Is there a solution?

Adjustment not only from you, also from your wife, so talk to her, patch up, be good friends, then love, do parenting also, make life interesting. Its in your hands and until then you can play the game of life.

 

look talk to her..
u need to tell her what her behavior is acceptable or not and put some rules that u both can follow..

hire a maid for house cleaning so that it can appease ur obsession with cleanlines...

u think ur parents and grand parents are important (need pampering)... but many people dont think that way.. every one will first pamper the kids more... thats how people are.. it doesnt make them evil... deal with it...

reagrding tasks... u need to calm down and let her know what u want her to do herself... just tell her to handle it.. just say please and get her to accept the task.. nothing wrong with it.. tell her u dont have time and u appreciate her support in handling the tasks herself.... it still she says no, then just let it expire..

Cut back on the money that u give her if u think she is wasting money.. u r the provider and u need to control the money, so that it is not abused...

raising a kid,.. people will have difference of opinions.. some mught say spanking is ok, but others are absolute no-no for that.. some will just give into tantrums, some dont... so just handle ur kids in a strict way if u have the chance.. else let it be... y pull ur hair?

lastly.. take a vacation.. dont go to india or some other relative home or for bhajan programs..

take an actual vacation, go as a family.. spend some quality time,,, talk out ur issues and have some physical intimacy...

all issues that u have stated are not major ones, that one starts HATING their partner... they r just issues.. so solve them.. DONT go nuts on overthinking and breaking the relation ship...

 

1. We had fights over wedding arrangements, and my male ego (is that the right word for swabhimaan) was shattered over some financial transaction. Later over the years, my wife n her parents realised I was not after their money, but it was too late for me to forgive n forget.

It's been 10 years...time to forget and move on... esp because just like how you define your male ego as swabimaan, the girls side can give a decent name for the their side. It's not fair to hold grudge. I don't appreciate your comment of comparing girl's character and male's swabimaan. Both men & women need and care for character and swabimaan. Your comment seem to make me think that you don't care about your wife's swabimaan. Could be the reason why there is lack of intimacy.


2. We have entirely different outlook towards life. She's been raised in an environment where kids are loved and pampered very much to the extent of spoiling, whereas my upbringing was so that we love and pamper our parents and grandparents more than they pamper us. My parents pamper my grandparents and elders are the first priority in our house.

This is the first time i am actually hearing that parents and Gparents are pampered over the children of the house. I would not be able to adjust in a family similar to this. Because as mother my children comes first, over my parents, spouse or any elders of the house. Disciplining a child is different from pampering. May be you could make your wife understand the difference if she doesn't know or you could have a look closely at their relationship to figure out her mechanism of disciplining.

3. Our way of living is a complete mismatch. I believe in hardwork and simplicity, whereas she is more into shopping, spending and showoff. This is also a different family trait.

Com'on, your kids and your wife are YOUR family now. Stop thinking the family as your family when you grow up. She loves luxury what's wrong? Make a family budget allow her to splurge within that budget. Just like how you can't take her spending she may have issue with your being very frugal...

4. I want to visit my grandmom in India twice a year, as she's 80+ and there's no guarantee if I will be able to see her next. My wife was preg at a time when I raised this discussion of India visit, she said she will join me only if I book her air ticket in business class. She won't allow me to take my elder daughter with me. Finally I couldn't go because of some flat purchase issue, but it pains to know her intentions. But when her parents were hosting a bhagwat katha, she went with my daughter buying peak rate air tickets. Things like these hurt me a lot.

Did she go to India when she was pregnant? If not, you are comparing apples to oranges. You seem to be well-off, so why does it bother to book a business class ticket just for her? She seem to be reasonable within her limits at that time. No agreeing to send your elder one with you seem to be little unreasonable but again it depends on how old your daughter was at that time.


5. Now we have two amazing daughters, and it pains me to see their upbringing by my wife. Instead of raising our kids to be self sufficient independent human beings, I think, wife is into short term pleasing the kids. An example - instead of buying my daughter a chocolate because she cried, I would be happy to talk to her calmly and use other tactics(diverting attention, bad effects of more chocs etc) and finally explain to the kid that emotional blackmailing is not a good trait.

