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Qualities in a Girl, I finally thought of....and Zeroed in

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Venu99, Oct 24, 2014.

  1. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Something you should know is this. People change all the time.

    I used to be extremely spiritual and had this thing about living only in India when I was in my late teens and early twenties. Once I got married things changed. You see, women aren't treated fairly enough very often. Now I don't want to go back ever and live in India; I'm still a theist but am bordering on being agnostic. While earlier I never used to be fussed about money, the fear of future and anxiety about financial security gripped me for a while when friends started buying houses and my husband and I barely had enough money end of the month despite living with his parents.

    I changed. My husband changed. Now we are extremely different people with likes and dislikes which have nothing to do with our 25 year old selves! And I must say we are much happier too.

    While it is important for your basic requirements to be in sync, it is equally important to not cling on to them as you carry on with life. It is entirely possible that either of you change your views when you go through different experiences. So it is important to be open to changes, learn to agree to disagree, while being accepting of these changes.

    Do do I make any sense?
     
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  2. nandita24

    nandita24 Gold IL'ite

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    In earlier times the wife was expected (and she did) to take a back seat in her married life. So in a way family life was more conducive.

    Times have changed since then. But most women still do adjust to the eccentricities of their husbands.

    If you fall in love you go blind and later on many blemishes become glaring causes of unhappy relationships.

    If you are logical, you can miss out on very important points that really matter.

    The important issue, however is, that both parties must enter a relationship to "Accept, Adjust and Appreciate" each other come what may and make the marriage work at any cost.

    There is no system (other than normal criteria) to choose a perfect or near-perfect mate. They just happen. And you are just fortunate if you find great fulfillment in your marriage
     
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Like other posters said, having criteria is fine, but people change.

    Here's one suggestion given long time ago to another single male on the mission to enter matrimony - choose about 10 threads from Relationship forum, and discuss with the girls. Those are real life problems, and how she reacts to them will give you an idea of her personality. Even if she gives a politically correct answer, it will be hard to hide true nature over 10 threads.

    Putting it another way, after reading a member's response in 10 threads, one can fairly predict what the member will say in 11th thread. The member can be yellowmango, guesshoo, Ragini, Rihana, pear, SGBV, sdiva, nandita, kanthx, FromMars, Radhai (well almost but sometimes cannot predict), Akanksha, monita (when she posts), Weasly, and all. :)
     
  4. Venu99

    Venu99 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hey,

    I loved your post pear. Thank you so much for giving a good overview of things that might occur.

    The gist of what you said as i understand, is what if things change from being constant.
    My answer: You are right, everything in life changes, every building, every road and every person. I am with you in this matter.
    But, if things are out of control any which way, then why do we pray to god at all? we pray to keep things under control? Why do we wish that we excel in an exam and do pooja? Why can't we be rational and intelligent and think that, what if there is a bandh, what if there is a bomb blast on the way? What if i get a heart attack and die on my way?
    So i agree that lot of things change and will definitely go out of scope.
    But going by the logic you said, what if i donot pray at all in the first place?
    Logically nothing will change, whatever has to happen will happen, or whatever i prayed for, in my prayer, might not happen even a little.
    Then why do i pray?....I pray because of the mental upliftment and morale boost that the prayer gives me, will help me in doing things better.

    Definitely my day with prayer is better than the same day without prayer. This i call it as hope.

    And secondly, to eloborate on materialistic things, the same thing.
    Why do we calculate so much to buy a mobile, buy a flat, but a vehicle? Why do we use human intelligence at all?
    What if the most trust worthy brand of an I6 phone, blasts in my ear making me deaf? I used my entire intelligence for 15 days to zero on it. What if my flat worth 1 crore, from L&T , the flat seller has given me fake documents. Or what if the building collapsed due to fake material. Or what if an earthquake devours it?

    Will i stop making selections, will i stop making weekend trips to various flats, will i stop searching for details in internet and will i stop having an initial plan?

    A flat will stay for 20 years, A mobile 2-3 years....Family, which is the most important thing in both a woman and a man's life why should it not have a plan?

    So things will deviate i know, and then at that moment, i use my thinking further and try to know why it is happening and if possible adjust.

    I hope there is no one , either a man or a woman who is enjoying all the heavely pleasures or idealistic home setups in the flats. They will have some or the other new problem. Noisy neighbours or drianage or something else. 2014 u might not have a problem when you chose the flat, but 2015 a new problem might crop up, and then what we do? We use our intelligence to adapt or shift .

