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How Do You Put Up With Your Inlaws?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Jas8085, Jun 12, 2015.

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Jun 13, 2015 #21

Jas8085 Gold IL'ite

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GoneGirl said: ↑

On the positive side, having seen otherwise, I think a hubby acting blind and dumb in IL's tiffs is better than one who openly supports and sides with the in laws against the wife.
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My dh is blind to everything mil does. She fills his ears with nonsense and he used to fight with me! even sil could start fights between us!! He used to totally support them and gang up against me.

We almost separated when I gathered courage after a few years. I think he realized what a loser he is being. He says hez now changed, learnt his lessons etc. but by then I had already cut ties with inlaws. So no way to test. After all that this is the first time I'm even seeing their face

Jas8085, Jun 13, 2015

Jas8085, Jun 13, 2015

#21
Jun 13, 2015 #22

Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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Jas8085 said: ↑

Yellowmango, I plan to act like a flatmate with my husband. It's like me and my son share an apartment with another professional whose parents are visiting.

Are you serious??? This attitude "my way or highway" is really gonna damage your relationship..why resort to such extreme?..how do you expect any love or respect from your husband after this...

Do you see what I am seeing...you are wasting both your's and your husband life over something that can be easily managed as inlaws...
Click to expand...

Jazmine83, Jun 13, 2015

Jazmine83, Jun 13, 2015

#22
Jun 13, 2015 #23

Jas8085 Gold IL'ite

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Jazmine83 said: ↑

Jazmine, what??? you dont like people having control over who their children interact with?? If you already regret what you said, you shouldnt say it.

I think you are over analyzing situation. "Think too much, you create a problem that is not there" goes the saying. I get this from all your previous posts...calling your brother useless or calling your husband a moron or calling mil as full of **** or calling your future sil as a potential exploiter of your parents. You are thinking tooooo much! Have you ever wondered why everyone including your own parents are having an issue with your behavior? Do you honestly think that in the few months in-laws are with you they will manipulate your kid? You don’t have any trust on your parenting skill?

You need to understand a few things...again it is very easy to throw your hands and give up...but they are your husbands parents..in their old age.

1. Never ever expect your in-laws to treat you fair. Now, if they treat you with disrespect, hold your ground firmly. You husband is not brainless for someone to poison his mind. Blame your husband in this not your in-laws.

2. We forgive everyone except in-laws.
- We can have a ****ty husband or a cheating husband but we don't leave them because we are worried about the society. We forgive them and live with them and even have kids with them
- Tomorrow our kids will make some stupid mistakes. They will be disrespectful towards us, We will forgive them too.
- We can have a horrible boss or have an even more horrible job. But we don’t leave the job. We forgive that too
But when it comes to in-laws we become over sensitive!!!
- Why do babies cry? Who taught them that? They get what they need by crying…a negative attention seeking trait that is in-built in us. MILS are like grown up babies…they cry and kick and wine until they get the attention …it is an attention seeking technique

3. We need to understand our MILS. They belong to a horrible decade full of oppression. They do not enjoy the freedom we enjoy now, so they use the only skills they have to feel powerful and they are scared to lose that power.
Think about this…
- They did not have the freedom to study or work or even go where they want. They spent their whole life dependent on a man be it a father, husband or a son. We all know about female infanticide and how our sex ratio in india is so messed up. Dowry system was at its peak when our mothers got married. All these issues are integrated. I actually pity them. This “enlightenment” came to me a few months back, when I was fighting tooth and nail with my mom over my dad’s adamancy over the acceptance for my wedding. I ended up using the only weapon I had (which I deeply regret now) is to tell my mom I won’t talk to them, I won’t come to their house. At that moment her voice choked and she said you have a job, you are independent you can makes choices like this but I don’t have anything else other than my marriage and my children to go to and I cannot choose one over the other. This shook me. I have a job, my own apartment where I am living alone, I am a dancer and have at least 6 performances in a year, I am 31 and I can go clubbing with my friends wearing a mini skirt, I can drive, I was able to come out of a bad marriage very easily….In short I have a self-identity, most of us in this forum do….all these things were not possible for our mothers and MIL’s. In fact we are enjoying all this, because our mothers/MILS made a ton of sacrifices for us. Yes. They can be manipulative and mean. They feel their power going away..so they resort to unacceptable behavior like this. But it is hard to change them. Just try and ignore them.
- My future MIL is already doing it. Showing the power. Since I understand this game, I am playing it by her rules but not to the point where I have to lose my respect. I can tell you I have one happy fiancée who keeps complimenting me on how I am handling this issue. I am just happy that he is recognizing this. No one would like to hear their family members being put down...especially parents. I have not done this once to my fiancée…even during the 2 years of convincing his parents and she said horrible horrible stuff about me. I did get hurt, I did get angry but I did not show my anger on my fiancée. Poor guy…how can he be responsible for his mom’s actions.

