Advice needed in a critical situation

Akanksha1982 · Sep 22, 2014

yellowmango said: ↑

A real knife could have been around instead of the butter knife Akanksha.....a knife is a knife.You are right....we don't know the nature of the altercation nor the provocation......so we should be more balanced and not blame the person who was assaulted.

As per the OP....she was not getting attention from the husband so she retaliated.Doesn't seem like a good enough reason to yield a knife...whatever kind.
Besides ...they have a history of mutual hurting.Who wouldn't want to get out of such a relationship?
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Agreed both have been immature and should have resolved their incompatibility before getting two innocent lives in this world. At least now for the sake of their children, they should have reconciled. There are many ways of doing so like filing a divorce, going for counselling, involving elders in either side of the family etc rather than subjecting wife to humiliation and jail for 5 to 15 years. This is his wife and the mother of his kids. Its not an intruder or a stranger. If he wants to avoid alimony, he could have settled that with the wife. This is like a long time built vengeance that he had and got an opportunity to execute on his vengeance.

I understand that the she shouldn't have reacted in such a way and should have controlled herself unless she was getting overpowered or was acting in self defense. However, spending 5 to 15 years in prison and kids losing their mother doesn't seem right to me. I wouldn't even curse my worst enemy like that leave alone someone that's related to me.

rohinipriya21 · Sep 22, 2014

Hi All,
Two things for sure.
1.If he cares for children and wife.. this things would not happen. He wants to create a sympathy situation for himself ,that his wife attacked( you know, poor guy kind off).And he willingly argued with his wife on petty issue, which resulted to his favor.
2.If he really cares for his wife and children, he would have not have gone for police.

I would rather say, don't worry he will definitely come back to you for the sake of kids.

Keep yourself STRONG.Do Not BEND.MEND.

Regards
Rohini

Ujju · Sep 22, 2014

Hi Guys,

I read actual post and couple other replies but sorry really didn't go through all of them.(I am at work)
Here my 2cents to this with my experience.

I went through a abusive relationship and once my spouse lifted his hand and I called police. But we both were not too aggressive but again just because of in-laws interference our relationship got spoiled an he was listening more to them.
In my case all the close friend and relative involved and brain washed my spouse telling that he need to calm down. He was aggressive even he was in trouble. We were bound to our kid. we compromised and I have withdrawn the case.

Here in this case , some one need to talk to him(may be it's already going on but my thought) . Relatives or friends should talk to him and convince him to let her go without more troubles. She is mother of his 2 kids and taking care of 2 kids without mother is not easy (of course in-laws will have their own plans...that's different story).
Tell him if he has grudge on her - take it in India not here. Law is very tough here .

I am really worried about her. I know as a mother how tough it would be without kids.
KUDOS to Booni for helping her.

Booni · Sep 23, 2014

Ujju - Thanks for sharing your experience. how did you withdraw the case? by signing the 'affidavit of non-prosecution'? which state do you live? why I am asking is - We are exactly trying and doing the same with that husband..this friend of mine who is on bail has a loottttt of friends. but all shallow friends, nothing deep (including me,before this incident!!). so no one knows about this or whoever knows this- is not coming forward to even offer help of any kind. so I am kind of stuck here.

I have helped her in all possible ways,in the last two weeks. my husband takes her to lawyer and all that..but for how long??she has no go. today we went to look for apartments,..its about $900 for single bedroom. the earliest availability is October 19th.
she will get that rent money as of now from her father from India. but how will the leasing company accept a person who is not having a source of income?. she will also be meeting a lawyer today --- again to discuss what next..

her parents from India are helpless..she herself is in my place, if they come here, where will they even stay? they have not been to the US before....
my husband talked to her husband, he hardly even realizes that he had a wife, he is the reason for her situation now. he is in need of 'sympathy' for himself already, or that is how he's projecting at-least.

she is not even in a "hurry'" move anytime soon. she is so relaxed. i wonder why was she not having such a state of mind during the argument with her husband?..anyways...

as someone mentioned we stopped spoon feeding her. we let her talk to others, make appointments, ...but transport wise-public transport not possible from where I live.so car assistance required.

she has license and insurance up-to-date. she used to drive a car. they have two cars.at least if he is giving her one car - we need not accompany her everywhere.
very very miserable catch22 kinda situation. my head is spinning...past two weeks i cant focus on anything except this. i have a 7 yr old myself...
anyways - to my knowledge, we cant' find a solution to this. we have to just 'go with the flow'.

anyways I shall keep in touch - thanks to each and everyone for taking their time to share suggestions/ideas. like you all, i pity her, at the same time, i am mad her. what else to do? imagine i am dealing with her 24x7.

Shina · Sep 23, 2014

Hey kudos to you and ur husband for doing so much for a friend who was not even a close friend of yours.:hatsoff .Wish you all the best and will keep you in my prayers. Hope this resolves soon.

Rin123 · Sep 23, 2014

Dear Booni please hang in there. It will be solved soon. Ask her what are her future plans then she will be aware of reality. We really appreciate you for doing all this for your friend. Here in foreign country friends are only relatives. Take care.

