Working mothers - Do you feel guilty for not giving quality time to kids?

Emerald- I am not exactly in teaching. My university is R01. Well, technically my teaching load is only 5% (with 755 research and rest is extension). We don't get summer off, Christmas break is for a week. No, we don't get fall break or Spring break either. By flexibility I mean, I don't have to be physically present 9-5 at work, I can choose to work from home, if needed. Although, I don't do it because it's hard for me to concentrate at home. But I can take my son to my office. I've his blanket, toys and books in my office so he can take a nap or play while my husband and I finish work. I know not everyone is so lucky. My son goes to campus daycare which is part of university's educational system (child care lab) and people who work their are regular university employee with all the benefits so they are very happy with their work and it reflects in the care they provide. It is not cheap, actually it is one of the most expensive daycare in our area but it's worth every penny.

 

Gauri.,.what a post. So true women can never have all!!
This thread brings all working women to their reality check!!
My daughter is now 4 yr old n we are expecting second in two months.. Until my daughter was year old I took break from my work. When I resumed we shifted near my parents place! Thank god my DD dint cry as its her usual born place! Then we moved to abu dhabi again I took 2 months break from my job n enrolled my DD into nursery here with baby sitting!! To my surprise she was so happy there with her aged kids! But wen we planned for second child my first say to my hubby is that I'll not work for 1 yr from my kid birth! So I'm quitting my my job next month!!
I love my job n always negotiated with my employer about flexible timing n easiness, fortunately I got them all! But still cud not convince my self in.trusting a nanny for 3 mo old infant!!!
Quiting a job is more emotional decision where many are faced to take! More than financial idenpendance, it's a recognition we long for the education we have provided!!

 

I would beg to differ from you here; both my kids were in daycare from a very young age as early as 4 months. And yes, life was and still is in FastForward Mode. Luckily, they were not too fussy about daycares, or may be I was too practical to ignore their initial reluctance. It's always been 'Oh God It's Friday and Thank God it's Monday' in our house! I had tried every kind of daycare - a so-so one, a very good one close to my home, my friend who babysat, preschool with daycares etc etc. If it's a good daycare with good facilities, I would say your kids will love there being with other kids. In fact, my kids learnt how to eat all by themselves only because of daycare, they got potty trained early and easily seeing other kids, I would have spoiled them to the core. The memories are for us and not for them. My kids don't remember the days they were the last ones to be picked up from the daycare, while I still feel guilty as I think of those days.

Having said that, now that my boys are 11 and 9, I would love to take a break NOW. There are so many extra curricular activities and clubs that my children pass up on their own because Mommy would be busy with her work during that time . I would love to know more about their friends, what they talk, what they communicate, help them with their studies, take them for all the activities, watch over them while pretending not to , talk to them without something running at the back of my mind, make their favorite dishes (compared to their infant/toddler/child years, now they are relishing their food, looking up cookery websites, want to try out different recipes.).

My strong suggestion to all the ladies out there, if you have a choice, this intermediate stage is THE BEST to stay at home and enjoy your time with them.

 

You are a fighter! You have survived through this dilemma for so many years!
Whichever you go, there will always be some guilt. Guilt of not giving your kids enough time or not not challenging yourself enough in a work environment or supporting the family. The most important step is to step away from the guilt, the decision making will follow. It is the guilt which doesn't let us enjoy what we decide to do. You can find ways to give quality time to your children even if you are working full-time. If you enjoy doing what you do for work, you ill certainly feel less guilty. I would highly recommend reading "Lean In" by Sheryl Sandberg.

Do not compare yourself with others. Everybody's situation is different. Consider all the aspects of staying at home - financial and non-financial, even the comforts and luxuries you may have to forgo because of single income!
Finally, take pride in your decision.

 

Exactly this is my plan too. I will take a break when my DD will be 7-8 years as I feel that time is more important and kids need more time.

 

Hi,

The jargon called "Quality time" has been far too overrated. Can anybody exactly define quality time? What more quality time do SAHMs give their kids that is not given by the working mothers? A bird will also leave her chicks screaming and squealing in the nest "unattended" to go in search of worms. Does that mean she should feel guilty. The purpose may be financial or intellectual one its the society which has made us feel the guilt.
I have seen some SAHM whose children come home from school and goto their friends home coz the mom is not home...is may be kitty partying somehwere.....justified?...whereas working mothers will be careful enough to arrange everything so that the child is comfortable.....what is more quality then?
The guilt should appear only if the child is being neglected. If the child is healthy does reasonably well in studies....is mixing with his peers the guilt should not appear. A hug ...few kisses,pillow fights in the bed...talking to them about their friends...even for few mins a day.... these are seriously enough to fill their daily quota.
I too am a working mother of 2....i too miss them during the day so definitely make it a point to call them during the day. I too have my chores of cooking n cleaning after reaching home ..i make them study with me in the kitchen.... see some cartoon with them at times while chopping some vegges etc....i multitask my time with them
Beautiful ladies....working full day and household chores take its toll anyway. Dont let guilt take its toll over and above. U all have independent kids in the making. Be proud!

 

Well said Divya! VERY TRUE INDEED....

 

Thanks Emerald to bring this topic, it was just as if you read my mind............:exactly: