I have started hating vacations!!

sweetestshweta · Jun 4, 2015

Hi ladies..
Its the vacation time again..My MIL,SIL and kids are here right now and I am juggling between my office,home,kids and these guests with no help from them.Thankfully I have good household help for chores and a nanny for baby too.So it's going fine.
All my guests (except MIL and SIL who never praise me or my efforts) always appreciate that I am a very good hostess who takes very good care of everyone visiting us..
The current issue-
My BIL who is staying abroad is also coming with his wife and kid here.They'll stay here for a few days and then the plan is-everyone of us-BIL with his wife and son,SIL with her both kids,MIL and we(my DH,me and our DD) will go to their ancestral place to spend sometime there.The family,as a whole,hasn't been there since my DD was born.We will keep a function there for the family and friends..
Generally my MIL and SIL are at my place so much throughout the year that we hardly(once a year) go to DH's home or call it MIL's/SIls place since SIL is staying there..
There are some issues which I face there and haven't exactly been able to tackle them..I am seeking your advice in doing something about them because mostly all the DILs face them I guess..
1.We don't get a separate room there.Earlier it was fine.I thought its just a matter of few days every year and adjusted.The family especially MIL and SIL have a habit to sleep with both brothers in the same room.Kids also keep lying there..They talk till late night and sleep there only..Leaving co sis and me to sleep in different room which doesn't have an AC too..

2.Ours is an intercaste,inter region love marriage..Due to language issues etc,I feel left out..They all keep chatting not thinking that I am getting bored..My MIL dumps tasks like folding clothes,cutting veggies,make dough etc whenever she sees me free..

3.The biggest issue is-cooking..
I am not very fond of cooking.I have always been an independent lady and have never cooked at my parents' place too.At me home,I keep a cook and although I sometimes cook for DH(that is also to break monopoly of MIL),I detest it..
But,when I am there,my MIL either directly tells me to chop,cut,cook rotis,cleaning etc taking the credit by coming and just supervising it or she goes and starts making loud noises in the kitchen making it clear to everyone that she is cooking..I,thinking that it will look bad if she cooks,join her..
My SIL,although she stays there permanently,doesn't even lift a spoon when we are there.In a way,its MIL's and her duty to feed the guests and entertain them but she and MIL just keep sitting with brothers all the time.No one gives tea in morning and then till 12-1 PM,no one even bothers to ask about bfast or lunch..My DH will ask me for food then..And again I land up in kitchen and when I cook for him,its given that I'll cook for everyone..
Same is the case in evening.Till 7 pm,no one is bothered about dinner..
So,half of the times,either we eat out or we order food from outside(for the whole bunch..Its quite expensive and either DH or BIL pay..

Now,you might be wondering-where is my co-sis in the whole scene!!
She is one smart lady and she can't cook to save her life.She has an impression of very lazy person..Her kid is hooked to chocolates,juices and all junk..So the issue of kid's food generally she doesn't care..
She too joins everyone in the chatting session and even when she sees MIL working-she doesn't get up..Or when I am cooking,she goes for a good one hour bath.Or she'll go out talking over the phone for a coupe of hours..She also proposes to eat out generally or order from outside.I don't like outside food everyday and my DD is very small.I don't make her also eat junk or from outside much..

4.MIL and SIL keep a lot of pending works-banks,bills,shopping,insurance etc..For these works,they generally go out once a day-BIL,DH,MIL,co sis and SIL..I used to be with kids at home..More people won't come in one car.Co sis is always with BIL like shadow and so is MIL with both sons..
I feel so left out all the time..And it's like the whole household responsibility comes on me..

5.For clothes,I give extra money to SIL's maid and she washes them..

