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Need Help...Mother-in-law wants sit always in front seat next to my husband

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by pandu1, Sep 3, 2014.

  1. pandu1

    pandu1 Senior IL'ite

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    Thaks Roar. Me and my husband had the conversation about this and told him lot of times that i am not feeling comfortable to sit with FIL.. but he questions back what is wrong with that.? I told him that we did not come from the culture to move closely with the FIL and regardless of culture personally also I dont like it.. But seems like he also enjoys his mom sitting next him as they love to talk together 24/7.
    However there was a situation when he had to drop off my mother somewhere .. and he asked me to come also at that time.. as he did not want to go alone with my mom... but why these men dont understand wife also feel the same thing..
     
  2. Roar

    Roar Gold IL'ite

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    I think he knows what you mean..but just brushing it off as a 'yes' to you means a 'no' to the mom in this situation. 2 options: either drop off the trips or you drive and ask your fil to sit next to you(front seats are separate) and ask your DH and mil to sit back.
     
  3. Lady1

    Lady1 Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Pandu1, thirty years ago when my then alive mother in law visited us long term, I encountered the same problem. Now, I feel those things are quite insignificant in the larger realm of life. However, it will seem big to you, now.

    You must feel good at any time in life around various people, not just family,and the first prerequisite, is to be comfortable yourself as well as making sure the other close relatives that you are living with also are.

    Issues like this are insignificant where all people concerned are decent and generally loving and accommodating. Your father in law may express a similar desire where a daughter is concerned. These things become bigger nuisances when done to spite another, to establish hierarchies and precedents, etc., rather than to enjoy closeness in short visits.

    1. Ask her why she naturally sits in that seat, every single time, where you used to sit before she started visiting you. However, imagine as though you are talking with your own mother when you dare ask her these probing questions, because then they will become naturally softened, kind, and gentle, eliciting a naturally kindlier response as well. Find out beyond wanting to be close and talk exclusively with her son, is there any other good reason such as comfort necessitated by a bigger size of body or knee injury, etc., and if so, accommodate but set limits like on alternate trips. On your turns, she can have your front seat pushed a little further front or, not go at all.

    When traveling together, try and join in the conversations, drawing in your father in law also by asking his opinion etc, even if clearly it doesn't particularly invite you in...just to keep them civil to the others present.

    2. Suggest to your husband a weekly outing for just the two of you to one of your favorite places. Promise to be pleasant, demonstrate it and keep it to not more than one to two hours. Tell him in private that this is very important for the health of your marriage, especially when other vested close relatives visit.

    3. If you drive, offer to drive and let your husband sit in the front seat beside you once or twice. Sitting in the front seat before anyone enters the car may actually demonstrate what you want but may seem as petty as what you see her action as, to all, including yourself, later.

    Rising above, being warm and loving and not being afraid to ask for help in the fulfillment of your genuine needs in a pleasant manner will make you a winner in any situation.

    Hope this helps.
     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2014
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  4. la2014

    la2014 Senior IL'ite

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    Are people still worrying for such petty things?
    Let her have the front seat, you are with your husband now, but she is not, atleast when she's around for those short visits, one should give those Old folks that simple pleasures.
    It shows one's insecurity. Normally its the other way round - MIL's the older generation tend to be very insecured, because of their lack of education, unexposed to the real world etc.
    But as a women of the current generation, I can't believe people feel this way. You focus should be your current family - husband, kids, work, current life situations. Our Inlaws are something very temporary, issues concerning them should be pushed aside as something which shouldn't affect your life, since you have other important priorities in life. It only can be regarded as a nuisance and nothing more than that. Just brush it off and move on with your other priorities. I did not mean just for the car seats, but in general - I know they can cause many issues. Take it light.

    Let a son and mother have their moment. Don't expect a Moment between a MIL & DIL.
    Same goes for us. We don't reallt feel the same way for our MIL's the way we feel for our MOM's. So its all fair and square. Learn how to brush it off and IGNORE. Once they leave your house, or the worst.....! You will regret it, atleast a tiny bit. Let others do the "wrong", you can't control it, but what you can control is yourself.

    What is wrong in sitting beside your FIL? You are sitting in a car - I'm sure there is enough space - its not like you would be rubbing shoulders - you might come from a village background, but NOW you're not in a village you need to change your attitude!!!


    FYI - When my laws were here - I will let my husband spent the entire time with them, watch their favorite program, movie together and I will go to my room and watch my own stuff which I liked. My husband and I were not even talking for 5 minutes during that time. Full attention was given to his parents. But guess what - I was extremely happy for him. Not that my inlaws were the greatest and nicest people on earth, but I did not care for them, I cared for my husband and wanted him to be happy.

    These kinds of things will put a lasting dent in your relationship - husband & wife relationship.