In this day and age, where kids are growing up with little to no family ties, keeping grandparents away seems unacceptable to me. My gma was horrible to my mom, but my mom did not keep me away from her. She was a great gma to me…I am filled with amazing memories. Don’t steal them from your kid. You are already saying that this is going to end up in a divorce. You have the power to change things. Do it!
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Let's keep my brother, his wife out of this. If my brother is a loser, his new wife has princess syndrome and my husband has no spine - none of it is my fault. If everything was perfect, why would I be here?

to answer some of your questions,

1. My mil is educated, had a job for 35 yrs and is now retired

2. She didn't have to live with her inlaws or look after them

3. Fil is very open minded. She never had to face issues with him. Everything was done as per her wish. Mil had issues with fil's sister and they cut all contact with them.
4. Mil cut contacts with her own parents and brothers (god knows why)

5. Forgiveness comes when people regret what they did and sincerely apologise. No regret, no apology, no intentions of changing - only fools forgive. I will only get more ****

6. I have 100% faith that my mil will brainwash my DS against me. It has nothing to do with parenting skills. If there was a psycho in your relatives, would you trust your parenting skills and let ur child interact with her? No! My child has plenty of cousins and my parents, and grand aunts and uncles (both sides) who will fill the gap.

7. I care a **** about what my mil went through in life, who was nice yo her, who wasn't, why she hates me. I really don't care. It doesn't matter what our circumstances are, there is never an acceptable reason to mess someone's happiness or break someone's home. It's always wrong. Nothing justifies it

8. Babies cry - they are innocent. I've never come across a baby who harasses a pregnant woman. I've never come across a baby who doesn't let a new mom sleep or eat. If my mil is a baby, what am I then? Born witch? I'm a baby too! And people who starve babies, insult them, hurt them, make them cry - what do you call such people?

9. No one likes being put down. Neither do i. I didn't start it. I was nice and civil to them. They started all the crap. Why does it become so wrong if I shut them out? My husband MUST react when I'm being put down. Oh it only hurts when I say his parents are bad - how convenient. It doesn't matter what they do or say to me! Marriage or some slave trade?

10. Inlaws and old age? They should have thought about it when they were being mean to me? They should have thought about it when they tried to get us separated? They should have thought about it when they harassed me in pregnancy and post partum period? When they belittled, taunted and insulted? They made their choices then. Again, they chose it, it's not my fault !

11. I have the power to change things. But I will never do anything that will cost me my self respect.
Finally, you perhaps think you are handling it better than me. You probably are, but don't see my circumstances through your glasses.

Jas8085, Jun 13, 2015

Jas8085, Jun 13, 2015

#23

Newbee1, kettie, September2015 and 16 others like this.
Jun 13, 2015 #24

Jas8085 Gold IL'ite

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Jazmine83 said: ↑

Jas8085 said: ↑

Yellowmango, I plan to act like a flatmate with my husband. It's like me and my son share an apartment with another professional whose parents are visiting.

Are you serious??? This attitude "my way or highway" is really gonna damage your relationship..why resort to such extreme?..how do you expect any love or respect from your husband after this...

Do you see what I am seeing...you are wasting both your's and your husband life over something that can be easily managed as inlaws...
Click to expand...

Yes hun. It's my way or highway. No compromising on taking crap from mil. I won't take it.

Easily managed? Inlaws? How?

My husband is ruining our marriage by bringing them here. He is under pressure because his relatives are asking him (and inlaws) why they never visited us. His sister is constantly telling him to do it.

If I have to take crap from someone, take taunts, insults, forget my choices, say yes to everything they say - just to save my marriage - is such marriage worth saving at all?
Click to expand...

Jas8085, Jun 13, 2015

Jas8085, Jun 13, 2015

#24

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Jun 13, 2015 #25

Jas8085 Gold IL'ite

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Dear Jazmine,
You are just newly engaged, rose tinted glasses on, etc. when you get married, I really hope your mil is really really nice to you. I rest my case, I can no longer reply to you. You don't understand my situation. Mils are babies? You are in a different world. No point. THank u for taking time to reply on my thread.

