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About Nanny Cam to In-laws & DH ?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Reesha, Jan 20, 2015.

  1. indoc

    indoc Gold IL'ite

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    @OP...
    what do you mean by "my MIL is came from poor family & she run her family in poor way in past"... do you mean to say that all poor people poorly raise their children..

    Your problem is 'in-laws' and their behavior... sensitize them, tell them how to deal with maids ..

    As @Rakhii said, what you lack is trust.. not nanny cam
     
  2. hrastro

    hrastro Platinum IL'ite

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    Reesha's inlaws dont learn to use remote-control, and Reesha is trying to remote-control how her baby is looked after :)

    Reesha, you have certain control over the maid, inlaws, how baby is looked after - dont stress on the unimportant stuff, but also dont compromise on the really important part ! Learn to fight your battles wisely !

    They dont HAVE to use Rhymes to feed baby the food - as long as they manage to feed and your baby is not hungry, dont worry how they distracted/fed your baby ! Ensure that when you are at home, he is fed well with healthy food !

    Reg telling maid to do other jobs - tell her to do it ONLY when baby is asleep ! Her first and only priority is the baby ! And tell her that she CANNOT leave the baby alone anytime ! Tell her to politely tell inlaws that she will do any job when baby is asleep and NOT otherwise - tell her not to use your name to refuse work, but to tell that baby is my primary duty!

    When there is a person available and looking relatively free, the older generation tend to use them for other jobs, when there is work to be done - I remember when my aunt was to return home from a cancer surgery, I took the help of my baby's caretaker help to arrange and clean up aunt's home - while my mom looked after my baby that day !

    From your in-laws point of view, the caretaker is there to cover the baby in case they want to go for a walk or to their other son's place or somewhere else - so from their point of view
    1) They dont HAVE to be available for your baby when the caretaker is with your baby
    2) They dont HAVE to do other work when they can play with your baby while the caretaker does their other work

    So what I would suggest is
    1) Ensure proper communication and make sure that roles and responsibilities are clear

    2) Reduce your expectations and let your team (inlaws and caretaker) do your project (Raising kid) without micromanaging

    3) Establish SLA's (Service level agreements) - the baby should eat breakfast at this time and finish fruit by this time, the baby should sleep for at least 3 hours but not more than 4 hours. If baby is not eating, escalate to Reesha within 2 hours!

    4) Risk management and disaster recovery plan - If inlaws have to go out, what is the protocol? If baby gets hurt - what are the emergency numbers and plan ! If baby gets cold, what should be done ? If baby is not eating - what are the alternatives to try?

    Establish a complete written plan so that they are not left guessing at any step - if they do, you are not going to be happy as they have "poor baby raising skills" !!

    If you want to put up a nannycam, tell the people involved, inform your nanny and also tell your inlaws ONCE that whatever they speak will be heard by you, so dont discuss private stuff - make a joke out of it and leave it at that - in case you DO hear anything by chance, dont use that information and dont mention to your inlaws :)
     
    sindmani, butterflyice, DKI and 2 others like this.
  3. cinderella06

    cinderella06 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi op, I find the idea of keeping a nanny at home when someone (pil,parents) are at home looks quite different ( even pil's are not good). So for me a nanny cam sounds too much. Sorry if I hurt you in any way, as I'm unawar of your current situation. It's just my thought when I read your post.
    When a paid nanny a third person will oppose the idea of cam, how do you think your pil and Dh whould support this set up. Definitely they will oppose and feel wired. Even an adjusting pil's will find it discomfort when someone is watching their activities. Even if the cam is fixed in a known place to them.
     
  4. confusedwoman

    confusedwoman Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Op,

    Nanny cam is legal in the common areas of your OWN house( living area,kitchen,corridors,yours and baby bedroom), not in others personal areas (guest bedrooms if occupied by guests,restrooms other than yours). you can install it without anyones knowledge in your own home if you wish to do legally.

    Now the ethical point, its a grey area but just tell your husband and in laws we can never be too careful these days and you can watch your baby from your i phone and it makes you feel closer to her/him. No harm no foul. No need to explain further. If you do catch your in laws ignoring baby, don't bring it up.

    But if anyone nanny/in laws are not attending to baby's needs at all or harming baby then you can address it. No one can blame mom for taking precautions or being too careful.
     
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  5. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    yeh. nothing wrong in your thoughts. My PIL are dependant & want to stay 1 yr at elder sons & 1 yr at younger son. just they seems to like enjoy their life with their own works with out single responsibility. they are behaving like," we done lot for our sons. so our duty time is over. what ever works, it should manage by DIL & son only not by us. son & DIL should care our needs. but we dont have any other responsibilities now."

    i am not opposing their thoughts. but there are some situation we need a trustable persons to handle situations. by that time also, even though they able to help us, they are not taking step. i knew nanny cam is very uncomfortable to them. that's why i am asking all what to do? go through my old posts..so you can understand situation.
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Nanny camera is legal, and it needs to be informed before hand to the persons concerned. Again, you need to fix the camera in the common areas, but need not to tell exactly where it is fixed. It can still be hidden somewhere tactfully. All you need is to inform the nanny beforehand that she is being monitored through technology, and it has got nothing to do with her private stuff.. such as dress changing, using wash room, eating etc..etc... Get her consent, and chances are high that she might choose not to work with you.

