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Update and need some advice

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sunshine1970, Mar 25, 2015.

  1. Mar 25, 2015 #1
    sunshine1970

    sunshine1970 Gold IL'ite

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    All of you kind IL members may not remember but my husband daughter and I were kicked out of IL house this past year cause MIL told my DH they could not stand me. It was a very difficult time and DH has cut off a lot of relations with them and chats very minimum as we quickly had to move and went through some financial tough times and had to find a 2bhk to rent/buy in the city close to my job. MIL now and since the incident happens pretends like nothing ever happened and phones and tries to chat with me like nothing ever happened and she did nothing wrong. She is showing herself to relatives as martyr that I told my son to leave by putting rock on my chest cause his wife did not want to live here and did it for her happiness and his daughter happiness. We know this is completely un true. Fast forward, I am being polite on phone and in most case never do answer, do I forgive her and move on? I am asking the same question, is it my ego now that is stubborn or my self respect. I believe it's my self respect because she treated us and daughter so badly when we lived there, was very mean to me and husband, which showed husband her true colours. ??? I have not been back to their house in months and she keeps inviting me but a big part of me says if I go and visit etc then am i letting her off hook. I have a busy schedule at work as I am humanitarian lawywer and travel a lot and use that as excuse, but DH encourages me not to forget and not to go over or spend time? Can you let me know is it ego or self preservation?
     
    sunshine1970, Mar 25, 2015
    sunshine1970, Mar 25, 2015
    #1
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  2. Mar 25, 2015 #2
    Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Neither. It is not ego or self preservation. You are just trying to still hold her accountable in some way, and one way is to not visit her. Nothing wrong with it. You are human, and the past will rankle for a while and when she pretends all is fine, it will irritate.

    I suggest you visit once in a while, spend few hours, not overnight. If that is not possible, then, don't go. Or go, but stay in a hotel for the night.
     
    Rihana, Mar 25, 2015
    Rihana, Mar 25, 2015
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  3. Mar 25, 2015 #3
    laksub

    laksub Bronze IL'ite

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    Imho, you have to move on...no point carrying past bitterness. In time, these things will stop mattering.

    I have gone through the same, when we moved out, my FIL would throw the unpaid electricity bills, milk and other bills through our new house window for the time we had lived in their house. They knew we were under tremendous financial pressure, but they did behave cheaply and put the blame on me that I wanted out. I had fallen sick in their house due to the stressful environment. They needed someone to lash out on and I was a willing victim at the time. It was difficult to behave normally after that, but with time, I let the bitterness go, and became polite and courteous naturally and now there is no trace of any bitterness at all. We keep our distance but also know that we are there for each other.

    You dont have to turn your face when you talk, be polite, courteous... give them respect as you would to a elderly person and do not go overboard trying to mend the relationship. You dont visit them alone....go with your husband. Relationship will mend on its own in time.
     
    laksub, Mar 25, 2015
    laksub, Mar 25, 2015
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