Is there any way to reduce SIL's visits?

It is as easy as pils treating the dil the same way they treat the children.

What if the heart of one side only pumps blood....and is not the caring and loving heart? What if their is no intent for 'mutual 'understanding and only one side to understand the other?

 

@pocahontas
Loved your post .

 

Hi Friends!

I went through the posts and reply completely. I think many of us facing problems with MILs and SILs.

I too faced all these. I have 3 SILs and all got married and have children.
The first SIL is living in the same city and cleverly she left her daughter with her parents so that she can visit daily her mom.
The second SIL transferred her job to this place and came with two children and settled with parents leaving her husband alone.
The third SIL also living with her son and her husband was working in abroad.

My MIL didn't tell all these to us before marriage and my mother also thought they have visited for the marriage and would after 1 or 2 weeks.

When I got married and came to this house, the whole family will be there forever with 13 members. Imagine how would it be for a new bride. My husband also did not tell me about the family background and who will be with us after marriage. Because he himself did not sure about what decision would my MIL take about their daughters.

Like others said, there will be no privacy and SILs children play in our room, play in computer till late night and would watch TV and destroy few things and make dirty , etc. But my MIL will not say anything to their daughters or grand children.

Like one of our IL friend said,
1. all SILs and MIL would sit and chitchat in low voice. when I come out of my room or cross them, they would stop talking or change topic
2. I have heard My first and second SIL talking to my MIL about how my MIL has to treat me
3. My MIL would give preference to only her daughters, Son-in-Laws and grand children. She will not even hear what my FIL or DH says.
4. Many times my SILs and MIL has told me that 'I am a third person to this house and I am nobody to give suggestion and take decision'. I was badly hurt and cried many days for this.

I do not know what they expected me to do in this situation. When I asked my husband about this, he told me to keep patience and wait. So, I kept quite for 8 long years. Finally, one after another got job in different places and left home. After that we both looked after MIL and FIL and both passed away in the same year.

Now, the SILs say that if they had lived under the same roof, their parents would have been treated well and lived for some more years and we did not took care of them.

Now the second SIL cleverly admitted her son in the college in the same city and that boy visits home every week. So I have to make a big meal three times a day.
My SIL would visit home to see her son every month.

The Third SIL is planning to admit her son also in the same city so that she can come and stay with us.

All these makes so irritating and I have no peace of mind. I feel have been treated like a maid. Me and my DH have fought on this many times, but he does not have any control over their sisters. The biggest problem is the SILs would want to maintain the home especially Kitchen, like my MIL is to do. I cannot even change or rearrange things as I would want to. I am going Mad.

Thank God, I have a nice job and my time flies off in this. On weekends, I am busy in cleaning up home and garden just to avoid any discussion or quarrels. Otherwise, I will start stitching my clothes.

I have a fear whether all SILs would join together and start staying in the same house again. As we don't have children, I am feeling so depressed and want no problems for rest of my life.

Since I have faced all these problems with my SILs, myself and my sisters had decided not to disturb my brother and his wife and let they be happy without any problems.

 

Somebody send a link to this thread to OP's SIL, the sheer size will stop her visits, if not the contents .... :coffee

 

Dear vijinanthu.....3 sils...hats of to you.:hatsoff
It's time you put your foot down.Next time firmly tell them off.Tell them you don't interfere in their homes...and you don't want interference in yours.Period.

 

@pocahontas @yellowmango

Great posts and thank you for taking the time to write it. Really appreciate it.

I agree we are in a transition generation as there is more openness and cross learning going on. Girls are getting more educated, Boys are moving out of their homes for studies or work and hence understand what it takes to run a house. People are getting more conscious about retirement and taking efforts to be not dependent on their children when they retire. Divorce is not seen as a taboo as it used to be.

 

hubbyslife,

 

1) But here the topic was whether or not to care and be bothered for PILs. I already said that no girl is an angel to forget and forgive the evil deeds done towards her or her parents. It is not probable to always remain nice when people r so bad to you. In such cases as I said before only the husband can interfere and make a clear decision. If the husband is a typical mama's boy then the girl herself has to take a call when there is no one to defend her.

2) In such cases, Brain can be used....but again solely depends upon individuals whether they have to really love and care or just act or just not.

 

1) The issue was whether to care or not for PIL by the DIL. Caring and loving is a very petty issue I believe!

2) Only to care for husband and not for them who has given him birth is not an Indian culture.

3) It was very clearly stayed by you that women these days are too clear about not getting into an arranged marriage. Love marriage is the only option left according to me then.

4) Yes agreed, it is very much the same meaning...
A practise of compromise and co-operation - But when it comes to husband's parents the real meaning goes away and only compromise is left and where there is compromise , there we cannot expect love and respect because these feelings will get suppressed under it.

 

1) Petty issues for you are serious issues for them. People have stopped getting married because of these issues.

2) I am not following, nor advocating western culture. Only what is sensible.

3) I have mentioned that children are responsible for parents. Perhaps you have missed it. I am not debating love marriage vs arranged marriage.

4) Do a Google search on give and take in relationships. You will understand what we are saying on this.
____________________________________________________________________

1) The issue was whether to care or not for PIL by the DIL. Caring and loving is a very petty issue I believe!
2) Only to care for husband and not for them who has given him birth is not an Indian culture.
3) It was very clearly stayed by you that women these days are too clear about not getting into an arranged marriage. Love marriage is the only option left according to me then.
4) Yes agreed, it is very much the same meaning...
A practise of compromise and co-operation - But when it comes to husband's parents the real meaning goes away and only compromise is left and where there is compromise , there we cannot expect love and respect because these feelings will get suppressed under it.