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Have to try for a baby but worried how I'll manage with in-laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by generic, Mar 10, 2015.

  1. generic

    generic Gold IL'ite

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    From past few months, my in-laws are bringing up topic of having kids etc. I have been married for quite a while so I am also considering. I'm alright with having a baby but worried about other stuff, like how I'll manage..

    Thing is I'm not very healthy..every now and then I tend to fall sick. I find it difficult to do housework for long time. Staying with in-laws who are traditional in nature, everyday I have to get up by 5.30 am, do cooking, atleast 4-5 dishes have to be cooked. Also have to do pooja, dry clothes, etc and then go for work. At work situation is bad, work timings is 10 hrs and late calls. No working from home, few days its compulsory to work late evening shifts like 12.30-9.30 etc. Even if I reach home late I am forced to get up early next day and attend to tasks.
    We have maid for cleaning, but the maid is overloaded with work as they are putting excessive vessels for wash and excessive clothes for wash. Also they have habit of inviting guests to home often so the workload also increases. The maid takes leave every once in a week or once in 2 weeks due to overload. My MIL tries to help and then she gets irritated with all the work and complains. I want to employ cook but they are not allowing, saying some silly reasons, like tradition , waste of money etc. Past 2 months , 2-3 times I got some symptoms as if I was pregnant and then found I was not pregnant. I feel so tired everyday I seriously do not know how I'll manage to conceive, if I becm pregnant how I will manage looking after a kid and home. My MIL keeps telling that ladies should do lot of work and in olden days ladies did so much work..and that I should get used to doing more work. Also she says, ladies should not go for work after having a baby. Also she said, ladies should look after the kids on their own and not burden elders with this responsibility. hearing all this I'm doubtful about getting support from inlaws.

    Due to these reasons I am feeling reluctant to have baby. Too tired to think. Has anyone else faced this issue? How do you manage having baby and ,managing work+family after becoming pregnant and having a baby.
     
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  2. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear generic,
    planning a baby and your family should be between the two of you- husband and wife.
    Since you are staying with inlaws, get your husband to understand how much and what extent you can do housework. There is no need to stress yourself beyond a limit. At the same time, if u cannot expect support from your MIL, make it clear to her that you will have to make arrangements - of extra help by employing maid etc for seeing to child, other work at home. But postponing having a child for these reasons, knowing this is your set up is not proper. Approach it with a positive mind, and things will fall in place. All best wishes.
     
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  3. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    Try first to look into getting some balance to your life. It is not fair that you work full time and then taking care of so much household chores. And it will impact your health. Have you discussed with your DH about how to divide the work more fairly? Why so much cooking, food is not so important, you can eat healthy with much less time spent in the kitchen. Anything you can do regarding your work situation? Switch employer with more human working hours?

    Pregnancy is not a biggie (except if you have health issues). You can work normally (only restrict some very heavy tasks) and it is important to get enough of rest. A baby is not so much work but especially the fact that you cannot sleep full nights because of the feeding is exhausting. Discuss with your DH about this, how much is he willing to share the responsibilities regarding the care of the baby.
     
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  4. dsmenon

    dsmenon Gold IL'ite

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    WOW... you are trying to be a super woman OP. I mean seriously work for 10 hrs a day, cook, clean and do pooja without no/minimal help? Why do you agree to go through this ordeal??

    First, cut down your current responsibilities. Hire a cook, a maid. A person who is working FT cannot do all these things everyday. This is what is affecting your health. If you In-laws have issues let them take the responsibilty or have your DH talk to them. BTW, what is his take on all this? Does he not ask you to slow down?

    Once you get hired help then plan for a baby. Again if your in laws doesnt help you to take care of the baby when you are at work hire a nanny.
     
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  5. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, the only person who should decide how capable you are with work is you. Of course, in laws think they have their right on you and I dont even want to go there.

    Now, more often than not, the worries which we have are because of our own thinking and not because of the actual problem. You have the luxury of the maid there. here, I dont. I have no choice but to cook and then clean too. Now, what helps is that I dont have to cook 5 different items every day. Something has to give.
    Ultimately, you will be fine. New routine will set it. New mindset will set in. You will be fine.

    Mind you, working 10 hours a day, all this cooking everyday is what is causing your health problems. Visit a doctor. get a complete blood and body check done. Go on prenatal vitamins. Start eating healthy. Change your lifestyle. You will be OK. Just need to start working on where to cut down on things that are not needed. If you cook 3 items a day, people will sulk for a week or so. Then once they understand this is how its going to be, then they will start keeping quite.
     
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  6. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Agree with dsmenon .Put your foot down on the cook issue.Tell your husband you need to be respected as a member of the family and need some decision making rights. Train the cook to cook the way you want.

    If you want to continue working after baby...be frank and let in laws know this.Tell them you will train and keep a nanny .If she says you should leave...tell her things have changed now and many women work and take care of kids.Tell her your husband will help out along with the nanny and they need not worry.Prepare husband accordingly.

    If she says women should do all work at home and in olden days blah blah blah...tell her women did not work outside home in olden days hence could continue to work a lot at home.Do take enough rest when you do conceive. You have a demanding job and you need to rest at home. As long as you are active and doing basic work and not putting on too much weight ...it is fine.Don't give in to the mil excuse of making dil's work their feet off during pregnancy. You need to be active but not over work.
     
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  7. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    I think you need to put your foot down both at work and at home. Your current workload sounds so exhausting. I wonder how you can manage this schedule.

    Reduce some time from work, if you can, and also from home workload. Can you take some leave, to relax a little, on health grounds? Good health is most important. Do get eight hours of uninterrupted sleep daily.

    As for baby, go for it only when you are sure that the time is right.
     
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  8. sangeeG

    sangeeG Silver IL'ite

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    First think about current issues

    1. Cut down.more cooking.just do 2 dishes
    2. At work try to reduce work. Noone ia gonna.appreciate and give good ratings.everytime.
    3. Dont worry about things about baby now. How to handle and all. First get pregnant and once u r pregnant you can cut down most of the work at home saying morning.sickness.or something.
    4. Focus on.health. reduce stress. Relax

    Focus.on getting pregnant and take prenatal.vitamins.

    Gud luck
     
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  9. preethiitech

    preethiitech Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Say ' NO".. it boils down to the fact whether you can say No or not.
     
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  10. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    If you are very career-oriented and like to work 10+ hours a day, then you need things to go as per your schedule at your home. Until then, there is no point in having the baby(assuming you are not too old to have kids).

    But set some goals based on the facts that..
    1.. you need to have kid one day. When is that going to be?(what age?)
    2.. In-laws will always be there. How do you want to manage this? Move out of joint family and closer to your parents?
    3.. Couple of years after having kids can't be productive at work. At which stage of your career do you want this to happen? After you become Manager at your company?
    4.. Nagging and complaining won't help. you need to set rules definitively as to how the house would function.
     
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