Well, mom is very lenient whereas dad is the strict one. Have seen this in many houses. In my case it has been the other way around and that's the reason we have two people for parents.
She is lenient, so what? You be the strict one who teaches them the value of hardwork and good values. You seem to be better at it.
In my home my husband has a short fuse when it comes to disciplining the child. I am more patient but if she cries while disciplining my husband can't take it. His parental love comes gushing....So, yes everybody cannot be strict and lenient at all times, and image one on each other. Do the best you can.


6. I am behaving nuts these days just so that my wife goes out and renews her passport on her own. If me as a man can do the household chores (occasional cooking, getting kids ready for school daily, cleaning and tidying up the house weekly) I do expect my partner to get involved more and ease my stress. Like plan holidays together or plan the layout of our new flat or occasionally maintain the family car.

Tell her explicitly to do the chores that you want her to do. Teach her patiently if she doesn't know don't ridicule her for her shortcomings. Personally when it comes to car maintenance i let my husband make the decision, i only take it for oil change. Not that i can't take those decisions it's just because it's natural and easy for him. Whereas when it comes for decorating the house i love to do it my way and he would ask my opinion before he wants to hang a painting or so.


7. Now our relationship has come to such an extent that I do not have any topics to talk to her rather than household chores or what to gift someone on the occasion or which restaurant to go for dinner etc (I mean, I talk only on purpose). My elder daughter is the one, to whom I talk what I want to (ofcourse things appropriate to her age). I laugh with her. I share my childhood stories with her. She's 6 already and within no time she will get busy with her studies/friends/life of her own.

I am not trying to undermine your problem here, but i guess this happens to most of us during the course of marriage at some point. Don't have topics to discuss other than chores. Don't beat yourself up on this one. Slowly see if you can find some common points in interest. If not see if you can create interest in something she does. (she can do the same too but since you posted the question I am asking you to do). My parents have political discussion as common point when they were young now they have gardening. My husband is a movie buff which i got used to now.

8. I really miss a partner as in planning the future together. Planning where we want to live (as of now, I live in London since past 4 years). I want her involvement in everyday life challenges rather than just shopping, jwellery, showoff, religion, bhagwat katha etc.

What is your everyday life challenges? I fail to understand. The ones that you mentioned are long term. To do the long term planning you need to have a present which you don't seem to have now. So get back your present before moving to future.


9. She's a housewife and still expects me to do a lot of household chores. And because I like to keep my home tidy, I do a lot of them.

Hire some help. My friend is a housewife initially out of necessity now because of choice. Her day is generally busy. and sometimes she has no outlet whatsoever and the routine makes her sad and she sulks a lot. She has two kids so her day is mostly with the kids without any adult company. Unlike many working woman where we have outlets and a healthy dose of conversations. You have to be easy on yourself and your wife.

10. I am pissed off to such an extent now that I haven't got intimate with her since last November. I do get my urges, but now her presence itself turns me off. She tried a few times, but I did't respond.

Trust me, you don't seem to have any major marital problems like most people have. You seem to have a very normal boring marriage. May be that's the reason you are so pissed. Bring some fire into the marriage. See her as your new bride do something fun just for the two of you.

I am so clueless as to where do I begin/end things now. Many nights I weep and remember my ex. I do not want a divorce - first because I love my daughters more than my happiness, second because I lack courage given the social background I come from. I must write here that I never ever felt love for her. Its just a bonding we have because of living together, and lust during the initial days. Every year from 2004 (when we got married) to 2008 we had one or other issue (like a land dispute involving my family and things going really bad, or her sister's death, or my grandpa's death), and I never got chance to think over my marriage calmly. She says she loves me, but from her behaviour I can see she needs me (for a nice luxurious life) more than love me.


Com'on, you can't keep thinking of your ex whenever you are upset. That's not fair to the relationship that you are in. It just means how weak you are. Your daughters are 50% your wife.Without her you wouldn't have gotten them. If you think of it, that daughter is the reason why she won't come with you to visit your Grandma, she had your precious cargo inside her.

Your land dispute, her sister's death or your grandpa's death are not what constitutes your marriage. They certainly do impact but not to an extend where you push your marriage to the back burner.

You just seem to be so much bothered about her luxurious life style. You must really talk this over. Also, try to understand why it bothers you. She may indeed love you.


