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How to be more proactive about not being financially exploited by IL

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by HasteRaho, Jan 16, 2015.

  1. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

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    I have some questions to ask those of you who have found yourselves amidst being financially exploited by your in laws or relatives. Especially by those who have wronged you or mistreated you yet they feel entitled to request large sums of money (and of course, not only are they unlikely to pay it back...ever...but they also won't change their behavior/attitudes towards you despite you/your spouse saving their ass out of the fire)...

    1) What was the situation you found yourself in with a relative or inlaw asking for money...large sums...repeatedly (let's say, every 8-12 months)

    2) What did you (and you spouse) wind up doing?

    3) Did you both see a pattern? If only one of you saw it, how did you open your spouse's eyes to it. Did you anticipate and make plans on how to deal with it in the future should the same financial needs crop up again?

    4) What kind of conversations did you have to facilitate with your spouse, the person asking for money or for others who requested it on their behalf? What were the implications of having those conversations in the short term and long term?

    5) What was the outcome? Did you arrive at a mutual understanding? Were you able to implement it?

    6) Out of your experiences, what lessons did you learn? If you knew earlier what you know now, what would you have done differently?


    Why am I asking about this?
    I'm asking this because I'm starting to see a my BIL and Cosis be financially exploitative of both my DH and my PILs and seeing this as a pattern, I am anticipating it to happen again and I would like to be proactive by having those tough conversations with my DH (which I've begun having and eventually I want us to have a shared understanding about this with my PILs, too) so I can share my concerns, hope to have a shared plan in place with my DH should it continue to happen in the future and encourage DH to have a shared understand with the PILs about what's okay and what's not okay in the future.

    Brief summary on my dynamics with my inlaws:
    I'm about 3.5 years into marriage, no kids, both DH and I are really happy...we both have careers in fields we're passionate about and worked very very hard to achieve. I personally get along really well with all of my inlaws (even my MIL who I've grown to have a good relationship with. My FIL is also great but he's easily manipulated and reluctant to see the reality of the situation, especially when it's one where he needs to do something he's not happy about, at times) and I have not one problem with any of them — not even any of the extended ILs. The only problem for me is the older BIL and his wife (mainly it's her and most of it stems from, she simply controls the BIL to behave as per her wishes). COSIS and BIL have mistreated me a lot since DH and I got married. Despite my best efforts to reconcile the past couple of years to try to keep a cordial relationship on account of my DH and BIL, the cosis shot every attempt down and twisted every well-intentioned action into something disgusting — then influences BIL. After 2.5 years of this, it's gotten to the point where we are no longer on talking terms with the Cosis/BIL for the past year...the no talking and acting as if I don't exist was an initiative on their part which I embraced and let go. Now even though DH has the freedom from me to speak to them, he himself refuses to speak or acknowledge the cosis now who he has seen mistreat not only me but she's done similar mistreatments to MIL, too, (which we came to learn later). Even the PILs have not faulted me once they heard/saw everything that's transpired but like any parents would, they worry about their son, BIL, who's too spineless to hold his wife accountable so he just obliges. PILs keep a pretty basic form of relationship with the BIL and cosis because of their grand-daughter and partly because they're really really worried about BIL (he's had health issues in the past due to all the stress imparted on him by his wife and PILs not being too happy about his situation...all of this happened before I came into the picture) and my DH only chooses to speak with BIL from time to time, usually this happens whenever BIL has his wife's permission...needless to say, DH too worries about his older brother.

    I'll share more of the financial exploitative pattern that's emerging and I'd like to nip in the bud once I hear a few of your stories and lessons you've learned which would be immensely helpful for not only myself but I imagine it could be helpful for others.
     
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  2. confusedwoman

    confusedwoman Silver IL'ite

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    Dear HR,
    Just say you have loans, expenditures, school fees etc as soon as you see them. If this subtlety does not work, say you can't at this time firmly. Don't even say you will discuss with husband just say no.
     
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  3. shainy

    shainy Silver IL'ite

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    Proactively invest into some thing like real estate, gold or FD based on both of your salaries, especially keeping some thing aside for emergencies. This makes your DH not to loan/gift his brother any thing even though he wants to. You don't have to deal with any unpleasantness and scratch your head save you from family drams.

    Dramas happen when there is a left over money / savings in your bank. When your self on the tight budget, your DH may not oblige even to give any money.
     
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  4. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks, confused woman.

    This has happened a couples times now but let's just say that the first time, BIL requested DH directly. Second time, DH was requested by FIL on BIL's behalf. Both times, it was DH being put in the position of some form of time-sensitive urgency. I'd like to hear about others' experiences but to be brief about what has happened so far:

    I let it go the first time as it was concerning how their finances changed once they had a baby (DH gave $9000) and a fraction of it was paid back by BIL. This time around, FIL pulled DH aside to request the same amount of ($9000) on BIL's behalf (this was to pay for cosister's education) because BIL requested FIL directly...however, since FIL himself didn't have that big of a sum available at hand...FIL requested DH to give the funds and that FIL would pay DH back over time. Again, I believe FIL must feel some tinge of guilt to ask DH considering what the dynamics are between us, but I'm not happy about not having been included in that decision-making process then nor am I thrilled about helping those who are so bitter against us. But I had a conversation with DH about this which was along the lines of "You guys handle it how you want this time around but to avoid having issues between us in the future, this is what needs to happen:

    1) When you all make critical decisions where you don't bring me in on it sooner or take my opinions into account... that to me suggests that your father and you consider me part of the family one moment, and not the next. I will consider myself not part of the family if this happens again and act accordingly.

