Is there any way to reduce SIL's visits?

Its ok SGBV...when pushed against the wall using tactics is not bad after all. One has to do it when direct things won't work. You are lucky that now your dh is supporting you. Not always they do dear even when you are living separately from pils. What will you do then? fight with your dh as well? Stop pils and sil at the peril of your own family???? It does not always makes sense.
the main thing is your intention should not b bad i.e to hurt others intentionally or doing things out of jealousy or for your own vested interest or in order to exploit others. If one is not doing so, and is taking help of indirect ways just to prevent others from exploiting her, its completely ok. Even God forgives such acts i think.

 

Come on... I have been in many of the victims shoes in the past. No need to explain in detail about the pains and issues one need to go through in such a dysfunctional family. Even my H was a momma's boy in the past. Its just been 6 years since we are married. So, everything still stays in my mind as fresh as a new born's skin.

The tactics to pressurize your in laws to make them uncomfortable at your house in order to prevent their frequent visit can be okay if you are indeed expressed your views openly, discussed this with your H clearly and there is no other ways to move on. I agree with your stand. Because you need a survival mechanism after all.

However, if the tactics are used in order to prove your H that you are clean thus wholeheartedly welcome your in laws to your house. So that he loves you. However, you in fact make their stay inconvenient by hidden means. Here your DH foolishly trusts you without knowing your hidden plans. That's not fair my dear.

Here your H is being fooled by 2 parties (you and in laws).

I don't see any major difference from evil MILs who show 2 faces to their sons. I.e pretend to me so nice with DIL when son is around, and taunt the DIL when she is alone in order to make her uncomfortable.

 

Been there, done that. My ILs used to live with us in OUR HOME. They wanted their DDs to visit every day. When I objected, the objection was dismissed as 'what rubbish'. The SILs continued to visit everyday.
What do you do then?

 

Even if the DH is supportive, what can he do if his parents refuse to compromise?

 

After 105 posts, looks like there is no solution in sight.

Let me give the martian perspective for reducing SILs visits.

Stop going to your brother's place. His wife's SIL visit will get reduced.

Charity begins at home. Do unto others, what you would like others do unto you. :cheers

 

SGBV

DDs has the right to come and stay with their parent home where they had been born and raised up for a very long period of time. But here OP's situation is different as she said that her SIL is making her life hell means that there is something that is troubling her. SIL has got no right to do anything that will make the DIL feel that she should reduce her duration of visits at her mothers place. When a girl gets married and come to her husband's house that house belong to DIL more than anyone who had been staying there for no matter how long. More over any girl should have the capability to think and understand this and behave accordingly. Here SIL is not understanding that she is losing her values at her mothers place by coming frequently and staying for longer durations. Even the husband may be finding it irritating but considering her sister one cannot say openly. So here a wise behaviour from her side is very much required for maintaining the relationships among all.

 

I would make every step in detail to make my husband understand my point, i.e my need for privacy and the limitations to host a visitor in our home. If my husband does not understand my view point, rather consider them as rubbish for a prolonged time... I would simply give him the damn... I mean it.

I usually give others too much of time more than what they deserve for. But once I am done, I am done. I mean it.

What is the meaning of living with a husband who values our concerns as rubbish? What guarantee is there to have him as a reasonable husband at any given time? And what is the point of being married in that state?

Here the husband is to be blamed for doing nothing, but considering our views as rubbish. Then we are to be blamed for taking it normally and allowing others to consider the same about us.

Why to blame in laws or make tricks to win this game when our own marriage is at failure? I consider it as a failure because respect is what most important to me. I have left my spouse for a short time because of lack of respect in the past. Now he learned to respect me as equal, as special and as his WIFE more importantly.

 

If I were you, I would clearly (not offensively) let my husband know the reasons behind my SIL's frequent visits. I would also make him gang up with me when it is like privacy reasons, intimacy issues due to lot of people at home, and other matters. I would tell him the same every time without complaining. I would let him understand that I am not comfortable in a place where HE wants me to live my entire life and the reasons for it. I would leave it at that.

I would treat my SIL as a visitor to my place along with many many other visitors who usually visit us (either on the same time or differently). If she demands any thing special, I would simply tell her NO (if I dont want to or can't do it).

I would tell my MIL that I need more help when additional people stay at my house. I would also take frequent rest from the chores since it might be uncomfortable to do house work when visitors are around.

I would plan some outing, dinner or a movie with my husband on the days when SIL is around. I would make it as a point for privacy. If MIL or SIL questions, I would openly tell them that as "We find it comfortable to spend a few hrs outside today". I would repeat it whenever they are around to let them know that I can find my comfort outside of the house with my H.

If your MIL and SIL learnt enough that you are happy and find ways to be happy and intimate with your H even after their disturbances, rather you make their visit as excuses to your frequent outings and romantic visits with your H, then they would eventually stop everything right away.

Do not pressurize your SIL by making her visit uncomfortable by your tacks (wrong tricks), but make it positively to bond further with your H (morally right) at the same time irritate them (thus they will be uncomfortable). It works... Have hopes and start afresh from this new year. Happy and blessed new year