You all might feel that these are very trivial issues.But I face them everytime i go there.We hardly go to my parents' place because of work commitments.And our own place is always bombarded with MIL/SIL and her kids..I have a small kid and I don't get unlimited leave too.
I feel whoever is the host should actually take care of everyone's needs but far from that,my visit there becomes so hectic that I always come back exhausted..
I feel like I don't get any vacation at all.
Smart that MIL and SIL are-MIL generally keeps telling to SIL to sit with everyone saying,"arey beta tum sabke saath baitho aur baatein karo.Hamesha to tum hi kaam karti ho"..MIL takes up the responsibility of house to show and hence,DILs should help..
SIL runs the house according to her own wishes.MIL is most of the time with us and visits there 2-3 months a year..So ,according to me,SIL should stop behaving likje a guest in her own house..Anyways,the house has been transferred on her name by both brothers when MIL said.
I tried telling my Dh but he said-I thought you happily help mummy.Don't help if you don't want to but then she will have to work for everyone which is not fair..
How to make him understand that either SIL and co sis should also pitch in.Co sis says-in any case she does all house work in foreign,why should she work here also?
SIL just plays like a sweet sister who has been missing her brothers so much and behaves like a pampered doll.
What the heck!!I take such good care of them all at my place.They work only if they want to.I always ensure that there are servants to take care of their needs and works..They get full vacation here..
With a toddler,it'll be all the more difficult to manage..Moreover,it's becoming a sort of trend and I want to break it..I don't want to work when they are at our home and also when we go to their place..
Just wanted to vent and seek your advice..Please give some practical solutions.talking face to face on these issues will never happen..
Thanks

SGBV · Jun 4, 2015

Dear Shwetha,

Yet another expected "issue" from your end. Always remember one thing "This too shall pass".

Having said that, a few tricks that would generally help to deal with such situations.

When MIL is at kitchen, it doesn't mean you should go there to cook. So, wait until she comes and invite you with a task. Till then engage with other works. You have a small kid, so needless to say you have works anyway.
Just copy your co-sis. She is not lazy, but smart.
Do not fight for a good DIL tag. It is useless.

See what your BIL do with his meals when he is at there. And copy the same for your husband too.
You say, until your husband asks for food, no one else is bothered about the meal plans. Now what makes you to rush to the kitchen? You are not the host. As you rightly said, it is the hosts' responsibility to feed the guests. Either by cooking or ordering food. Wait till they find a solution. It is not your problem.
Also your husband is not a kid.. A late B'fast or lunch at his own mother's home won't make him sick.
The next time when he asks for food, you also join him with the same question. But don't take responsibility of feeding him.
Again copy your co-sis. She is not lazy, but she has trained her husband to treat her as a wife, not as a cooking machine.

Your only concern at that place should be your child. Like your co-sis, don't feed her junk. Please ensure you make some thing in advance, so that you can readily feed her.
Engage with her stuff like making a special dish for the kid while others order outside food. Take time to feed her, put her to sleep, and also to play with her. With a young kid, you have lot of excuses.

Again, when it comes to chatting as one team, I see no issues with the whole family to chat till late night whenever they gather. You try to learn their language. I am sure you must have picked up some words. Or use a common language for all, or English to convey what you want to speak. But participate in their chat as much as you can to be considered part of their vacation.

Above all, do not expect anything from anyone. Just because they are the hosts, doesn't mean they are great enough to make your stay peaceful. Not all the people are great hosts.
At the same time, don't just to compensate their poor hosting by doing extra works. And don't ever think they will respect or love you for this.

Better plan a self dependency state whenever you go to your enemy's territory and enjoy what comes as extra. If nothing comes also, there is no issues. Cheer up girl.

sweety127 · Jun 4, 2015

Exactly my thoughts about cosis..She is damn smart and I think being lazy is the new cool @SGBV has beautifully put it..