    However, since your in laws are there for the purpose of monitoring the nanny, I guess a camera is pointless.

    Speak to your in laws explicitly as to what you expect. Trust them, and accept them for who they are.

    They are elders, from the village with a very different style of parenting. But you require their help, so you can't demand or make rules here. But make certain adjustments to pick the best from them. Make them feel connected, special and respected at your home. Make them feel responsible for their grand kid, and value their service with complementary comments. Elders expect them the most. It is your baby, you are responsible to care him. Not them. If they are doing anything for the baby, it is your luck that is to be recognized.

    I have the experience of living for a very short time without a person to supervise my kid and nanny. I was not living in a city where judicial system and moral values were highly respected, but abused by the people like nannies. Only I know how stressful it was. So, I highly value whatever the support I get from my mom or MIL regarding supervising the nanny and comforting the kids at my absence. It is a boost for them to do good.

    Parenting style differ. You need to learn how to respectfully disagree with their style and expect them to slowly adapt to yours.

    See, we both are educated. I hope we are of same age group. But we have a lot of different style of parenting that I could sense from your post above.

    I never wanted to stop my babies from crying without waiting for a few mins till I recognize the reason for their cry, and the solution. Sometimes it is just to shout your chest out for a relief.
    But my MIL is like you. She would feed whenever a tiniest cry is heard. She would either give milk, biscuit, candy or whatever to stop the cry the next moment. But we really do not know why the kid cried. He/she really got distracted, but his/her real problem or need wasn't addressed.

    I believe, you must give everything to your kid once the kid realizes as to what he/she wants and why. Not because you have them or you want to give them. But my MIL would just give everything, but kids will demand more and more afterwards.

    These are different style of parenting. My mom is strict and wants to discipline the kids. But I am not like that.

    We must tell them openly as to what we want. How we want. But not like ordering.

    My MIL wants to roam around the garden, and sneak to the neighbors house while kids are alone with maid inside our home. Instead of stopping her or changing her habit.. I have told her my past experience with a bad maid who hurt my baby then. Also I shared my worries and how upset I will be at work because of these thoughts. I further requested MIL whether she can ensure that she stays inside the house and monitor the maid since we know nothing much about her. I have the authority to MIL to supervise and confront if things go wrong. I requested this as help, and expected something from her. This makes her in a superior position thus he readily accepted my request and till date respecting it. Although MIL babysits only when my mom takes a break from it.

    I am sure, my MIL would show her rude face, had my request was made as an order, with attitude.
     
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  7. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    thanks. i am planning to arrange in Hall & balcony room only not in bed rooms & rest rooms :)
     
  8. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    The nanny has to build her own relationship with the baby. You cannot control every aspect but only the main things (baby getting enough sleep, food, not left crying etc). For example it is not always the right thing to feed when the baby is crying, there may be other reasons (bored, tired, need company etc). Many consider it as bad habit to distract the baby while feeding. Your baby will learn how to interact with the nanny in his own way and it may be different than when he is with you.

    Do the nanny have experience, references?
     
  9. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    what you said is right.....i will have respect on MIL if she really obeyed my feelings. but what ever i said..she gave opposite talk..

    my co-sis running her two toddlers in good day care center because she is in middle of city with own house. she left children with MIL when MIL was with them. but my Dh bought house in out skirts & we dont have any day care facility around my home. so i hired local nanny who come at morning & will leave at evening. when ever i tried to convey message that we need her with us(in more respectful way) MIL suggesting that "Day care center are good. kids will enjoy it".

    my child is 11 months infant only. he needs individual caring now instead of playing with kids. but MIL caring her own works & trying to frog jumps in b/w two sons house. co-sis is rude & her DH supports her. but my DH gave importance to parents convenience & pressuring me to stop job if i request him for his parents support. that's why i loose my respect level from big bunch to tiny bunch now.
     
  10. Reesha

    Reesha Silver IL'ite

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    yeh. my concerns are when he feel "bored, tired, need company etc", nanny should able to sooth him. so that i am trying to counsil her & she also cooperating. but MIL making her busy with other works.
    coming to baby eating, he will eat only few amount which is not at all sufficient. when ever he is hungry, he is searching for my milk instead of taking solid food. so i am distracting. i dont know how babies will eat like elders by age of 1 yr? is there any baby with that much discipline?
     

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