Dilemma

Do you have some cash stashed away for future emergencies? I would suggest you start putting aside some money on a regular basis to take care of your/parents' need. If husband helps in caring for them, fine. If not, use this money. Save some money without any one's knowledge. Open an account in your name. Invest in RD/FD schemes for 5 years, you can get interest on it.

 

Why would everybody complain only and only about their ILs and only one word for sons - submissive son. that's it?

 

Pokemon, first of all take care of your health and focus on it. Don't take things to heart. Also, remember that FIL is living with you as he knows very well that you are taking good care of him. My grandfather was like your FIL to my mom. But even with 4 sons, he used to stay at our house only as he liked the way my mom treated him. None of the other son or their wives treated him good.

So don't worry about what drama he does or says or taunts (i know it is really hard But some people are sheikhchilli, trying to cut the branch that supports them).

Whenever you are ok in health, just cook more and store it in the fridge. Get some ready made stuff or Gits packets and store them in fridge so that it is easy to cook. Don't tell him that it is cooked before or it is from Gits. Spend time with outside as much as possible. Send him to walk at nearby parks daily for a few hours. Finally, ask your DH to serve him and you be in your room. Just avoid being in front of him as much as possible.

If possible, don't plan to go back to India. For FIL, see if you can arrange a place near to his sibling.

 

OP,

Like others have said no one can help you until you help yourself.

Here is my story… My in laws live with me now for almost 15yrs and in their 80’s. I have an alright relationship with them (better than other two co-sis) and in general they are good people no doubt. But like most girls nowadays I would honestly love a nuclear family with parents or in laws not in the same house with me in such a permanent stage. No choice there now.

I used to also think like you, that I cannot talk back as being elders and all as it’s not my nature… but at some point I realized what is anyone going to do if I diplomatically convey my point to in laws when something they are doing is affecting me. What will my husband do? Divorce me? No absolutely not. Nor will he interfere. What will my bils/co-sis, or sil do? nothing because I can win the argument that hey I am already having them live with me, vacation with me etc for so many years what have you done? So no one rocks the boat because of the consequences I will bring about. I realized I have some power too in controlling the situation the way I want even if its not 100% satisfactory.

A few years ago when my fil started fussing about food despite my best effort in planning on weekends (used drive myself crazy going to different grocery store to make the best chicken curry etc) to please the palates of three generations I slowly backed out (after they came back from vacation) of making food geared towards parents in general. I would make food, but never to their preference, just general something to fill tummy, never in big quantities and mostly geared to kids preference. I would also state that dd/ds asked for this food so I made it today. If fil complained saying don’t want I would say too bad such a bad dil na..but your other dil makes great food and smile. If he didn’t like he would eat bread toast for dinner and I didn’t care anymore and kept having normal dinner conversation. my DH knew his fathers food fussing nature would not say a word. If my mil wanted to cater to him then so be it. Eventually he got the idea (it took time), and now no expectation and when I do make something special for him, I say specifically I made this for your dad and he appreciates. I really wanted to get out of cooking to please them mode and I did.

This year when my mom also came to stay with me, initially fil would make faces at what she made (not in front of her) and I told him without any anger….that my mom made this food with no expectation of anything back, she doesn’t have to do it yet she did thinking you would like but before you even taste you are making faces. I told him I felt very bad at his behavior. He understood and later thanked my mom for her effort. If I had not spoken up he would never have made an effort to change right.

So see if you can do the same...if you fil is going to be a permanent fixture, you have to set the expectation from day one next time he comes. You already know you bil/cosis does not want to manage so use that knowledge to control your fil too. Tell him, if he is not happy with the one dil who is trying to take care of him then where will he go?

 

OP,

There are only two options I can see here. Either you can keep putting up with FIL/DH's demands, and keep feeling bad for giving in every time. Or, you can do as you please, and let them adjust for a change.

You can also reply back in a pleasant way. Don't be nasty or disrespectful. You don't have to start a fight with FIL. Deal with each situation as it comes up.

Start talking back for the small things that FIL does wrong. Slowly, tackle the bigger issues. Limit your interaction with FIL to the bare minimum. The point is don't accept any bad - mouthing from FIL. You deserve much better, if you leave your home, and move in to take care of him. Don't be so scared of FIL, and even if you are, don't show him you are scared of him. You are an adult. He is an adult. Treat him as an equal. Don't give him so much power over yourself.

Your parents and FIL situation is not the same. FIL is abusive to you. You are within your rights to refuse to undergo further abusive situations. Same is not true for your parents. I am guessing they do not abuse you/DH. Point that out to DH, when this issue of taking care of your parents arises. These two situations are completely different. No point in comparing the two.