is my husband right

Dear Priynwada,
My heart goes out to you. I can see my husband here though he was very abusive verbally and emotionally. It escalated to physical abuse in the last year. I feel sorry for your kid.
YOU ARE MARRIED TO A TYPICAL ABUSER. THE PROBLEM IS HIS PSYCHOLOGY AND HIS ATTITUDE. WHATEVER THE CASE HE DOESNOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO ABUSE YOU.
YOU SHOULD MAKE HIM REPENT FOR HIS ACTIONS. I WOULD ASK YOU TO TRY COUNSELLING FOR THE LAST RESORT BEFORE FILING FOR A DIVORCE.
But unfortunately most abusers may not change. I am just asking you to try so that you will not regret in future. I think your husband will not change.

Don't lose your peace of mind staying in an abusive marriage just for the sake of the society. You will lose your self confidence and self esteem. You are not responsible for his behavior. They use these tactics to rip your self esteem as he is having issues with himself. I would suggest you to give an ultimatum and learn more about indian and American laws. If you are more empowered, no one can shatter you

All the best. BE STRONG. I BELIEVE IN KARMA. WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND. HE WILL REAP WHAT HE HAS SOWED..TAKE CARE, MY DEAR

 

Priynwada,

You were not flirting on FB, and all this happened before marriage, and was communicated to him. So, why are you scared? No one can blame you here.
You may have missed some deadlines, still physical violence is not justified.

I hope you have changed all the passwords that you shared with him.

It seems like your husband is giving you empty threats to scare you back into the relationship. He seems scared that you will gain your parents' support and take legal action against him. Just reply to your husband that your parents know everything, and they are shocked that he is thinking of accessing and publishing his wife's FB messages, which is an invasion of privacy. Let him know they will support you 100%.

Please let your family members know what an abusive situation you were living in. Please do not let this person go scot free after abusing you. File a police complaint against him, after consulting a lawyer. If he is in US, then he will be asked to return to India. Let him face the consequences.

After what he has done to you, it seems unlikely that he will get custody of your child.

If you are thinking of going back, please put the condition of seeing a marriage counselor. You will have proof against him in case things go wrong again, and a stronger case.

Hope you are able to get out of this situation soon. Wish you all the best.

PS: As for your scars, you can get them treated and removed surgically if they bother you. A very effective remedy against acne scars is regular application of toothpaste (the white one that is commonly available), applied overnight everyday.

 

OP, Hugs to you dear. Don't take all these nonsense anymore. It is good that you are in India away from the monster. No husband has right to beat the wife. It is a crime and also immoral. Don't go back to US. Stay in India and cut off all relation with your husband. Don't take his phone calls or communicate over internet. Take help of lawyers and file a case of divorce. Your husband is totally wrong. Don't have such thoughts.

 

All the best OP. You deserve to be happy. I am so so proud of you and your parents - that you have chosen to take some action (and not just crib on IL) and that your parents are supporting you and not telling you to adjust.

Hats off to them and you!! All the best.

 

my feedback does not matter ... ..since you have done the right thing now !!

 

OP,

You have 3 options

1. Give this marriage another chance like your aunt has suggested
2. File for divorce and custody battle
3. Take elders help to arbitrate your case


Option 1:

If you think you've made more good times than bad and if you still have faith in this marriage, you may want to consider giving your husband another chance.

Here are things you need to consider for this course of action:

1. Communicate that this is the last chance you are giving the marriage.
2. Communicate that you are upset by his previous behaviour and don't want anymore physical violence
3. Be fully aware that you are going to be a dependent in a foreign country with little legal rights
4. Keep in touch with a domestic violence agency on phone / internet to keep them updated about your situation
5. Have a friend / relative near your home who can help you in case of an emergency. You should be able to go to this person's house if things become unbearable. Alternatively, find a hotel nearby where you can safely stay a few nights before you can figure things out
6. You said that your parents are well off - take a few thousand dollars with you, split the money and hide it in different purses along with your belongings. You should be able to easily access this money should he cancel all your cards / restrict your access to money
7. Buy a good button camera / mini voice recorder - record violent incidents - be ready - whenever he slaps / abuses you, you should tape it. Start gathering evidence.
8. Go with an open mind and suggest that you and your husband go to a marriage counsellor.
9. If you have enough evidence of domestic violence you can apply for a green card on the basis of domestic violence.

