Need advice on important topic - may help others in similar situations

My DH didn't want kids either. He didn't have very strong views against having kids tho. And I needed treatment to have kids. He couldn't see me unhappy and cooperated. Now we have 2 and he can't live without them.
Also kids are expensive, time consuming, needy and lots of hard work. Don't have kids until both of you are willing to put in tremendous time and hardwork not just for 18 years but a lot further down the line. Coz you will have to care for the kid even though he will be an adult. That's what all parents do. Don't come under any society pressure. In the end, it's your joy, your responsibility. All the best!

 

Tragic for whom? Both have moved on and are totally happy in their lives. They are still friends and in touch to date. Her kids call him uncle. I think it is a very civilized and sane solution to a tough problem.

 

I know of a couple (in their late 40s now) who preferred not to have kids. He is a busy engineer and she is a doctor, They were very happy initially with lots of friends, good money for great vacations, no responsibility, lots of time to pursue their hobbies, they traveled a lot, very less interference/ family pressures... they were in their own world. But.. after they crossed 40, both of them started feeling lonely. The woman openly showed her sadness/ loneliness, and the man was also too much into his own world. She spoke her heart out and requested to go ahead and try for a kid but he was reluctant. Still they are a couple, but, they lead separate lives at home. She doesnt work anymore because she has lost the purpose of her life (quoting her). They still attend family functions and all together... but.. quite disconnected from each other.

OP, your wife may not show resentment.. but.. if one fine day she requests, would you be happy to give in?

 

which one is it?

 

One of my friends were like you, not to keen to have kids but ultimately last year they did have a kid. When they started their married life they were sure they did not want kids, kept postponing it citing career reasons, settling down etc etc. Over the years my friend (the wife) felt like having a kid, her maternal instincts kicked in.

Even I too would like to ask you "If one day your wife feels like having a kid, what will be your reply, would you consider it for her? "

 

Dear OP ,

I do think that if one of the parents has doubts about whether they want a kid, then its best to NOT have kids.

If you dont have kids, your wife may be unhappy, resentful , but shes an adult and hopefully will eventually make her peace with it. I mean there are many people who want kids but find out they they cant have them.. eventually they learn to make peace with it and find other goals and sources of joy.

But on the other hand , if you do , then you will have a child in the equation. Kids need both loving and deidacted parents, who will willingly make the scarifices that it takes to raise them. They are sensitive and I think can sense if you even in the slightest feel resentment towards them. I think this is a far worse and more damaging scenario.

Sorry that I am not from target audience , but still wanted to contribute.

 

Hi op,

I was also never much into kids.
we just postponed to have kids, till we can't postpone anymore, I.e till late 30's.

We enjoyed life the way we wanted, good jobs for both, hobbies, travel, has a relaxed life style. But materialistically we will reach a saturation point, it won't give any happiness/fulfillment after certain time, even between husband and wife, the bond or love won't be that exciting with out new things individually or together happening in life. Like love is drying up. That is what happened to me.

Especially after 40's as said by others, Unless u have very great passion towards some hobby or some great work u want to do like social work.

Do u have any specific reason, not to want kids?
You mentioned you affectionate towards ur parents and siblings, do u think if u have kids u can't give much love toyour parents ?

We now have a kid, and the all busy , hectic , sleeplessness life the kid brings is definitely worth it, as it is associated with love.

 

Im not your target group but thought about replying as i know someone who is very closely. This lady too didnt discussed the topic with her husband before marriage. They are now in their late 50s or early 60s, even she never got really noisy about her wish as she didnt want to loose him it left a big hole in her life. He now bought her pets and they travel all arround but that is not the same as what she sees what other ladies have who now become grandmothers and share close relationships to their grown up children. They complain they have no "real" family anymore as their parents passed away and their sibblings are busy with their children and grandchildren. Just imagine such a scenario for your future...

Another point is that on other poster mentiond its better to not have children if one part doesnt fully hearted want it. That is absolutely right and i couldnt agree more as to become a parent is the biggest decission in life and a life long commitment. If you dont want to have a child you wont be a good father and wont have the best impact on your child, i dont mean to be rude but thats simply sadly true.... rejected kids suffer.
I dont agree that your wife will come over it like women who can not have children due to physical reasons do. First i dont think all them do just overcome it and go on. And moreover your wife is in fact able to give birth which is a complete different situation.

 

Its a very common problem with men.women are emotional and have a lot of love to give.your opinion will change once you have kids.its a joy that is unexplainable.it is a life change and exhausting at times when they are little .its a challenging job to be a parent but the most fulfilling.once you hold your kid in your arms the thought process changes.my husband also went through the same thing.