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My Husband has chronic disease.. what can i do?

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by sanjuruby3, Mar 7, 2015.

  1. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Platinum IL'ite

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    hi

    Me and my DH are both 36+ and an infant. We both work in IT and have hectic job schedule. My husbands job is even worse with offshore all the time.

    Our life had been on rough patches from the beginning. Things had recently got happier with baby. Few years back he was diagnosed with CKD - "Chronic kidney infection" which was irreparable but could have been delayed with medicines. Then we had baby, life got tougher.

    Now doc reports are asking for further tests. I am angry, sad and worried about us, about baby, about our life.

    Life has never been stable ever since I married him. His lies about family status, his over-over-conservative family were too much shock for me. I never got close to his family. Many more problems came to life, I always accompanied him.
    Left my jobs.. to be with him when cheated on me, when he moved to new city. It was always me juggling between work place and residence. Always me.... He started small office fling, made stupid decisions in life, I suffered, i compromised and stuck with him.

    He never tells any problems to his family. Because of this I got never close to them, never bonded with them. When he had discovered this major health issue, he should have. He is okay if my parents worry about him but not his parents.

    His family, his SILs, neighbors, relatives, all think we have money tree here. They tell me things - like life is easy for me, I am in US, I am working, I have car, I drive,I see places, I wear whatever I want, I do not have to live with ILs ...He acts like he is super rich.

    Now ...

    I am worried. His condition is beyond repair. I am worried about our future. I have no support from his family - morale/emotional support, financial or physical support.
    I am worried about my daughter, her future. I am worried being left alone again to fight and survive and raise her. I do not know any one in US. For same reasons, I had wanted to move back to India near to my parents. Atleast someone will be there for me. Sometimes I think to quit my job to have another children or take care of everyone's health but ....i have no one to support if something happens.


    He is good man. He is not aggressive or abusive but he is definitely immature & STUPID. He does not make many friends.

    When I ask him to eat less salt for his really high BP, he adds more. I ask him to sleep, not to watch tab, earphones etc, he shouts. He is extremely stubborn that I have now stopped telling him things.

    I came here for emotional support or venting out. Forgive me for long post but I am too disturbed.
     
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  2. jskls

    jskls IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi OP

    1. focus on your husband's health. try to gather all the information. Do follow doctors advise and prescriptions. As long as you are covered with health insurance don't worry about doctor visits/tests. You are in best place to get treated.

    In my experience with CKD, I was admitted once in hospital (in US) though in worse condn, but not life-threatening. Not sure about how severe your H's condition is.

    2. If you want H to reduce salt, in general you reduce a bit salt, slowly as it's tough to eat without salt all of a sudden.

    3. Don't think negative about worst happenings. Maybe medicines are good enough to take care. You are working and capable of providing support.

    4. Most in-laws think that their sons backyard is growing money on trees. just brush it aside. focus on your baby, his health. Your H could be upset too about his health. try to provide him moral support though you also need support which I can completely understand.

    5. Let bygones be bygones and don't combine everything into one. Be positive and believe in a higher self that will guide you and you can always vent here. Don't worry.

    I felt compelled in replying to you because I have been there and know how it feels as my DH had a life threatening medical condition and those days with a baby was a nightmare.

    Take care
     
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  3. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    You and your family are having a tough situation. You have a job and a good (?) salary and a healthy kid so you also have happiness in your life. Try to get some friends so that you are not so lonely. As both of you are grown ups the childhood families are kind of gone. Now you live your adult life. Save for your daughter, support your DH with his health issues but do not nag or demand, it his responsibility to take care of his health. Enjoy the life you have know, try to get to know people, get some hobby, be involved in the community so that you are not so lonely.
     
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  4. sanjuruby3

    sanjuruby3 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi girls

    Thanks a lot for your kind words. I am mentally disturbed which kind of led me to all the wrong doings happened, all the pains. I guess this is my nature. One bad thing happens, I take the reverse trip to history. I am trying to calm down and its a relief talking to someone even virtually.

    @jskls - Did you mean you have CKD? What treatment are you having? My H was on pills for high BP and for kidneys. Now after U/s, We will see.

    My ILs never even hear my stories. But they will definitely tell when someone has small cough or their other grandkids doing colored poops.

    About healthy diet or salt reduction, he is very stubbborn. I know we can not do it all of sudden. Even for all regular foods, he added salts. If its less, he will add and also eat super salty pickles. He does not give chance to reduce it bit by bit.