    Thinking of all the deviations that might occur around my flat over the next 10 years, and not having an initial plan, will surely push me into further more deep troubles. Which is why i try to , or rather everyone in this entire planet tries to have an initial plan for every important change in life. Including you.

    Happy to meet u. And thanks once again for writing on this. friendssmiley
     
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  5. coolwinds

    coolwinds Platinum IL'ite

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    it's a bit difficult to take a 27 year old with a haloed tweety bird or duck as his avatar pic, seriously. suggests some growing up yet to be done.

    you seem to be an earnest fellow though, so here are my thoughts. it's perfectly fine to have a set of criteria when selecting your future spouse. just remember she also has her ideas and expectations. this is how i look at it

    compatibility- this is so important because it's the little things that really matter. stuff like girl is a neatnik- boy was never taught by his Mommy to pick up after himself, boy is prudent- girl is a spendthrift, girl needs her kebabs, boy can't stomach the thought of non vegetarian food, boy is a homebody- girl is the life of the party...you get the drift.

    work-life balance- these days it is a given that both spouses will be holding jobs. men assume women will still continue to do a majority of the housework in addition to her job- this will just create resentment down the line. what are her expectations regarding how you spend time together. once you start a family, what are her thoughts about continuing with her job, do they vibe with your ideas?

    non-negotiables- matching core value systems, do you communicate well, common goals, do you both handle disagreement in similar ways, do you both want to have kids, how many and when, priorities are similar.

    deal breakers- bad habits, incompatible family backgrounds, past affairs (if important to you), traits like rigidity, lacking humor, pettiness, lack of ability to see things in a broader perspective.

    rest is all individual. in the indian context, husband plays a big role in learning to balance between his parents, siblings and wife. there will be ups and downs. you have chosen to take on the role of a husband, so be responsible, be fair, love, respect, trust and cherish your wife and you will be rewarded with a lifetime of loyal companionship and a love that grows deeper as it goes through different stages and priorities.

    all the best.
     
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  6. Venu99

    Venu99 Bronze IL'ite

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    I am beginning to understand the thing that u spoke now . Thank you so much!!
    I love the you enumerated and elaborated on each thing. Every sentence is proving to be very helpful in my context coolwinds.

    If there is one thing i value the most in a person, it is experience.And i am priviliged when you decide to share it with me. Humbled! Thank you once again!!

    friendssmiley
     
  7. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Venu, it's good that you have these things written down. Usually in arranged marriages it's very hard to get enough time to really know a person this deep. For example, I mechanically do some puja often. That does not make me spiritual. But at times I feel more connected to God while driving or while sitting in a train. So, be careful about this.

    Also, when you say you are simple minded, exactly what does that mean? You don't have to answer that to me. Think about it yourself. My definition of simplicity may be completely different from yours.

    At age 23, a girl will not have any idea how she wants to bring her children up. I am in 30s and I am still learning. Cut some slack.
    You are expecting her to be already doing something note worthy at 23. A job is a fair expectation but having achieved and/ or in the process of achieving something at that age is not a fair expectation.
    I am in 30s and I still haven't done anything note worthy. But I am still a good person and I still love my husband and child.

    Always respect her choices. You may not agree with her choice but be respectful and be reasonable. She will love her parents for the rest of her life. Always remember that. Do not expect her to treat them second hand after getting married.
    in any girls life, the biggested strength would be her husbands love and support. Make sure you give her these two in abundebce and she will love you till her last breath.
    Make sure you tell her that you will give all the love and respect and then some to her. Being simple is fine but maybe you can surprise her with a flower one in a while? Ask her what makes her happy. Be attentive and just listen. Sometimes all she needs from you is a listener (not advisor).
     
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  8. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Ym I added more!!!!!!!!!lol
     
  9. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Darn...too many spelling mistakes. Typing is phone isn't easy! And auto correct isn't helping either.
     
  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    So true.
    Op...my daughters are 16 and 18 yrs old.We both still keep wondering about how we are rating as parents.We are pretty liberal specially where academics are concerned...but I always used to worry that this was going to someday bite us on the backside.My daughter scored in the higher nineties in her boards.We almost couldn't breathe...
    My friends ask me how I made them study...I really have no answer....mostly we left them to self study with a little bit of supervision once in a while. We still don't know if we brought them up well or just got lucky to have smart ones.

    For a more balanced view...We have been called up to the principal' s office a few times to hear some stories of indiscipline too.

    Personally I wouldn't rate myself more than 6/10 ....But it is working.....at least till now.

    I have friends who are far more conscientious as parents,put in far more effort and definitely work harder at being good parents....they have their own problems with their kids.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2014
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