Option 2:

1. Find a job in India
2. Don't send a notice, but try to make attempts to ask for counselling with your husband. In your conversations detail the abuses he has done to you and ask him kindly and gently, why he did them to you. Tell him how upset it made you very calmly. Ask him why he treated you that way. Make him acknowledge that he hit you by way of asking him for an explanation. If he says sentences like "You made me angry" or "You deserved it", don't fight. Instead, say, "I am sorry I made you feel that way, but xyz is how I saw it". Record all phone conversations / skype conversations with husband and in-laws. In the recording, you must come across as reasonable an your husband should come across as someone unreasonable.

3. Take best care of your baby and document all doctor visits, play school receipts, take plenty of photographs of his / her development, keep receipts of all toys, books etc. purchased for kid. Explain the situation to kid's school teacher and if needed they should be able to vouch for you as a good mom. Keep investing big sums of money in your baby's name in the bank. Also ask your parents and everyone else who has an interest in the child's welfare to invest in the baby. When you are doing this, ask for money from baby's father and grandparents. Mostly they will say no - if they abuse you while saying no - even better - record it. Build up evidence.

3. Keep your husband and in-laws looped in on all decisions you make on behalf of the baby - all vaccination appointments, health issues, buying decisions etc. Take your baby to the best of the best and try to spend a lot of money on the baby - say you are giving the best care - ask your husband to pay half the bill if you have a job, else full bill. Since you will be choosing the most expensive option, he may have a thing or two to say about it. Without being unreasonable point out why you chose hospital x over hospital y (much cheaper, but not hygienic - send photographic evidence to back up your claim). Build up evidence that the baby's father is not sending enough money for the baby's upkeep on time. This is strong evidence for you to get custody. You have to show the court that you are capable of being a responsible co-parent who can give prompt updates on baby's well-being but the father is not bothered about paying for the baby's upkeep. Be careful only to spend on essentials. This can easily backfire otherwise.

4. If your husband asks you to come back, say you will come back only if he agrees for couple counselling as you fear your safety and baby's safety.

5. If your husband does not ask you to come back, once you and your lawyer are satisfied that you have built up enough evidence, file a case asking for mutual consent. Try not to contest the case. Get a negotiator to do an out-of-court settlement if possible. This is the easiest and quickest way.


Option 3:

Once you have collected enough evidence, keeping the evidence as back-up, talk to your family and one or two members who is closest from his family / friends / well-wishers group (don't show them the evidence right away). Ask them to speak to your husband on your behalf.

See if you can reach a point where you can start afresh. If these talks fail, file a case - since you now have enough evidence.


Patience is the key. Use this time to build up evidence, examine your own feelings and making a genuine effort to reconcile. But if all else fails, you have a back-up plan.

When collecting evidence, don't do it with a grudge - do it with the aim of making your marriage work again. Do it with an open mind that anything can happen and you hope to live a happy life again - with or without this man.

It is true that people change - everyone deserves a second chance - but you have to be practical and cautious when you give them the second chance. This is what I've outline here. Good luck!

 

Good for you, OP. You are doing the right thing by taking your child away from this person. Looks like you have every thing planned.

Happy New Year to you too .

 

well done priya.. now you are on the right track.... Stong Lady indeed....

 

priynwada - Consider option 2 of sripree's suggestion. BUT one change : I would simply not recommend returning back. The incidents of domestic violence have been extreme and if I were you, i would be genuinely scared if I will survive another stay in US. Even if husband agrees for couples counselling do it in India and not US. I would not wish that you once again be the helpless dependent at his mercy with no social or moral support.

Even assuming that you did something that caused him to be upset, NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING justifies what he has done to you.

I would like you to consider well meaning advice people have given you that this marriage is toxic. Indeed life after divorce may not be a bed of roses but at the very least you will not be getting beat up or driven to suicide due to violence.

I worry that you are just 25 and have faced so much and do not want to see you put yourself in harm's way by poor decision making. Infact you are someone's child too. What would you advice if you had a kid that faced this ? Would you not protect her ?

Going to police, lodging a case etc - postpone for now - you may do so as a last resort as when dealing with abusers it helps to make a clean break without any drama that will cause them to wreck damage in other ways.