Shwetha if hubby is hungry he should ask his mom na? why is he asking you..Next time if he asks tell him that you too feel soo hungry and blink..Let him find a solution..If he tells you to cook ASK HIM FOR HELP either let him depute somebody or pitch in himself..Join all their chit chat sessions..dont stay aloof..Also dont show off that you are well versed in house hold tasks...You also work if you want too..

armummy · Jun 4, 2015

There are couple of options for you food wise ,
go with the flow and not do anything and order food from outside . Baby meals is work but it is less in comparison .

as you don't want to eat outside food , try and see if you can find a short term cook . This will save lot of headache

or if you are willing , take your cook along .

CrayoNess · Jun 4, 2015

sweety127 said: ↑

Exactly my thoughts about cosis..She is damn smart and I think being lazy is the new cool @SGBV has beautifully put it..

Shwetha if hubby is hungry he should ask his mom na? why is he asking you..Next time if he asks tell him that you too feel soo hungry and blink..Let him find a solution..If he tells you to cook ASK HIM FOR HELP either let him depute somebody or pitch in himself..Join all their chit chat sessions..dont stay aloof..Also dont show off that you are well versed in house hold tasks...You also work if you want too..
Click to expand...

If you are hungry you go yourself to the kitchen and prepare your meal - except if you are a child. The husband is not a child ...

I would not accept this kind of poor organization of the food preparations. If there is a big group of people everyone should participate.

My friend had an interesting system. They were four siblings +families at their summer place. Each family took care of one day meals (bf, lunch, dinner). Every forth day you had food duty and then three days free.

MalStrom · Jun 4, 2015

My parents live on their own, but occassionally their house becomes very busy with relatives if there is a family function. This in part because my parents are hospitable people, and their house is also centrally situated. They enjoy having guests every now and then, but food arrangements can be tedious.
This is what my mom does when there a lot of guests in the family. She gets a temporary cook for the duration, and has her make whatever will be needed for the day including tea/coffee in thermoses. There are even cooks who will come on a day-to-day basis. Then all my mom has to do is serve, and snacks are also usually brought from outside.
They will go out to eat sometimes, but this works better than having to eat out all the time.
Is this an option for you? You should not have to slog in the kitchen on a holiday just because your MIL wants to play martyr.

tulip2012 · Jun 5, 2015

@SGBV Golden words to be framed and kept by everyDIL

"Do not fight for a good DIL tag. It is useless. "

SGBV said: ↑

Dear Shwetha,

Yet another expected "issue" from your end. Always remember one thing "This too shall pass".

Having said that, a few tricks that would generally help to deal with such situations.

When MIL is at kitchen, it doesn't mean you should go there to cook. So, wait until she comes and invite you with a task. Till then engage with other works. You have a small kid, so needless to say you have works anyway.
Just copy your co-sis. She is not lazy, but smart.
Do not fight for a good DIL tag. It is useless.

See what your BIL do with his meals when he is at there. And copy the same for your husband too.
You say, until your husband asks for food, no one else is bothered about the meal plans. Now what makes you to rush to the kitchen? You are not the host. As you rightly said, it is the hosts' responsibility to feed the guests. Either by cooking or ordering food. Wait till they find a solution. It is not your problem.
Also your husband is not a kid.. A late B'fast or lunch at his own mother's home won't make him sick.
The next time when he asks for food, you also join him with the same question. But don't take responsibility of feeding him.
Again copy your co-sis. She is not lazy, but she has trained her husband to treat her as a wife, not as a cooking machine.

Your only concern at that place should be your child. Like your co-sis, don't feed her junk. Please ensure you make some thing in advance, so that you can readily feed her.
Engage with her stuff like making a special dish for the kid while others order outside food. Take time to feed her, put her to sleep, and also to play with her. With a young kid, you have lot of excuses.

Again, when it comes to chatting as one team, I see no issues with the whole family to chat till late night whenever they gather. You try to learn their language. I am sure you must have picked up some words. Or use a common language for all, or English to convey what you want to speak. But participate in their chat as much as you can to be considered part of their vacation.

