Kanyadaan should stop??

That is so true. My parents too kept asking me if I was sure after I had said alright to the guy. There were some unusual decisions I took about that match through a matrimonial columns in the newspaper and they kept quizzing me if I was willing to accept the circumstances mentioned and said I should not blame them for not warning me in advance; but when I said I was fine, they accepted my decision, though they might not have been totally comfortable.

 

I was warned about my mil being hitler...I still said yes ,safe in the knowledge that I would not be living with her.Inspite of this,my parents were very supportive when I had mil problems.I have to give them top marks for that.I guess that is what we as parents can do...support ,no matter what.

 

My earlier post was also meant for those who may base their views on India and it's general familial system based solely on opinions expressed in this sub-forum.

 

We as indian parents groom the child with a lot of sacrifices, more than an average western parent, go out of our way to give them so much love, affection train them for the rigorous exams and make them top in everything.how come when they attain marriagable age they conveniently adopt the western culture of independence. we support their financial expenses for education also. It is not that indian parents are controlling but when we do something beyond our means it is also natural to expect something in return atleast a decent and reputable life in society in return for all our efforts. Should parents be martyrs. I thought this might be the perspective of the indian parents. ofcourse the children did not ask for these but atleast they should understand the value of what they have received from their parents. Gratitude is just a basic virtue.

 

Oh yes, Indian parents definitely do a lot for their children...this concept of 'attachment parenting' that Indian parents have been following for ages, this concept is now gaining ground all over the world as well, and for a reason.
Indian offsprings are overtly expressive of their love for parents. Nothing wrong in it. That's what a lot of parents around the world now aspire to achieve.

 

I have of course a very limited (and biased) view but when for example looking at my daughters they do everything for their children. Or most of the parents that I know. Of course there are always families where parenthood not functioning well and usually because of sickness, addictions or other problems like that. I never thought that I am doing any sacrifices when caring for my children. It was actually quite a selfish thing to get children and enjoy their childhood. (If you would have asked me this after staying awake for 5 nights caring for them when they were sick my answer may have been different ).

I do not feel that children should be grateful for what they parents have done. The children did not ask for it and the parents made the decision to have children.

I love my children and want them to have a happy life. I want them to have an education in a field they will like and thrive. I want them to have a spouse with whom they can live a happy life.

I still have one more to go (my youngest is soon 10 years old) and then I am done with my responsibilities. Then I can lay back and enjoy life - spending some quality time with my grandkids now and then. Enjoying my adult childrens success and listening to their problems (but not get too involved).

 

There is a huge percentage of Indian parents who do & wish for pretty much what you have described in your post above. Extremisms (e.g. in parenting) exist everywhere in the world, not just in India.

 

My daughter was married when getting pregnant but that was not the main issue. My concern was that her spouse was from another country and they got married very fast (because of his visa issues). In the end the concerns I had were different than what actually happened. He got sick and committed suicide a few weeks after their youngest were born.

The expectation is also in here that marriage is for life. But would I do a better job than my daughters? I doubt it. My husband was a MIL:s dream but he turned out to be dominant and violent. My younger daughters boyfriend was also a MIL dream (educated, swedish speaking etc) but later he turned out to be a disaster. I was not so thrilled with my older daughters second husband but later my heart melted when I saw how great stepfather he is with my grandchildren. I think my older daughter learned from her mistake, she was very careful when selecting her next husband.

 

If you don't mind can you let me know how is life inFinland
d .
how is your elementary school system , do you need to fund it or govt provides like in Us .when did your children move out .. How did they earn their living ,did you fund thier university education or did they take loan or it is govt funded ?
what if some one does not have a job , what happens to that person .
when you retire , will you get any pension or do you have to take care of yourself .
what about medical in Finland , is it private or provided by govt or insurance ? How do people take care of elders who are not physically able to take care of themselves ?

 

The elementary school is mandatory and funded by the government. There are some private schools but mainly some special purpose schools (like international schools). My children work part time, take student aid/loan for education, universities are free (but you have to fund your living expenses). To some extent myself and the childrens father fund the education.

If you are unemployed (and do not have an earning spouse) you will get unemployment "aid". If you belong to the union (and have payed the fees) you can get about 50% of your salary as unemployment aid. If you do not you can get the government paid aid that cover the bare minimum living costs.

When working you pay a mandatory pension fee and when you retire you will get a pension. Some people also choose to invest in private pension funds. Health care is provided by government but also by employers and insurance/privately funded.

When you get elder you can get a government paid nurse service (bringing meals, checking, cleaning etc) and staying at home. If you are not able anymore to cope at home there are homes for elderly, both privately owned and public run. Some relatives (adult children, spouses, siblings) may also choose to act as a caretaker.