Jas8085, Jun 13, 2015

Jas8085, Jun 13, 2015

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Adamsribs, September2015, nakshatra1 and 7 others like this.
Jun 13, 2015 #26

Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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I see a lot more going on here!

If you are this unhappy...is this marriage worth it to you? It seems like your husband is not offering you any protection or support...sorry your are stuck in a situation like this

Jazmine83, Jun 13, 2015

Jazmine83, Jun 13, 2015

#26
Jun 13, 2015 #27

Jazmine83 Gold IL'ite

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I did not say MILS's are babies...I said it is an inborn trait that we are born with...negative attention seeking trait...

You do not have to reply...wish you good luck with everthing

Jazmine83, Jun 13, 2015

Jazmine83, Jun 13, 2015

#27
Jun 13, 2015 #28

1Sandhya Platinum IL'ite

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Op,

It is clear you are extremely hurt by all the events that have already taken place in your marriage. Over time your patience, and flexibility have given out, you started questioning their actions and later even fighting back as you knew how. From your post, I feel that you are now in super alert, full fledged battle mode, ready to charge in the minute your ILs cross your threshold in this visit.

1. Please please calm down. Your posts reveal a great deal of angst, anger and anxiety. all this anger and agitation in the weeks preceding their arrival is not doing you any favors. Just be normal and enjoy these last few days. You cannot stop them from coming. you tried but were unsuccessful. It is inevitable that they will visit you in a few weeks. So now turn your attention to 'how to mitigate' and how to survive their visit with minimum casualties with a calm mind.

2. Stop continuously replaying those past incidents when they hurt you. Those incidents will not repeat. They are in the past. First of all at that time when those incidents happened you were naive, or trusting or ready to give benefit of doubt or simply didnt know to what extent they can go. That is why they were able to hurt you. Now that is not the case any more. You are no longer naive, you dont trust them at all and you will not give them the benefit of doubt anymore. So you will deal with each situation as it arises then and there. Just repeat this to yourself each and every time you start feeling upset and agitated. Forgive yourself for those past incidents when you allowed them to hurt you and trust in your ability to handle each situation as it arises in the future.

3. It may help you to visualize how you plan to spend your day during their visit and decide clearly on a few things. How much and what all you are going to do for them, under what conditions, and where exactly you are going to draw the line. Use this time to decide those specifics. If there are some key areas of contention which you know are always an issue and have always been now then you decide what is going to be your response now itself. For such situation anticipate and make ready your response -- you will x, y or z -- each option designed to withdraw you from the situation with minimum argument or discord and maximum dignity.

4.After you clarify your own thoughts about these, you should have a frank talk with your h about them. Let him know that since he has decided to invite them over your objections you draw the line at a, b or c action, you will only tolerate p, q and r, and that your course of action will be x,y and z should situation m,n or o arise. Warn him clearly that you will do this and that he has to manage his parents and the fallout.

1Sandhya, Jun 13, 2015

1Sandhya, Jun 13, 2015

#28

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Jun 14, 2015 #29

meVaidehi Platinum IL'ite

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Its really good that you are in such control wrt this relationship. If you dont mind just get a tiny little more control over the emotions. Its consuming you with the anger, fear, stipulations.
Having said that, its really impressive you thinking of this trip from every possible angle.
I've noticed from experience, when we come to think of worst possible outcome and are prepared for it, we are in very secure and steady mindset. Can handle anything.
So good luck i'm sure you'll handle it well.
I would also suggest, if they stop with the non sense, try to be ok with them. It would be a pleasant surprise for DH. Earn you some good points
Good luck

meVaidehi, Jun 14, 2015

meVaidehi, Jun 14, 2015

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Jun 14, 2015 #30

friendlyaqua Bronze IL'ite

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We really cannot comment as you might have really gone through a hell but be careful you dont instill any wrong notion in your son's head. He is very small and they observe a lot. You seem to be a lot frustrated, I can hear you screaming only by reading your posts. Am only worried about your kid who must be listening to your and your husband's arguments, we never know whom he might chose to be right.

Handle things patiently so that once he grows up, you shouldnt be there for a surprise and then you will feel that all that you did to protect your kid has gone in a wrong direction.

friendlyaqua, Jun 14, 2015

friendlyaqua, Jun 14, 2015

#30

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