Rihana · Sep 23, 2014

Booni said: ↑

she is not even in a "hurry'" move anytime soon. she is so relaxed. i wonder why was she not having such a state of mind during the argument with her husband?..anyways...

as someone mentioned we stopped spoon feeding her. we let her talk to others, make appointments, ...but transport wise-public transport not possible from where I live.so car assistance required.

she has license and insurance up-to-date. she used to drive a car. they have two cars.at least if he is giving her one car - we need not accompany her everywhere.
very very miserable catch22 kinda situation. my head is spinning...past two weeks i cant focus on anything except this. i have a 7 yr old myself...
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Till they legally separate, her husband is also responsible for any expenses she incurs. He seems to know she is in "good" hands and has a roof over her head, and so is also taking it cool. If she starts to rack up bills, he might take notice.

Have her move into a hotel or other short-term rental paying advance. If she has a credit card, she should use it. If he has cancelled all her credit cards and ATM cards, she should use that to her advantage. Establish written or email conversation with the banks. Organizations have to follow rules - even if she is out on bond, she cannot be denied access to her accounts. If husband is primary account holder and has restricted access, that has to be documented, so it can be used later against him.

I am a little disturbed to read the impact it is having on you. So, I am going to say this bluntly - you need to get her out of your house. You've done your bit. Time to say enough is enough.

Just because there is a problem, or somebody has a problem, or she has nowhere else to go, it doesn't become your problem. I am a little conservative and also probably older than you and this is my opinion - it is not a good idea to have an unrelated woman living in your house for an indefinite period of time. That is inviting trouble. Trouble with a capital T.

You think your child is not understanding what is going on? How much can you shield him/her from the discussions.

Think of a tactful way of telling the lady that you are done hosting her, and give her a day like end of month by which to move out. When faced with a deadline, other options have a way of materializing.

1Sandhya · Sep 23, 2014

Rihana has given excellent advice. I did not know all this about cards and bank accounts. But right after that thought came another: why did the lawyer not tell you ppl all this? They should be knowing all this, correct? Maybe you pay a final visit to lawyer and clearly mention about apartment hunting and need to arrange for temporary funds/accommodation/transport for her till she can get back on her feet. I understand you are being nice but maybe lawyer thinks it is all taken care of. You state your problem in a nice way, get options and use them to delink. In fact this should have been one of the first item on your agenda after bringing her out on bail but oh well...

sdiva20 · Sep 23, 2014

I had no idea about that. Thanks for letting me know.

Akanksha1982 said: ↑

sdiva20, Texas is different. They are different from the nation. Here is what Texas recording law states.

Therefore, if you operate in Texas, you may record a conversation or phone call if you are a party to the conversation

This is pretty serious, if she gets charged for attempted murder, the penalties range from 5 years to 15 years in Texas. Do you think her offense constitute for that level or punishment?

She already has gone through much humiliation, mug shot taken, strip search, etc. Remember Devyani Khobragade, diplomat that got arrested for not paying her maid enough.
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sdiva20 · Sep 23, 2014

YM- excellent thoughts. I too picked up the "mutually abusive" bit in the op. It does seem like both were at each other's throat constantly.

I don't know their relationship except what is mention in these posts but in a fight between H & W, no one should be picking up a knife (butter or not). I am thinking of two little kids witnessing this day in and day out. Can't be good environment for them. These two should NOT be living together as it jeopardizes their children's lives. No one is talking about the kids and my main concern is for them. They are the helpless ones here and in a predicament for no fault of theirs.

The wife could have snapped (momentary lapse of judgment) but the one thing about being an adult is taking responsibilities for your actions and realizing that your actions have consequences.

US laws are not strange or weird. Laws are in place for common good. A jury of peers decide on guilt or innocence and it all depends on the skills of the attorneys. No one really knows what happened in their household- not the cops nor the court- so the person who can present their case best wins. So yes sometimes the guilty gets scot free and innocent gets guilty verdict. The system is not always perfect (anywhere) but for most part does the best it can.

OP- your friend needs to open her eyes and smell the coffee. As everyone said, she need a good attorney and she need to more proactive in building her defense.

yellowmango said: ↑

From the original post.

While I do sympathize with the friend...probably doesn't deserve to go to jail...I don't understand the tide against the husband.

They had a volatile relationship. From the op it does not look like she was in an one sided abusive relationship.Mutually hurting each other is mutually abusive.The worst kind of situation for children to be in.

It also doesn't look like this was the only incidence of violence between them. Her silence on the issue also points towards her not being in an abusive relationship.

While we do see more cases of men being the abuser...there are enough cases of women being mentally and physically abusive.In most such cases...men are too embarrassed to even accept in public that they are physically abused by their wives till it is too much and becomes life threatening. Attacking with a knife definitely falls under the same .

According to the original post....he went to office the next morning and came back with the cops...not after a week.

It seems quite logical...he is a man with two small kids. He called his mother...met with some lawyers and then called the cops.Exactly what we would advise a woman to do...get away,consult a lawyer and involve the police.

He obviously wants an end to this marriage .He is probably looking for the more fool proof ,fastest way of going about it.As for wanting custody of children,it is also quite logical....the parent who has more self control and less violent ways should want the child if he is responsible.As for alimony...I wouldn't want to pay a fat alimony to a person who attacks me with a knife.

What strikes me as shocking is a apathy of her own family. When your child is looking at a possible jail sentence....you expect more than just financial support from the parents.

I also find is surprising that an engineer with two children is behaving in such a naive manner.

As for the children being denied access to a mother......We have all seen enough cases of mothers harming their own children .....jumping into well after throwing the children first,poisoning them and then killing self. Extreme cases.....but they do happen. A person who can pick up a knife...should have to go through some psychiatric evaluation before being trusted with children.
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