Need Advice - Thank you in advance.

OP, come out of it! he doesnt love you and honestly speaking you dont love him either. You are just obsessed with him and will freak out for some time because your best toy has been taken away from you. Please remember that time heals everything and your obsession with your husband shall also pass.

What you are talking about is in no dictionary called love, its more of control and putting up appearances for other people's sake. And as all of us have told you until now its just the two of you who will suffer due to this obsessive relationship but bringing a child will mean that an innocent person will suffer because two people did not know how to make decision like adults and brought him/her into a family where there is no chance of stability.

Its not as if your husband is not to be blamed he should have stood up to his decision before marriage rather than listening to a girl who didnt take into consideration his decision and ensured that she blackmailed him into marriage through a physical relationship, torturing him emotionally and what not. And he may have thought he would make it work when he entered the marriage but no relationship lasts which was built on such flimsy grounds since there is no trust and love between both parties.

So take a reality check, get some counselling sessions (you definitely need it), take a divorce, take up some hobbies to route your obsession to right places and work on building a new life and let him build his. Because your marriage isnt going anywhere!

 

Try to come out of it... Staying in this relationship will only add to your pain and agony.

Stay Happy

 

Please dont do this !!! What didnt work for 14 years WILL NOT work now !!!

He is emotionally unavailable to you !! No blackmail worked till now, none will work in the future !!

A kid in this equation will only hurt and increase drama from your end, nothing from his end! And the poor kid - what kid wants to be just a pawn/barter between the parents

 

OP, once again, you aren't ready to have a child or even be in a relationship right now. get therapy. Work out what you can do with your life. And set your husband free. Your parents are your responsibility. Your husband should not be expected to pay the price for their sake. Therapy will help you figure out what to do further with the least damage.

 

Its actually difficult not to be blunt or not to end up hurting you more for giving any piece of advice.

Love is supposed to bring happiness and peace from within. If this is not happening, then of course there is something grossly wrong. From your story, I cannot see the "love" factor at all. You wanted to own him like any child wants a toy. May be kids still are happy after they get the toys.

If you are trying to have a child with him, that is the second biggest mistake (known mistake) that you be committing. Why do you want to have child.. is it because you love kids or want another tool for blackmailing??


Its gonna be tough decision, but you have to step out. First free him from your bondage. And you are need to come out of it. Take a break. Occupy yourselves in something else. Don't purposely try to forget him, but gradually divert your thinking and energy. And then take the decision. You dont need him for having child. You can adopt as well.

At least for sometime/till you don't re-discover yourselves, you should not go into the baby business. You wont be able to give justice to the baby and also the relationship between you and the baby. Motherhood is a wonderful experience, you should enjoy it and not take it as a burden or a means to achieve something else.

I am sure you have realised, still to emphasize.. your life is result of decisions you take. You are suffering because of your possessiveness and your H is suffering because he succumbed to your blackmailing.

So first let it go. Cleanse your mind. Then move forward.

 

OP -> loves -> H, H -> loves -> some other girl (SOG), SOG -> loves -> ? Everyone seems to be chasing the moon here.

Does the poor other girl even have the idea that this man is throwing away his marriage/family/life for her sake? To any normal girl, he will look like such a pervert !!! What does he plan to do if she gets married to someone else?

What a match Good Lord sometimes make !! On one end there is OP who gets what she wants in her life by hook or crook. On the other end there is her H, who does not even seem to know what he wants from life.

While it is difficult to sympathize with OP, her husband too seems to be some character. What a weakling, to get emotionally blackmailed into not only physical relationship, but also marriage , and now, most probably into fatherhood. He needs to be doused with ice cold water, IMO. Although he will be pitied socially, legally he seems to have screwed himself quite well.

Somehow, I'm getting the feeling that right now he seems secure in OP's refusal to give divorce. Thats why he is acting so pricey. What happens if OP agrees to go for a contested divorce (worst, after the child comes)? Then may be he will go on a back foot and decide to stay in marriage.

Note : I may be completely totally wrong in picturing OP's husband's state of mind. The chances are 99%, in fact. OP, a thousand 'sorry' in that case. sorrysmiley But my suggestion would be, just once, show him that you too might contemplate a separation.

 

See in your statement you are telling you cannot love, this CANNOT is for the time being statement, if you had told never i won't love another guy at all then you stand firm. This person is still in your life so you cannot today. Tomorrow its not going to be the same.
Parents sick is a excuse, they lived their part of life, now just don't put the ball in their court telling for them i must be etc. No its your life, you must only live, they cannot come and get your pain or happiness, so think first.
For the blind so called love you married him forcing, blackmail etc, now to separate your eyes finds lame excuses, was your parents young when you got married, 4years have only passed.
Instead of envying that girl its better that you, your husband and the girl meet in a common place, please be frank and open discuss what you three are going to do. You people seem to confuse and complicate your lives so much, we are not aware what that third girl is thinking, he may love her, is she reciprocating the same love or what their state is etc.

Actually only bearing child is your problem are what, then go for adoption or sperm donation, just for the sake of it if you do it today, you are going to bear the pain life long and that child should also bear it for your blender.

You, your husband and the girl, life is to live so three don't stamp one another to prove your love and later regret. Best is sit, talk, be open and find her side also tell that girl your views, may be she would help your husband understand your love for him. The moment he understands himself, what he wants he would go that way. Be honest and no blackmail, just accept the way it comes.
For the outer world, to show off friends please don't act, we must be ourself in this one life so try to be. After trio discussion make a firm decision either to go off or what to do next. See the other side of the coin also and decide. :cool2:

 

Dear,
My sympathies are with you - but a lot of it is through your own doing as you have yourself admitted. Do not complicate the situation further by getting a child into this situation. Even if you can manage to raise a child yourself, you cannot justify your actions to your child later in life. As so many of our ILs have advised, please make a clean chit and divorce your husband, however painful it may be. You can start afresh to find a partner when you have come out of all this mentally. You can always adopt a child and have peace later. I know it requires a lot of courage as you obviously loved your husband - but when there is no response, do not hurt yourself further by taking the wrong steps. We pray that you come out of this, and find happiness.