Sleep Pretty Darling, Do Not Cry, And I Will Sing A Lullaby

Aria · Aug 4, 2014

Satchi,

Pain is so mysterious! Before you even realize the affliction, the body is preparing to layer with scabs. Before your mind fully registers the loss, it is already coping up. Even when you start feeling that pierce in the heart it is only solidifying as strength.

Things that well your glands, will only surfeit your smiles later when you think , the memories, the time, the moments will all add up to a beautiful experience of a life time. You will have your mom closer to you in her death than life with her extraordinary journey as a fighter, adorable, gritty woman inspiring you in ways you can only imagine every day.

I don't know Satchi but though I wish to offer my condolences with a phatic , oh poor you , I am compelled to tell you - her passing was only passing down of her legacy to you in the form that we all have grown to love you both as women of substance who fought against all odds till the end.

So her death was not a fell or a loss but an embrace of peace after a weary battle. Let us not entomb her in stony commiseration R.I.P but suffuse her spirit in ways she has made us laugh, cry, suspended among people who have never met but still want to know about her. Sir Christopher Wren's epitaph at St Paul's reads "Lector, si monumentum requiris, circumspice" which means — "Reader, if you seek his monument, look around you." You have immotalized her in your writing, anedcotes, every where around so beautifully that is she gone? No, she is more than ever everywhere now!

satchitananda · Aug 4, 2014

Dear Aria,

That is a really beautiful message from you. The 13 days are over. Am waiting to get back home and into my routine, hopefully finding something meaningful to occupy the time I used to spend with her.

Talking about my mom, my niece had sent a little write up to be read out at her 11th day prayers. I am posting it here. There were certain incidents I may not have been privy to, but many bear witness to the different aspects of her character.

I’ve flowed through this week counting my many blessings, grieving deeply, then celebrating the lives of two very special people (Ammamma and Thathu). I’ve relived memories that have made me cry, then laugh, and then cry again, before hitting an emotionless still point.

Here is a story that brought laughter…yes, my grandmother was pretty SPUNKY and SASSY!

Little Nannie, Ammamma, and Thathu were in the living room of their warm and cozy old home that everybody loved so much. The door was left open to allow a gentle breeze to glide in. Above the door was a built in window/vent with rails. Nannie had seen Thathu do some pull ups on these in the past, and commented on how strong she thought Thathu was. Ammamma asked Nannie what made her think only strong Thathu could do it. Nannie said that no one else had done it before. Ammamma promptly climbed on to the bed, held on to the upper frame of the door in between the rails, and swung away back and forth and back and forth….now, those weren’t pull ups, by oh boy….a graying lady in a saree, with a nose ring, bangles, and ear rings, swaying through the home entrance is a sight to behold. Thathu looked up, smiled, and amusedly continued to read his newspaper. Embarrassed Nannie watched in awe, but was so worried about the neighbors catching a glimpse of this Amazonian performance!

Ammamma’s love for me was unconditional. She was patient enough to deal with a rambunctious and sometimes unpredictable little Nandita. So many memories flood through….of being dropped off and picked up at the school bus stop everyday, Ammamma carrying a heavy school bag so that I did not have to bear the load ; warm and fresh lunches sent daily with the dabba walla; freshly cooked snacks (some favorites being bread upma, poha, shira) every evening; full body oil massages every weekend; the happiness that shone on her face the only time I got a prize in Math; of high speed walks to and from Deccan Gymkhana; of numerous warm and cozy nights just snuggling up with her; and then of course, her warm and welcoming open door policy to everybody that chanced to visit on any day at any time! Ammamma did not ask for “me time” or breathing space, sacrificing her time and her space at every stage. She provided me with words of wisdom almost every day, some that I just heard, others that I genuinely listened to – soooo challenging to put into practice.

I have been blessed to have had Ammamma in my life. The heavens were smiling when they gave me this gift – of Ammamma and Thathu. Never had I imagined that I’d "lose" either of them….they were immortal in my innocent world. Then eleven years ago, Thathu passed on. And then, Ammamma was homeward bound. On Tuesday morning as I woke up to the news, a wave of relief and peace swept through my cells when I knew she wasn’t to “suffer” anymore. Then erupted tumultuous quakes of grief that ebbed and flowed through the core….grieving the loss of a Mom cum Grandmom that I would not see again in this lifetime...and never in this shape, form, or situation. As I walked along a wooded path blinded by tears, deafened by stifled rising sobs, reaching out to, and searching for her in the wind, the trees, flowers, and birds, a reminder shot through: That my Ammamma and Thathu were in my essence... their love and light would shine upon me and through me as I breathed, walked, and talked….my guardians forever.
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VaniVyas · Aug 4, 2014

My Condolences Madam.

I know you all did not want her to suffer any more Still....
That heading and wordings do speak more emotions than what I understood or what I read. IT is a huge loss only.

navs23 · Aug 5, 2014

Dear Satchi,

So sorry to hear about your loss. May her soul rest in peace.

Do you remember, once I said I had pictured you as a wise sage, a gyani. I see you that way again, for staying so composed. Your mom is at peace now and will always watch over you. My best wishes and prayers for you to stay strong and happy always!

kanaka Raghavan · Aug 5, 2014

Really heart rendering.
Yeah we always think we have still years and years with them but we fail to realize they are slowly weaning away.It is tremendous loss but life has to go on.Sometimes wonder what is LIFE all about?We are here now and the next moment gone for ever without a trace of having lived...Sorrow on to memories..............
Do not worry we at least have wonderful memories which we can linger on ...and your mother must be watching over blessing you.

hrastro · Aug 5, 2014

My condolences Satchi !

I can understand what you're going through !! I lost my loving FIL (90 year old) just 3 months back and while I terribly miss his wisdom, love and laughter, somehow I'm glad that he went without being hospitalized for a single day - that was his major fear !

And I feel they are not really gone .. They live on in memories, in thoughts and many times they remain as ourselves - their lessons, the character and love they passed on to you and through you to other people in your life...

apar_ram · Aug 5, 2014

Heartfelt condolences dear. You have beautifully captured your love and feelings here. May her soul rest in peace. She is no longer suffering and is in the comfort of her loved ones. She will be there in spirits to guide you.
Aparna

Anitap · Aug 6, 2014

Dear Satchi, hugs to your dear. You did all that you could for her. She is blessed to have a dd like you.

jingi92 · Aug 6, 2014

my heartfelt condolences ...

i felt the same when i lost my mother ... she looked soo peaceful .... when she breathed her last only my sis and i were with her and i was telling my sis ... "she is going ... going .. .gone" .... it was soo simple compared to all that she suffered in those last days of her life ...

i used to feed her, clean her do everything ... we had quite a few ppl (paid servants/nurses) looking after her but i still did a lot ... and how i miss her even today ... whenever i see a crow say caw caw near our kitchen window ... i say to myself ... amma vanduthaya ... i am sure you are also missing her soo and will continue to miss her ...

but keep faith she has gone to a much better place .. and god bless her soul ...

SGBV · Aug 6, 2014

RIP to your mother Satchi. I can understand your mixed feelings very well. Don't worry, your mom is in the most safest place now, without having to bear any sufferings like before. Keep praying for her