Above all, do not expect anything from anyone. Just because they are the hosts, doesn't mean they are great enough to make your stay peaceful. Not all the people are great hosts.
At the same time, don't just to compensate their poor hosting by doing extra works. And don't ever think they will respect or love you for this.

Better plan a self dependency state whenever you go to your enemy's territory and enjoy what comes as extra. If nothing comes also, there is no issues. Cheer up girl.
Click to expand...

sweetestshweta · Jun 5, 2015

Thanks SGBV..You know me pretty well..My virtual friends are cool..

Do not fight for a good DIL tag. It is useless.
Click to expand...

This is the golden principle..I am gradually learning that..

Just copy your co-sis. She is not lazy, but smart.
Click to expand...

Yes..I am going to do the same.Since I was the youngest entrant in the household,I thought it was my duty/my DH would feel nice/MIL is slogging alone/etc etc.. Whatever..
They are misusing this and I am now being expected to work there exactly as I do at my place when all of them are my guests.What the hell!! I am the youngest there and madams have no shame in just keep lying around while the guests are working..

Better plan a self dependency state whenever you go to your enemy's territory and enjoy what comes as extra.
Click to expand...

You are absolutely right..I'll carry stuff for my DD..She is fond of dairy products-milk,yogurt,shakes and also porridge,curd rice etc..Will cook only for her..
High time to break this forced burden on me..
Its so sickening that all the time MIL and SIL will keep inviting to their place and keep saying how they miss everyone and when actually we all go there,we are not even fed properly..Its like SIL is a queen and I,the DIL has the responsibility to run her house..
Why the hell did I let this happen all these years?
Now,all the instances where I was cooking and slogging in kitchen and maharanis sitting and chatting and laughing are coming before my eyes and I am feeling all the more furious..
Actually,when I got married,my mom said I should behave like a good DIL and never let my DH down and all..
Never mind..Its never late to stop bad practicesideasmiley

sweetestshweta · Jun 5, 2015

MalStrom said: ↑

This is what my mom does when there a lot of guests in the family. She gets a temporary cook for the duration, and has her make whatever will be needed for the day including tea/coffee in thermoses. There are even cooks who will come on a day-to-day basis. Then all my mom has to do is serve, and snacks are also usually brought from outside.
They will go out to eat sometimes, but this works better than having to eat out all the time.
Is this an option for you? You should not have to slog in the kitchen on a holiday just because your MIL wants to play martyr.
Click to expand...

Thanks MalStrom.. This is a good arrangement.I will try to adopt it at my home when guests are visiting too often..But I am not sure if I should do all this at my SIL's place.See,its my DH's parental home but for all practical purposes,its my MIL's and even more than that SIL's place..Legally it's on her name..So,when it's her place,why should I end up playing the hostess?
Its been four-five years that I have been doing it.But it's becoming a habit now.I spend my precious leave there working in her house whereas when she visits my home,she doesn't even lift a spoon!!
I want to chill out and that is what I intend to do from now on..No food-means I can tell DH that if they can't even give us food,why should we visit them?Ordering from outside-we or BIL have to pay the bills and that too for everyone..Very heavy on pocket..
I will use this opportunity to break my MIL's praises for SIL that she is so fond of us and she is a very good cook and what not!!

sweetestshweta · Jun 5, 2015

Thanks CN..

I would not accept this kind of poor organization of the food preparations. If there is a big group of people everyone should participate.

My friend had an interesting system. They were four siblings +families at their summer place. Each family took care of one day meals (bf, lunch, dinner). Every forth day you had food duty and then three days free.
Click to expand...

This is a good mechanism and I'll suggest this..But I know it won't be followed..And never at my place atleast..According to MIL and SIL,a brother's place is supposed to be a resting place for sister..My SIL herself says so many times that she wants to relax totally because she gets so tired because of her kids all the time..
She hasn't visited her in laws from last 9-10 years and all she does whole day is rest,rest and rest:bang