silent treatment

What exactly do you guys fight about? Can you list some incidences?

Have discussion with each other (alone) what problems you have without interrupting one another. If it is due to some misunderstandings this can be solved like this. Try to share daily activities with each other in the family (include your daughter) during dinner.

If it due to his personality (purposeful), I don't think he will change until he experiences such a situation that understands how much he needs you and how you will always be by his side.

 

Hugs to you. Crying does not help.

I suggest that you prepare a short speech and practice it in front of the mirror so that you can deliver it with the correct body language and facial expressions. You need to look neutral, firm and polite while you say it. Read up about communicating dissent and conflict resolution online.

Do not address problems of the past. Just say (with eye contact) that you want to say something to him, please can he just listen and think about it. Tell him that you want the two of you to solve problems better instead of childishly being passive aggressive; you think it is especially important for the two of you to do this now since your little girl is rapidly growing up and it is imperative that you both set a good example for her.

Then tell him that you would like him to think about it; perhaps read about better conflict resolution techniques you could both apply to effectively solve issues and bring harmony to the house. Tell him you are doing some research. Tell him that you really would like to make your marriage stronger and your home better for your family. Then leave him be while you are being normal. Remain strong.

next time you think something is going to flare up, without getting into a discussion or argument, neutrally say "I think we need to cool down and think about it." Move away and remain normal about other things. Use a different mode of communication - say email, so that you can think about what you want to say and use the right words to say it.

Good luck

 

Your daughter will feel like an entitled person (if not already) if you continue to let your husband do this. By doing that he will ruin her future. Talk to him about your child's future without arguments and instead of shouting at the child, try to boast her when she gets good marks, etc so she will be motivated to work hard (give specific timings for her to play). These days we only tell them to only study books. But we need to teach them some of our mythological stories (teach things like why ram left to exile to obey his father, how hanuman is loyal etc) to teach them hard work, ethics and make them good citizens.

 

Op...a nine year old wetting her bed is not normal.You should look into this.....if required...talk to a doctor.

No child wets the bed on purpose specially a child past the bed wetting stage....and if they do....they are already quite embarrassed about it.They need a hug and some time together to talk about whatever is leading to the bed wetting. Shouting at a child who is already frustrated and embarrassed about it is is awful.

Give her a hug and let her know you empathize with her and know it is not her fault.Ask her if something at school or home is bothering her.A lot of the times...these episodes of bed wetting are because of fear or anxiety over some issue.It could be something like having to speak in front of the class to as serious as bullying.Also check if it could be something physical like a urinary tract infection.


As for teaching....As a mother of two and an on and off teacher ...I can assure you shouting will never make the child interested in studies.

I totally sympathize with you on your husband not getting involved in the bringing up of the children.Many fathers tend to make the often tired and over worked mother look like the devil while they walk away with the titles of angels.probably some members can give you some tips on this.The first step would be to not shout in front of the father.

Some tips to help her get interested in studies.

You could give her small portions to study with a reward if she completes the given work. Reward could be anything.....time off to read a story book or watch a pro gramme.

You could also get her involved in deciding how she plans to do the home work.
She could start with the easier one where she does not need your help....while you try to finish work at this time.Do appreciate her work that she has done without help and give advise if needed.

When she has finished with the work she can do her self...then sit with her and help her with the work she needs help with.

Also make sure she is not hungry or don't ask her to do her work when her favorite cartoon is coming. Plan the homework so you include her recreation too. In fact slowly you could use it as the carrot to get her more involved.

e.g.....when my DDs were younger...they were allowed to watch one cartoon and play one video game...a combined total of one hour .Both had to decide on the same cartoon and they could choose the video game time separately.If they showed initiative and studied on their own...I would let them watch an extra hr over the weekend. This was a big hit with mine.You may have to find something that works for your daughter.

My daughters loved reading stories...so this was the last thing they did at night.Thirty minutes of story reading ...which got extended by 15 -20 minutes if they finished work in time.

You can open a thread in the parenting section and get some more tips....and then choose what seems workable with you and your daughter. Good luck op.and hugs for the struggles with your angel.(DD ...not DH:coffee)

 

has the bed wetting started recently or is it an ongoing issue?

i don't see her studies as the main issue, but the dynamics between your husband and you sets the tone for how your daughter behaves and responds towards you. it's called parental alienation. sarcasm, condescending attitude, belittling, gaslighting are all the myriad ways in which he controls you and sets the pattern for your daughter to follow.

your daughter observes the power imbalance, lack of unity in your relationship and has aligned herself with her father who sets the controls, so to speak. since he is used to stonewalling you, it would be more helpful to try counseling so a healthier pattern can be set. the bedwetting at her age is also indicative of some internal stress and anxiety over something in her environment. sit next to her and talk to her just before she goes to bed, about her day, about her friends. it might help you to figure out what is going on in her mind.