My mom's insecurity

I am sorry... I think you need a clear understanding about my case before jumping into conclusion.
Who told you that I have always taken negative advises lightly? Never, and it is not my nature. I would always confront if the advice is negative like yours, and clear them right away.

Who told you that everything is ok in my life? Even today I can't step out of my home if my mom is not around. My life is stuck that way only.
Since my mom assured me to be there for the kids, and we all never liked the idea of day care in our place. We are running out of options. We can't do so much about it in a hurry.. May be at present if my mom threaten me to leave, all I can do is to quit my job and sit at home till I find a reasonable replacement (day care or nanny) but never to leave kids under my in laws care.
So, how do you say my life is okay; hence I confront

I think my mom is insecure only because she is old. She is unable to handle bad people at this state. Everthing is just too much for her. That's why I am sure that she is insecure.
She always see things negatively, but she fails to understand that she is in my priority list and no one can change that easily. Though I spoke this out clearly, and there is no force that keeps her with me, but she still prefers to stay with me as she is happy and comfy with me, I still feel some insecurity in her struck and she sucks. I need a better way to treat this, instead

 

Thank you... I've forgot to mention. That I usually shower my mom with lots of gifts. Initially she always think about the waste of money spent in that. But later she used to feel happy and cherish my gifts (shows everyone about it)

I also take her to routine health chek-ups. Although she is a bit reluctant again for the money matters, I would ensure she participates at the end. It gives her immense satisfaction specially after discussing her reports with the doc. She then eventually recommends to her peers about it, proudly though.

Same with shopping, banking and pilgrimage too. I just be upfront to make her happy, as I know my mom was extremely cared by my dad when he was alive. So, my self and my brother ensure that we do the same always.

Every month I save something on her name. She has an insurance which is paid by me. She knows all that, and she doesn't have to worry about insecurity.

Moreover, she is more of my best friend. We talk a lot. Even I am all ears to her mega serial story telling (about the soaps and matters). I make sure she lives happy here.

When I took the second maid, she was unhappy about it because of the extra money spent. But I initiated that, as my mom would get some rest while the first maid do the house chores and second cares for the kid (else mom would have to run behind the kids).

Like wise, I do many things and I always think about her well being. Despite of my tiresome travelling and demanding career I still concentrate on every single matters at home.

All what irritates me is my mom's depressed mode. She really sucks, feels really bad, and upset whenever my MIL is around. My mom naturally comes to her negative role and it seems as if she is having a dual personality. Otherwise, she is happy, energetic and cool.

If I have a chance, I would simply throw away my MIL and make my mom comfortable. This is exactly my mom wants me to do (she subtly tells the same) for all her assistance for me. She would be happy only if I do this for her, no matter how much I do help her otherwise. She would still be happy if I don't help her, but throw my in laws out.

I know my in laws dont deserve a place in my house. They were dead against and not supportive when I build this house. They didnt even visit me once when I was carrying. They did all the evil thing to my son when he was a baby. There is a huge list that would support my mom's stand on them.

But after having received a long counselling session from a religious ministry, I no longer keep the grudge on them. They behave good now. May be they are acting, but as long as we are tactful, and ready to face them as a unit, what can they do?

When they are resenting, and bending over backward and pleasing us, how can I chase them out? If I do so, it will definitely harm my love life with my H. How can i tell him that I chase his own parents because my mom is not happy about them?

If I do so, my mom will happy... But what about me? What about my kids? Because it will surely affect my peaceful and love life with my H. If that is affected, then the entire episode of my marital happiness will be at risk.

I love my mom, but equally I love my H and kids too. I can't let one feel happy at the expense of other's happiness.

That's why, I find a way to let my mom accept things as they way they are and deal with them while living peacefully/happily.

 

I understand that I should assure her often that I am with her. I know it is a must to do, as she was with me when I felt the same insecurity about my own life some times back.
Since I am in the process of healing myself and restructuring my own life from a dissaster, I never felt like being supportive (emotional) to my mom. Rather, I only expected her to extend the same support as I always needed that time in time out. Amidst all this, I fail to understand her need for some emotional support.

Thanks for bringing in that here... I understand.

During all these while, I would just concentrate on my work, home, kids and how to build everything from ground zero. You may know that I am the one who leads in every single matter at home, where my H only supports. This is how he is, and I perfectly accepted him without any disatisfaction. So, more work for me always. Every single issue of my family needs to be sorted by me only...
For ex:- If my maid resigns, then it is me who rush to find the next maid.. Its me who speak to the agencies, spread the vacant note throw word of mouth, interview the new maids, and select one. Its me who pays the maid, and deal with her issues.
Earlier my H never bothered, but now he joins hands with me to support. But still, I am the primary responsible person.

The issue is not limited to maids, but family finances, kid's education, health, our business, constructions and literally everything. Earlier I tried my best to make my H do more. But later realized that there is so much that he could do.. There is no point if I expect more from him. I realized that I am capable and happy about multi-tasking, but not him.
This acceptance only let me live my life peacefully now.

May be I am venting, I don't know... But I never thought of working with my mom's elderly psychological issues amidst my already tight schedule, that too single handedly.

During all these while, she was the pillar of support and my stress relief. I comfortably lean on her whenever I feel like I am overwhelmed. She supported me directly or through her contacts whenever I could not do much. But I am sorry, I failed to realize that my mom is old, and there is only so much that she could do... She too needs support at some points, and I should be the first to extend that support for her.

Yes, some of you said.. I hope.. This too shall pass.. I shall find a way to face this storm, and move on.

I am planning to take a break (a week off) next week to be with my mom, and assure her repeatedly that I will be with her no matter what. Hope it works. Also, I should not take her comments to heart as I understand her insecurity by now clearly.

 

Thanks Vani

Also the other problem that I could think of is... her isolation. Our current house is more close to our in laws' house although it is the same locality of where we were born (my mom's native). My mom feels that she has lost her routine and great visitors in the new place as it has all the neighbors who are somewhat connected to in laws. She has some discomforts in mingling with these new neighbors. I never mingled too much with any of my neighbors, so I am fine with wheresoever I live.

I have to really think of giving her some quality life than what is she is doing now.

May be some trips, some routine visit to her old neighbours, some gifts for kids from her side, some opportunity to freely decide what she wants about her life, etc...etc... She is not always open about everything, so with my machanical life, sometimes i fail to understand these untold issues of my mom. Perhaps, I have taken her adjustment for granted so far. I must re-check everything

Thanks a lot for the tips

 

Definitely I will do that... But yes, I must tell her this more openly, so that she understands. Thanks