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In a bit of a dilemma

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by chipmunk, Nov 29, 2014.

  1. chipmunk

    chipmunk Senior IL'ite

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    Hello there readers,

    Am in a slightly tricky situation here, to do with gift giving and protocol etc. I Hate that this is going to sound crass and petty but I don't know how else to put it.

    DH and I got married last year. We are both of an age, it's my second time, and so we didn't really follow tradition with the wedding (by that I mean no big ceremony or reception, none of the usual stuff). Our parents know each other (dads more so than the mothers) and all this was with their blessing. Soon after we got married, the MIL expressed her disapproval at DH not receiving any gifts from my folks. I managed to brush it off and we did let them know when my parents gifted a hefty sum of money to us as a wedding gift.

    Now. Both sets of parents recently met up and my mum had got MIL a sari. This was met with the usual 'oh you shouldn't have, I never wear them these days', which is partly true, so fair enough. It was followed however, by 'if you want to gift something, get my son something instead'. It sounds to me that she is probably still miffed:) For the record, they did get me a simple jewellery set.

    This is my problem - we are both financially independent, mature adults. My parents can well afford to get watches or jewellery (I think that's the sort of thing MIL has in mind), and DH neither expects nor wants such stuff (he hasn't got a clue about this btw). I just find it humiliating that the expectation from my parents is still there just because they happen to be the parents of the woman. Plus I don't really want them spending silly money on people when it's not necessary and in their retirement. This is only to make MIL happy, has nothing to do with DH, IMO. I will never understand the sense of entitlement some people have.

    Do I:
    a) ignore the whole silly episode
    b) get something myself for DH and say it's from my folks
    c) just let them gift something, it's not that big a deal

    Thanks.
     
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  2. lilypad

    lilypad Silver IL'ite

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    I understand it's not about the gifts per se but the principle. I would inform my DH about this ... And the next time this kind of passive aggressive remark about gifts comes up ask him to state clearly , in front of everyone, that he does not want or expect any gifts .
     
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  3. Romantic2014

    Romantic2014 Bronze IL'ite

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    Your MILs words appear a little strange in view of the fact that it is your second and she has accpted it. If the person could be accepted without hard feelings how can some material gifts mattered? May be she accepted the marriage as she found it necessary or unstoppbale or useful also, but could not fully accept dispensation of all rituals etc. In such a situation, I don't think only gifts cannot assuage her . It is useless to try to placate her this way. Gifts will be useless expenses unless the materials are really required. Better to ignore her hints and go in your own way.Take your DH into confidence as he matters to you more.
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Well, all your mum had to do was take back the sari, and say, "OK, I'll give this to your son."
     
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  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I second both the replies.Let dh know and ask him what should be done.
    If he feels it is better to ignore...then just ignore and let her keep hinting. She will give up. If he wants to stop her...he will find a way.
     
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  6. pantu

    pantu Gold IL'ite

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    Tell your husband the story. He will decide what to do. Ignore these silly things .
     
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  7. CrayoNess

    CrayoNess Platinum IL'ite

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    Ignore the whole thing. It is your MILs problems, not yours or your parents.
     
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  8. coolwinds

    coolwinds Platinum IL'ite

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    i am going to go against the grain and say that it's surprising your folks did not gift their SIL something, it does not have to be expensive jewelry or watches. just a thoughtful gift for him on the happy occasion of your wedding. it's a second for you but a first for them, so she might be going per protocol.

    how is she generally?
     
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  9. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    It is a normal tradition, as long as MIL is not overly expecting anything crazy, she is prolly just following up on it as a normal practice (as long as it is a reasonably simple expectation, and nothing crazy).
     
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  10. chipmunk

    chipmunk Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you all, for your responses. It is a relatively trivial issue but I knew it would keep nagging at me, hence my post here.

    @coolwinds and ragini25 - agree that it is the norm in our society. It's not that they didn't want to gift anything, but DH kept saying he didn't want anything when asked (I suspect my dad didn't give this the usual formal treatment since he knows my FIL since their bachelor days, and knows DH too, although not that well. Prolly a bit naive of him, in retrospect). I suppose my mistake was in thinking that since we didn't follow any of the other norms, this one wouldn't matter either :)

    We've now discussed it (DH guessed straightaway that his mother had said something), and have decided to just accept something reasonable to keep the elders happy. That way my folks won't feel awkward and maybe MIL will be appeased. If she isn't, then unfortunately that is her problem. She is ok as MILs go, so it would be a real shame if this became a big issue in her mind.

    Thanks once again gain for taking the time to respond.
    P.S. How do I close this thread please? Couldn't find it in the FAQs
     
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