    Even If have health problems, but because of his eating habits, our refrigerator is always full of junk food.
     
  5. maya69

    maya69 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    AS far as I know the first steps to keeping CKD control is to keeping your BP and chol in check so that you are not putting too much stress on kidney. I have been given a similar diagnosis for ckd (mild) due elevated protein in urine though the reason why I have this is still unknown. they just keep checking creatnine in blood yearly and make sure its under certain level.. I have had that for last 20yrs anyways. I take bp/chol meds but didnt start that till I turned 40 when I think lots of people (who dont have ckd even) start anyway. its possible I could have kidney failure or maybe not too.

    I am guessing your DH's case is far more progressed? I can certainly understand your worry about his health and future life. please take it one day at a time, learn more about ckd. forget about whether inlaws are supportive or not. maybe there are websites for ckd support and questions that you can look for. Is he not concerned about being there as a father to your child? can you convince him that he needs to be healthy for child sake atleast?
     
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  6. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    I was somewhat taken aback to see that you posted this in the "Life Without Spouse" forum, rather than the "Married Life" forum. I can only hope that it was an inadvertent slip, reflecting your fears and anxious state of mind. Hence this reply.

    Let me try to address the "... what can i do?" part:

    When you are dealing with a recalcitrant adult, there is not a whole lot we can do. Your husband has to learn to help himself. In such situations the best option is to face the situation calmly and systematically, with the goal of knowing that you did everything you could - no matter what the outcome.

    First, educate yourself about the illness. This is very important, especially since your husband will not do it for himself - you need to do it for the both of you.

    I see that you are using the clinical terminology rather loosely: CKD refers to Chronic Kidney Disease. It is a general term. The underlying etiology of the disease may vary from case to case. It could be autoimmune, genetic, related to lifestyle choices or arise from improper use of medications. Are you sure that in your husband's case it is an 'infection'? You have to know your enemy to fight it effectively. Do find out from your physician.

    Next, do you know for certain that it is 'beyond repair'? There is no cure for CKD, but with medication and good lifestyle choices, progression can be delayed for years or even decades. Do get a clear picture of where you stand.

    Finally, you might benefit from consulting with the physician (confidentially?) and requesting his assistance to persuade your husband to come to terms with the seriousness of the situation. Progressive CKD, if left unattended, leads to renal failure, dialysis and a kidney transplant. This is no joke. Perhaps this is all too abstract for your husband. Ask his physician to sit him down and lay out for him the consequences - what kidney failure means, what dialysis is, how often it needs to be done, what a transplant means and all that.

    If you try to do it by yourself, your husband may not take you seriously. It may come across as nagging. Please request a meeting with his physician and express your concerns. A good lecture from the PCP, a visit to a dialysis center, a couple of meetings with a CKD support group - these may help to wake your husband up to the reality.

    Be strong! I hope everything works out for you!
    :cheers
     
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  7. VanithaSudhir

    VanithaSudhir Platinum IL'ite

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    Really !! He doesn't want to change anything inspite of his condition.. So irritating. If he falls ill, you are the one who has to take care of him. And it is no joke to undergo dialysis or kidney transplantation.. What is he thinking .?

    Does your husband know the seriousness of his condition ? Maybe he will know the seriousness of it, if his physician can explain in black and white..
    Will it help if you tell him through his parents ? Maybe he will listen to them and mend his ways..
     
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  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    OP,
    Just curious why this is 'Life without spouse' forum? This just jumped out at me.
    Your husband may be nervous about his illness, and frankly a lot of people are in denial even when they should know better. He may be dealing with a lot of emotions too. People often become hard to deal with when they are sick.
    Do not ask him to eat less salt, etc. Try to cook healthy, simple food and don't keep salty stuff at home. As a PP said, enlist your doctor's help as well. Stay of top of test reports and medications, and try to get a sense of the situation.
    As for the family stuff, try not to let it get under your skin. If you have a job, try to do what you can to save money. I don't know if your husand will qualify for life insurance but if you don't have a policy this is a good idea for both of you especially with a child.
     
  9. abla

    abla Gold IL'ite

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    It has to be a reply for some other Q : )
     
  10. jingi92

    jingi92 Gold IL'ite

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    i quite agree with all those who said get the doctor's help ... that is most often the only way for husbands who are stubborn ... but try not to nag abt it ... all the best to you and a big god bless ... :)
     

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