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Help Please.. Need to take decision !

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by married, Dec 24, 2014.

  1. tashidelek2002

    tashidelek2002 IL Hall of Fame

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    OP:
    I honestly don't think you owe these people anything. They conned you, treated you badly....what can you possible owe them? More like they owe you.

    My opinion: leave that house and don't look back. There are so many women who will do anything to be married, they will find a new victim in no time. Don't worry.
     
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  2. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, given your circumstances, you are quite calm in how you describe the situation and how you have coped with it. To go through this but almost not blame anyone for it, shows some strength of character.

    I am glad you have the support of your mother and close friend. But one thing is worrisome - your idea that "if my husband really loves & values me he will do the right thing. I am not going to put him in any uncomfortable situation neither demand anything"

    You are being too good and kind. You are settling for anything if he simply agrees to live separately. While living separately will be an improvement in your life, is that all you want in the long term? Do you really want to continue to help such in-laws financially all your life? Do you think just by living separately the problems will go away? What if your FIL passes away. Will your husband be able to leave his mother and sister alone? What when both parents pass away? Will your sister-in-law become your responsibility? If you have kids by then, would you like to have her around in the same house as them?

    You need some time away from such a house. I would suggest you live away at least for a few weeks and take your time to decide.

    Your choices seem to be:
    Walk away, and find a better person.
    Convince husband to live separately and deal with in-laws from a distance.
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. Twinkel

    Twinkel Platinum IL'ite

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    They are just using you as another income resource. You are letting them do it, as you stress on the point you have no issues with it. Marriage is supposed to bring happiness and fulfillment to your life. Any adjustment that is made should give you peace at end of the day. Whats point in living in that house? ??
    Help yourself and do yourself a favour. Make your dh see things clearly and Move out immediately. Need not discuss with your inlaws. Let them see you moving out with your packed bags and if they ask anything tell them to ask their son. Get out and experience life. That will give yourself and your husband some time to realise things. Keep your parents informed, but don't ask for permissions. Your mental peace and happiness mean much more than your father's reputation, and convey that clearly to your dad. Living separately or managing finances or any other negotiation can be made if at all your husband approaches you after some time, when he realises your importance in his life. Else, you are lucky, just move on, lot better than thinking about suicide.
     
  4. bron

    bron Silver IL'ite

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    If u r not hoing seperate from ur inlaws i dont c any hope in ur marraige..support them financially according to justice..dont give that from ur income ..make all ur income or atleast 3/4th as savings even after u go seperately..u married only ur husband not his whole family to carry as ur burden..u owe them nothing financially n ur mul has no right to ask ur income even a penny..if ur husband is not ready for setting up a seperate home ..i dont c any future in ur married life..they are blood suckers get out from them fast..i wish u a better life..
    .
     
  5. friendlygirl

    friendlygirl Silver IL'ite

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    I agree with many il posts here. You are very calm and composed given your situation.kudos to that.

    I agree with Rihana about staying separately. I don't think it will solve your problem if your husband is forced to take that decision.

    You are an educated girl who is strong, take some time off from this family and figure out what you want to do. If your husband is really interested in keeping thus marriage, he will take a step towards you. At that point it is ok for you to take several steps towards him .

    I am sure you won't but I am sure there will be people giving advises about having a kid etc..as a solution to this problem but please don't even think about that option.

    I know living separately is not an easy option but atleast it will allow you to be yourself.
     
  6. indoc

    indoc Gold IL'ite

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    @OP..
    Divorce is a big step.. so be patient..
    Is your and/or your husband's job transferable.. if so get a transfer.... stay as far away from your in-laws..
     
  7. pear

    pear Gold IL'ite

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    Dear op,

    If your DH is the sole earning member combined with your extra income your MIL needs to shout and create all kind of mess to keep you under control.She is doing whats good for herself.So start thinking whats good for yourself to live your life.Checking your mobile,spying you are all ways to keep tag of you .They may just checking the outside conversation & meetings bet you and your Dh(more bothered about what kind of relationship you share behind thier back).Thier nature shows thier insecured feelings ,i doubt they may allow you a peaceful life under thier roof.

    Your MIL needs the financial authority to rule the house.So she fights with you daily to show her control and intiminates you about not to think of separate life(thats her worst fear).She fight with you and your DH to make sure that you people dont dare to think of a seperation.Your MIL wont allow you to hold any savings to your name.And i dont think that she may care to save your marriage by allowing you to live separately.

    To save the marriage you need your Dhs complete support.Otherwise its not feasible to continue with dignity in this marriage.Analyse whether your Dh sees you as a life partner or somebody to enhance the income of his family.You could threaten(only threaten) to leave the job to know his reaction.

    PRAYERS TO YOU
     
  8. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Separating and remarrying will be more easier as this stage than after 5 years and having one baby.
     
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  9. married

    married Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank u everyone for taking time to read abt my problem n giving suggestions. I am trying to remain as much strong as possible. I m a kind of person who hates to complain about anything. So far in my life I have always accepted what has come along my way n made d best out of it. I talk very less as well but for my MIL that's a sign of a lier who likes to hide things & keep secrets..
    Anyways update : I completed 1 year of marriage few days back. MIL asked me about how r we celebrating it, having no interest in d same I told her that whatever they decide is fine.. it was decided that it will b celebrated simply at home n only my parents will b invited. On d day of anniversary she created big drama for no reason n started accusing that I do not like to stay in her house n I put no efforts in d relationship. She started shouting that once my parents come she will complain to them & will make sure I follow all d rules as per her wishes. I told her that I do not want to stay with them anymore... Even bigger drama followed n my SIL started accusing me of stealing her brother away n she will never allow him to go away anywhere... I simply told them that I m not taking thr son/ brother anywhere but stepping out alone. When she realised d seriousness she took d u turn n said sorry to me. Accepted that she becomes insecure n does all ths things.. I told her that I can't deal with ths episodes of her n can only try.. my husband was sent out to stand in d balcony while all ths es going on & he obeyed like a small child.. d rest of d day went okay.. but withaout any wishes or gift from husband...
    Right now I m feeling as if I m on notice period.. u know that feeling when u have given notice to leave to ur boss ... U feel light, u don't care about what's going on, u stop caring abt majority of d r
    Things coz u know its going to end soon ... The situation at home is very similar...
    I know that she won't change... Treating people badly is deep in brain.. She is very insecure..
    Atleast I have given a last chance...
     
  10. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    OP,

    What do you mean by saying you have given a last chance? Are you leaving for good? Are you staying some time to see if they change? Like you said, MIL won't change. So, please make sure that your relationship with ILs is based on your terms henceforth, if you decide to stay.
     

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