    I know so many ladies, when their moms come, the moms will be confined in rooms when the husband/son in law comes after work. They only feel at home in the absence of their son in laws - that is all torture. We have come a long way in civilization.
    Don't let your inlaws feel they can be only happy in your absense!!! Again that means you are torturing them! Don't be that women.


    Sorry for being harsh - its not just meant for you but meant for all the ladies who take MIL's issues way too seriously till they get depressed and fall sick and in turn create a nightmare for everybody surrounding them.

    Concentrate on your kids! Learn how to ignore.
     
    Last edited: Oct 31, 2014
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  5. nb25

    nb25 Gold IL'ite

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    Pandu,

    It is not wrong for the wife to feel left out in these situations. I think the MIL has trouble acknowledging your husband - wife relationship. She may be overly possessive of her son. You being the wife, should sit next to DH. Either MIL does not recognize this, or is doing it deliberately.

    Next time you are going out and MIL goes to sit next to DH, just act like you were going to sit there. Say in a friendly manner, "Its ok, MIL. You go ahead and sit next to DH this time." She will understand that she may not sit next to DH next time. By doing this you are letting MIL know you are sacrificing your wifely right for MIL this time, and will not do it next time. After doing this once, next time, just go and sit in front beside your DH as if it is the most normal thing to do.

    However, I don't think you should bother about the fact that she didn't go in your car. It is her wish to be with her son. Do not get hurt thinking why she didn't go with you. MILs can do worse things than this. Don't worry about it.

    If DH and ILs really wanted you to go with them, they would have asked you. Maybe you can go out with DH some other time, leaving your baby in IL's care. Just tell DH you want to go out with him for a while.

    Don't get upset that DH is paying more attention to MIL. He sees her after long intervals of time. Just do your thing. Take time out for yourself. If possible, join their conversation. You could talk to FIL during this time, if you feel ignored.
     
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  6. indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    OMG! Fantastic. well said!:hatsoff This should be the best post here!
     
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  7. persecutedDIL

    persecutedDIL Gold IL'ite

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    In some cultures like ours, distance is to be maintained between FIL and DIL. If FIL is also on such a trip, it means that the FIL will be sitting next to DIL. Therefore, it would not be okay with me if MIL sits in the front seat.
     
  8. la2014

    la2014 Senior IL'ite

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    If its in Movie theater we can't at-least understand, it would be uncomfortable for Fil & Dil's to side side by side. Same with in sofa/couch at home.

    But come on....this is a CAR that we are talking about. There would be enough space in the center to fit another person, if its empty.

    These are times where there are wonderful Dil's caring for their sick Fil's in bed feeding them sitting beside them and rubbing medications, holding them if they look about to faint during their sick stages. Thats call Humanity.

    Don't taint the word Culture in the name of "our Indian culture" and spoil our community's name.
    Those traditions were invented before the arrival of modern vehicles, cars. Things have changed now. If you don't want to change then ride bullock carts and take 2 separate bullock carts - one for you and the other for Men.

    You know deep down whats the real issue is - You hate your Inlaws and these are just excuses!!!

    Pandu - I did not mean you, There are quite a few who talk this way and I meant in general for such people. You sound childish (you might be really very young) maybe time will make you see things differently.
     
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2014
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  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    la2014...There are a ton of reasons why Indian dils have problems with their mils and most of them are justified.

    Look around and read some threads on how a lot of dils are tormented for just the reason that they happened to marry her son.Most dils just bear with these overbearing ,possessive and controlling mils with no end in sight as they have little support from the husband.

    The bigger issues have to be tolerated because there is no way around them....but sometimes these little issues like the car seat, become like the thorn in the flesh.
    Not big enough to cause much harm......but it irritates and torments.
    The car seat is not really a car seat....it represents much more than that.It represents the invisibility of the Indian dil in her life around the in laws.It may not effect some as much......and it may effects others more.If some people have bigger aims and bigger goals...good for them.Some are struggling with smaller issues....like the car seat or just 10 minutes of alone time with the life partners.

    Such issues would not arise if mils were a little more respectful of the dils place in their husband's life.Such issues would not arise if mils were a little more mindful of the dils feelings.Just my two cents.
     
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2014
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  10. la2014

    la2014 Senior IL'ite

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    Exactly my point YELLOWMANGO.
    Car seat is not the issue here. Its the Inlaws.

    I Never denied that Inlaws may cause many problems. Thats a well known FACT.
    All I'm saying is, learn how to IGNORE - take it light, don't view those old people as your competitor, and ruin your life and others.

    Why simply conceal the real issue and cover it up in the name of CULTURE.
    Inlaws were from the same culture, how is that the fil and mil coming from an older generation doesn't see it as a culture thing, but the much younger generation is even more Conservative?

    Instead be bold and one should come out and say - My inlaws caused me a lot of pain and suffering, I hate my inlaws, I have problem facing them or sitting beside them...how do I overcome this situation? Something like that would be a better question here! Why beat around the bush?
     

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