I am quite successfull in my career, and live life on my terms. I just keep doing whatever I can do for the home and keep my daughters happy. But I miss emotional intimacy. I miss the life partner I always wanted to have. I miss the physical intimacy.

Try to live in your present put some focus on your marriage, on your wife. Leave your parents, gparents and daughters out of this equation. Focus just on the marriage. You may start to see in a different light.

Can you girls/guys put some sense into me? I want to stop thinking too much and live one day at a time. Is there a solution at all given our upbringings were so different?

Your upbringing has nothing to do with it, for God sake's you have your own children now. Dont keep blaming the previous generations for your shortcomings.

All you need is a dose of pampering from your wife. Ask her to do it to you , try to be carefree and see her as your teenage flame.

Good Luck

 

Agree with JustLikeyou,
Your major problems are.
1)Your constant emphasis on your upbringings.Stop it.You are both adults and you need to sit down and decide a how you will raise your children. No upbringing is perfect.Neither yours nor hers. Besides ....what is this need for pampering parents and grandparents. They need to be taken care of....not pampered. Children on the other hand need a bit of pampering. It is good that you both have different styles. Just work on a common goal.Make frame work for how you both will achieve it .One parent being the loving lenient type while the other discipling kind works fine. Having the same strict or lenient styles often doesn't work well in the long term.

2)Her spending....What constitutes luxury for you.? What erks you about her spending habits? Is it that she buys unnecessary things ?Is her spending coming in the way of your wish to pamper your parents? Is it that you are the sole earner and hence you want control over what is bought ?
Give her a budget that you think is right for her 'luxuries'....or encourage her to pick up a part time job to finance her luxuries.You need to realize that she is your first family now. She along with your lovely daughters are your family first. Their happiness is worth spending on (within limits).

3)You say you don't love her.....is it reasonable to expect perfect companionship with someone you don't love? Have you ever wondered if you are the perfect partner for her?Do you also think she is lamenting her life for the lack of perfect partnership.

4) Intimacy.....She is the one you have .There is no other choice ...so work on it.Don't bring up other issues into it. If having no issues was a precondition for intimacy....very few couples would be indulging in intimacy. Your life style issues are just that.Don't mix them up with emotional and physical needs.Do something to initiate the spark.You don't have to be in love or completely compatible to have physical and emotional closeness.Hugs often.Hug as a couple and as a family.

Do things together as a family. Your daughters are the strongest bond between you. Use them to bridge the gap. Find couple time within this family time. Daughters love to see their parents close(unlike sons who might sometimes be embarrassed by show of love between parents). You both having a good working relationship is something they will take with them in life.

Best wishes.

 

1 .Are you familiar with the word "Dowry" in indian context or its a foreign term that needs explanation for you.If the brides family is not careful during marriage they stand to lose everything they own and a fair life time debt on thier head .Only after understanding the SIL they relax thier stance.Its not fair on your part to hold grudge towards thier precaution.(they dont know you ).

2.Elders are cared respected and given first preference in decision making .But this is the first time i hear about pampering elders.You are close to your granny as she disciplined you or pampered you? .
In india care and disciplining is done by parents whereas pampering is done by grandparents .In a nuclear family with no grand parents around pampering also needs to be done by parents.
Looking down on the upbringing of others tells more about your lack of flexibility.


3.Instead of complaining why cant you make use of both family values.Thinking your family traits as superior and hers as trash is the root of your peaceless mind.Start appreciating your wifes fun qualities.Its not money all along in your life.

4.You care about your granny ,thats good.What about your pregnant wife with your child inside her womb.Are you sure you cared for thier safety? Its not advisable to do long distance flight travel during pregnancy.
In her place i would have refused point blank and your poor wife agreed to come if you take care of her pregnant status.And you were not ready to make allowance for her and think that she was unreasonable and fussy.
No mother with a young small child will send them long distance.Sending a female child comes with a set of difficulties (eg. using public toilets where a male companion cant enter)
How do you think its reasonable to just to visit your granny and unreasonable for your wife to visit an occasion (from her point of view).Every individual is entitled to fix the importance.You dont consider anything imp even your wifes pregnancy unless its your imp from your point of view.

