Any advice to this situation....

Well explained..

 

I understand your point about acting. But I was only thinking of the pain she will have if she cuts off everyone abruptly. So my suggestion was more like keeping low for some time till these passing clouds blow away. Anyway she definitely should concentrate more on her husband and children than such turncoats.

 

Where is A's husband in all this? A's mother, brother, sister etc etc are her previous family. It's not her world. A should realize that her DH and in laws are her present family and be more close to them like how her sil did.

 

Here problems are many. For the sil:
1. A dil is generally in tight situation while handling one MIL. The sil of A is unlucky enough to have two of them. Mamma’s boys are trouble enough, here is a sis’s bro as well to take care of. Its completely natural for the new wife to feel insecure when her dh cannot think of anything else other than his sis. I know a friend of mine whose dh was so obsessed with his sister that he once called his wife as ‘sis’ by mistake that too when they were in bed together. This exp shattered her so much that she could not bring herself to be intimate with her dh for sometime after that.

2. The sil is forced to disconnect, at least apparently, with her own blood relations because of whatever happened between A and them. This, I suppose, is not a small sacrifice on her part. And this naturally makes her even more insecure about her place in her dh’s life. C’mon everybody wants to be centre of her own inner circle. A may have obliged her siblings a lot, hence they may be grateful to her but the sil has no reason to be so. A was not a second mother to her.

3. A, who herself has sided with her own family at the cost of her in laws should not expect her sil to side with someone of her in laws for whom she has lost her own family (at least apparently) and has to constantly struggle to keep her dh to herself. Having said that the sil should understand that after all, she is sis to her dh and hence she deserves some love and respect from her as well. And should show that. Locking herself in room when she comes is too disrespectful of her.

For A: She has loved her siblings and mom with all her might at the cost of her in laws and all. And now the sudden change that has happened after her bro’s marriage has naturally shattered her. As her mom has always put her as a priority, she is pained to see that she is not doing so any more. But she has to understand that when a new person comes in the family the family dynamics invariably changes. As it has happened in her own marital house. Her mom asked her to leave because her sil did not like her. So if she wants to keep it close to what it was, she has to try to win the new member over. She cannot force any one to love her because she loved her siblings.

They both could have done these things in order to keep the family intact. Now that they didn't do that and things have gone way too far from the limit of repairing, both of them, should for the time being, concentrate on their own life without thinking about other. both should be busy in their own lives. Let time heal.

 

I agree with yellowmango, reading OP post here, it is only one side of the story.
Since A has been the main person all along, probably she is not able to accept that there is anther person in command here and who her brother and mom listens to. we have seen that happen several times in other families.

That said, if she really is itnerested in peace, she will let her brother and SIl lead their life the way they want and will maintain cordial relationship with ehr brother.

In spite of that if the SIL behaves badly adn doesn;t change, then that relationsip is not worth it.

 

I am not the best person to answer this, so I am not even going attempt!

Few questions here - Does A's mom still live with A? You told us A is dependent on mom, is it the other way too? And by that I mean both financial and moral support. How is A's husband and how is his rapport with A's mom and brother?

If A's mom was also dependent on A and is now not supporting A - I don't find that fair at all! It is as if A was used when no one had a family home in the same city.

And I know I shouldn't point this out - Looks like A's mom doesn't want to antagonize anyone and that is why she is asking A not to spend a lot of time at B's house.
Why didn't she ask A not to burn bridges with her in-laws when A was taking sides?
If all this was not unintentional, then looks like everyone (A's mom, brother and sis) knows which side of their bread is buttered

 

OP..I would forgive the sil for feeling so insecure.The brother here seems to be obsessed in his love and devotion to A and her children.It is neither necessary nor normal for a grown up man to make promises of continued love for the children or A ,after his marriage.Too much drama.
Even his spending on A 's family was a natural course of insecurity for sil as A does not seem to require it. The fact that such promises were made shows that A probably had her pre conceived fears about her brother changing after marriage(which he should have).

His considering his sister as a second mom could also have caused resentment in the mom. It does seem like 'mom fail' to her if the sister has to step up and be the second mom or take her place.

Elder siblings ...specially sisters can be very overpowering influences in peoples lives. It sometimes becomes a parent child relationship rather than sibling relationships. It can sometimes become a bit claustrophobic for the younger siblings because they cannot voice their opinions or oppose decisions because of the 'abnormal' relationship....unlike the more open sibling relationships.

My mom is the eldest of many siblings.Normally she is not a very domineering person....but when she is around her gang of younger siblings...she is a different person.My dad jokingly says she acts like a village pradhan(head).I have seen her giving unsolicited advice,disapprovals ,approvals which are never opposed.They may not follow it but they never voice any difference out of respect.Thankfully she gets this grand audience only once or twice in 3-4 years .If done often enough ...it can cause silent resentment.

 

Sil made a mistake and she worked towards correcting it and it was rewarded. The sil is also probably the youngest and it is easier for the older ones to forgive younger ones.

A being the oldest and'mother like' should have made more of an effort to get along. She is the more mature and experienced one.

She should not hold the other relationships in the family ransom to her fight with sil. If she expects others not to get along with sil who has gone out of her way to appease...then it is wrong on A's part. She should not exploit her past 'sacrifices' to define sil's relationship with the rest of the family.

It looks like a big ego battle between the sil and A. Had she been more accommodating and forgiving(being the older and mother like figure)....people would not have to choose sides. They could have two places where the family could be together.They were forced to choose...and they chose brother's home.

She cannot hold the siblings responsible for her ignoring her husband's side of the family.She seems to have a problem balancing relationships .

They seem to be closer to sil than A........hence seem to believe her.

OP...A needs to understand that the family dynamics have changed and since she is the one left alone...she has to look within her to find what happened.

It is her mom,brother and sister ...not some strangers. If people who were so central to her life and so devoted to her have changed...then there must be some reason why it happened. It is almost impossible to change a 'mommy's boy' so drastically ...so soon.There has to be reason that she is unwilling to look at or accept. Either there was some simmering underlying tensions...or the family believes that her conduct in the sil vs A problem was wrong.

She needs to stop ignoring the elephant in the room.....the entire family cannot be ingrate turncoats.Also...making some conciliatory steps towards sil would be seen as a grand gesture and make help her gain some lost ground...or she can wait and let time heal relationships.