    2) When your PILs and you are so concerned about your BIL that you fear holding his wife accountable, yet are willing to do anything and everything to help your BIL whenever without addressing the big elephant in the room — that makes me pretty uncomfortable because we are not obliged to help those who act as if we don't exist. I don't care for apologies but your PILs raised an educated, able-bodied, working son who's an adult capable of being accountable for his life choices without having to rely on others for financial support. His wife is also able-bodied and educated. In short, I'm all for helping people in tough times but can we all just make sure we're not becoming blind enablers for something worse?

    3) If it's for her tuition and your BIL is so confident in his wife being able to get a degree and finding work, then why don't they do what most people do and just get a loan? That way, at least they'll be accountable for their actions to someone. Partly I say this because I know as a fact that they live beyond their means, and they do it by asking retired PILs for financial aid. I also say this because I don't want DH and I to be constantly the "Deer in headlights" where DH is guilted to financially support BIL and his wife and their family for an indefinite period of time. My other concern is what happens when she has more kids and then decides not to work? I'm not trying to dictate how others live their life but I care when it's somehow influencing my DH and me since they'll try to come to DH for financial support. I don't care how they live their life so long as we're not the ones paying for it.

    The kicker here is that when DH tried to wire the money to BIL, BIL said "No, I have the money in my Indian account" and then "No, Father is going to give it to me." But then FIL kept asking DH if he'd sent it to BIL. DH told his dad that BIL said he doesn't want it...after some back and forth like this, BIL finally gave DH the account number. Then shortly after, around New Years Eve, BIL kept calling DH repeatedly to ask for DH's account number to wire the money back because "Your bhabhi doesn't want your money so we will return it immediately" and a "Please don't tell mom and dad about this." Now PILs are under the impression that they took the money and FIL tried to pay some fraction of it back to DH. DH doesn't want to take FIL's money especially because BIL said he'd return it back but he also feels his hands are tied since he doesn't want to tell PILs that his brother refused the money and want to return it. Oh, by the way, its' been two weeks and the money BIL said he'd return to us "immediately" so spitefully is still not in DH's account.

    I also anticipate that considering their visa status, they are coming up close to their H1B expiring and I believe the maximum time of it being renewed has gone past. If they're unable to find a job that sponsors their green card, guess who they will want to ask to sponsor it personally?

    Anyway, I want my DH to learn from these experiences, too. Beyond that, my goal is to figure out how to talk with DH about how to deal with these things moving forward since I'm pretty sure will happen again just as they've happened in the past. In the future...before DH is put on the spot like that again... I want DH and I to have an understanding of how DH can communicate that to his parents, how we can have a follow up conversation with us and PILs directly to make sure they understand the consequences of something like this continuing is going to strain an otherwise happy marriage (MIL is not for this sort of set up and is very protective about our marriage but she gets concerned about her older son's circumstances. It's mostly FIL as the one who is reluctant to address the realities and is becoming a blind enabler to these things)...and how to start holding people accountable for their own decisions without them feeling entitled that we will save their ass out of the fire each time. Candidly speaking, I'm not okay part of being a marriage set up like that where we're supporting another's lifestyle and family where they don't hold themselves accountable and don't treat DH, let alone me, with a shred of respect.

    So before continuing to have more serious conversations with DH, I'd love to hear some stories about other folks who dealt with similar situations and what knowledge or insights they'd give.
     
  5. noush

    noush Bronze IL'ite

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    Sometimes pressure and being in the tight situation teaches men to seek the truth and also learn their lessons. I think things you have mentioned about taking your opinion and also to be considered to be part of the famil is an excellent point you have raised with your do

    you have good example in front of your eyes - your BIL in under a lot of pressure from his wife but since your PIL and DH are there for his rescue your BIL will not improve, chances are very less as the pressure his wife is creating is released by your PIL and dh

    but on the other hand you have made things clear with yourDH if there is no one to help him out he will learn to deal. With the situations better


    you also need to communicate with yourDH about how much $$$ you need to to plan your family, baby,holiday, investments


    hope I am making sense
     
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  6. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

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    This is good advice and we're beginning to do those things now. DH and I are very close to having enough to buy a decent house. We're also recently set up our own business and investing time, effort money into that, too.
     
  7. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

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    I hear you, loud and clear! Thanks! I really want my husband to feel comfortable in bringing me in on decisions and not feeling pressured to leave me out of it. I do intend to tell him "I want you to know you can always share things with me and I'll promise I'll try to keep an open mind..."

    As for BIL, I don't envy his position but hey, he needs to stand by the decisions made by him which include supporting his wife's decisions. That's fine and I understand that. But that doesn't give him the license to request the money from DH or us being okay. You can't help those not willing to help themselves.

    I really want DH to learn from all of this himself and how he can deal with these directly and indirect asks from his BIL/Cosister in the future without straining our marriage. The earlier we can establish an understanding, the better. I would love advice on what points to raise or how those conversations have gone in the past for those who've had them.
     
  8. HasteRaho

    HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

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    So, out of 490+ views and lurkers, aside from the 3 posters, no one has any other insights or opinions to share? waitingsmiley
     
  9. confusedwoman

    confusedwoman Silver IL'ite

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    I say let him loan the money for now, then when they don't pay back. You have this ace up your sleeve that they never pay back. Also unless you have kids,men don't usually worry about loans getting paid back by their family members. sad but true....so you have to have proof and keep bringing up the proof at regular intervals non-confrontingly. You can't stop him from giving the money at this stage.
     
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  10. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Honestly I don't know how to advise you b/c I haven't reached that point.

    But somehow, purposely investing money to avoid giving money seems to be a bit of a stretch. What if the investment goes South?

    I can take a shot in the dark here: give them firm no. Your cosis sounds like a bully and only cowards are bullies. If you face the bully, she will fight back and there will be more fights, but I think eventually she will back down because that's what cowards do .....
     
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