5.Your kids are barely 6 .In every home there is strict parent and a pampering one.Instead of asking her to be a strict parent be a strict parent yourself and let her do the pampering bit.
You are bothered about the child having choc or selecting an expensive one?Your wife approved it and you didnt approve it that let to the child crying?If thats the case the fault lies with both the parents as they failed to show togetherness before the child.The price of the choc is okay if shopping with mom and unreasonable when shopping with dad is too much to adjust for your small daughter.
If the child is always unreasonable in her demands then its high time parents sit to nibbling that habit instead of blame game.

6.You come across from your writing as a person who wants to do things in your own particular way .If you want your wife to participate ,you need to be flexible to her plans.Expecting her to plan trips according to your preference in your own way is not practical.To plan holidays she needs to consult you for the dates and no of days and needs to work around your comforts.So practically you need to start the process.
Instead of expecting her to do things ,calmly tell her things she needs to do on her own.If she doesnt know driving encourage her to learn and be independent(using public transport with 2 kids is difficult).

7.Having a good relationship with a 6 year old is not difficult.You need to be more accommodating to have a pleasant relationship with an adult.For a starter you could discuss about lite topics thats of common interest .Search for a common ground instead of listing out your differences.

8.Treating your relationship as partnership is a positive sign.Sit down with her to discuss what each of you want to do and decide your direction and things you need to do as life partners.List down each others duties and plan with practicality .Listen to her difficulties if any and arrive at a solution.Its way better than blame game. Allot a budget for her personal purchases and avoid making comments on her spendings within that budget.

Everybody is entitled to have thier own interests --to dress well,being fashionable,wearing pretty jewellery,being religious .Just because she married you she need not erase all her lifes pleasure to replace with your ideology.

9. If your expectation is high you need to bridge the gap.Its not easy to live with a person who is hard to please and faults everything including your train of thoughts .

10. Physical intimacy in a marriage has an devilish way of spreading up its wings in other parts of the marriage.A good intimacy bet couples make way for easy forgiving and tolerance bet each other.

You mentioned something about your neighbour's wives using you as an example.Any H helping in housework is portrayed an example to make use on thier H .Dont take such titles seriously.

They wont use you as an example if they know how you treat your wife as a free loader and grudge every single thing she buys for herself and every single min she spends for herself.No woman will enjoy living with a loveless husband who thinks her very appearance turns him off and deprives her of intimacy.A husband who wont see to her well being even when she is carrying his child.(i still remember my pregnancy stage when my H treasured me and pampered me like a queen ,our car used to move at 20 km to avoid unnecessary strain for me or the child and anything i wished to eat will appear before me at a moments notice)

Your problem is you think yourself as too perfect and think you are superior to your wife in every possible way.According to you all the fault in the lack of perfection in your marriage lies with your wife and her upbringing.You think you are a perfect H married to a unworthy trash wife.

For you all she does is not upto the mark----- housework,parenting,interest to look good,religious activities ,her purchases,attitude, her thoughts,her appearance,her conversations Etc;

How mean of you to say that your wife who gave birth to two kids in the span of last 7 years is staying in the marriage just for the grudging luxury you provide her with. As a woman i can tell you one thing that you are not easy to live around.Better climb down from your high horse , otherwise your wife should be the one to think of other options like an EX if she has one.

 

Sanjeet,

really your post make me laugh.I may not able to explain things very well but this is the thing

she should feel what she wanted to do about her life and not you.You may see as she is wasting her life but she may not feel that way.If you take Bill Gates,he might think rest of the people in world wasting there time by not inventing anything but you don't feel that way.
Here the main issue,lot of us feel the we own your kids and wife.But really you don't own anyone.
My mom don't even know what we are studying when we are growing up.If my dad thinks she is wasting her life then the family will not go anywhere.I know lot families where one person is very successful and other person is just normal.And doesn't mean that one wasting there life.The day she is not home,you would realize her presence is very much important to you and your kids.
I know your might be thinking she should able sustain herself in case if you are not there.That may be the worry for most of the people.Life is all about hard choices.No one would learn things easy way.People had to survive in hard way.So when times she may do or she may don't have to do at all.She may be one lucky person to have good life as long she lives.
No one knows really what is life about.