Washing machine broke down...Scared to go home..How to face?

Dear Neetugtb,

I read your suggestion here and I really appreciate your way of taking things patiently and then finally emerging victorious and getting your way. And I like the way you think. However, what I fail to understand is, in the midst of all this, all the compromises, all the adjustments that the dil makes in the long run, all the manipulations that you have to do to your mil (please note I am not against it), and all this household drama that the dil's bear , do you not think that life's bigger purpose is lost? Shouldnt you be spending this time doing something bigger and more more purposeful in life? Should our lives aim be always to please our in-laws and adjust or have peace of mind? Should we always be struggling to make adjustments in life? For instance, like OP here, live your live for 5 days when you are staying away from your inlaws and go thru hell in the weekends?? How is someone to perform well at their workplace or work towards bettering oneself, when there is always the tension of the impending weekend-hell to look forward to in life? Also, why should one have to forcibly spend the 2 days you get after work to rejuvenate yourself and get back to work, (and most of us have the most hectic of jobs, I use to work like a dog in my previous company, extremely hectic life I had earlier and i am assuming most of the women here do), with inlaws who give you hell? Is that what life is all about? Pleasing people who make life difficult for us !! I am not saying that we shudnt visit inlaws, but at our own convenience. No one should dictate on this matter. If I have 15 vacation days, I'll spend 3 with these inlaws because I have to, but the rest I would spend it with people who appreciate my presence, dont think of me as a maid, help me when I am down n not bring me down every chance they get. Why should I have to slay at the feet of the people who dont care for me nor love me ???!!

Always this is thrown at the dils that you have to take care of the in-laws , so who is taking care of the dils?? She needs to work at the office also, work at home also, and then slog for the inlaws also. (Not all our husbands slog in the kitchen with us, and if some do, those same mils dont want their dear sons to even lift a spoon because dil is there do all this).
So who is taking care of the dil? What does she have to look forward in life?? (Ofcourse when they are old and frail we need to take care of them)

Some one once told me, THOSE WHO MATTER, DONT MIND, THOSE WHO MIND, DONT MATTER !!

(I am sorry if I offended someone, it wasnt my intention, but I just feel that this is not what I came into the world to do, nor did I get married for this)

 

Totally agree with Weasly here.How can any one be forced to live with abusive people?That is not life...it is punishment.

 

Dear Weasly & Yellow mango,

I do agree with you, been there done that. When you get married, your first and foremost relation is with your husband, if your terms with him are clear and he supports you in your decisions, what the heck this world is going to do? but when he knows you are right, yet he doesn't want to support you, what are you going to do? Make him understand, argue, tell him bluntly, fight, leave... and ultimately...either he bows down or...

Depends how do you see life. everybody, men/women should have the freedom to do what they want, how they prefer to live life but if things do not suit you or work according to you, you have to give it some time to change for better. Doesn't mean you take any bull **** that comes your way but you do need some time to take a stock of the situation as you have your whole future at stake at least that is what you started out with when thought of getting married. Nobody takes a plunge thinking that so what if it doesn't work my way, I'll fight for it, achieve or leave it. Sorry, pre nup's are not an in thing in India, even legally.

I wd say, don't you do it at your workplace, if you opt for a particular job, don't you try to give it time and your best. If you are able to manage it well then you enjoy and your output doubles but as you said if one works like dog, how much and long do you think one can put up with.

Again as I said it depends on your own understanding and capacity to take the responsibility of consequences, if MIL says, she will not compromise as she has nothing to do with her DIL's salary, she refuses to see that it is her son whose future is going to be secure with a working DIL, she wanted a DIL who could stay at home at her mercy, it was the son who wanted a working wife, so it all comes to the son who has to pacify his mother on not getting a DIL at her service and a working wife to match his qualifications, his status of having a well placed wife among his peers and who could help him achieve his aspirations. So, it is the DH who turns his back on the wife's woes and backs out by escaping as hurt, confused, sympathetic and supportive but with no guts. So, where does it leave a young woman who came to his house to start a new chapter of life, it is not such that she had a prior experience of dealing with such situations, it also not that she had an inkling of what she is going to face?

What I mean is instead of making your IL's understand, it is your DH that needs to take your stand first and if he clearly doesn't want then it is your own outlook how you want to proceed with the matter. If your DH wants both of you out of the messy circumstances and live a life of your own then what else could you ask for? But how many are fortunate to have such a DH? Of course, it doesn't mean that you should stop trying.

The eg of my co-sis happened 20 years back but the situation with drnamshara is similar to it. Delhi moves very fast and I can see around myself that nowadays either people are reluctant to get married or 90% of marriages are ending up in divorce, mainly because people don't have the patience to give time to relations whether it is mutual or IL created.

And btw, I never suggested her to bow, I asked to her buy some peace, you don't cannot waste your precious life in making dumb and egoist dullheads understand your outlook, man you have to live your own life peacefully so if you can afford, you can surely throw in some chips to buy you peace and privileges. It all depends on how smartly you play your cards. Marriage cannot be comparable to a job, for most it is for keeps. You can change your job as many times as you want if you don't fit well but unfortunately we don't have the same outlook for marriage. For most of us, we have to create a brand value for ourselves when it comes to IL's, be it your work efficiency or money power, only few are fortunate enough to enjoy it from the beginning itself. We all being the same gender do understand each other and want equality for us but we should also be practical about the situation in real time rather than how it should be. I believe in achieving targets, without resorting to low gimmicks and playing cards that the situation demands and having faced the worst of scenarios, I can say that it was my personal choice that I stuck to my own situations, I never ever let anybody interfere in my matters although mine was an arranged marriage. Everybody has her own outlook about how long one can take exploitation and to what heights, what is actually at stake and at what cost.

 

OMG ..i cant freaking understand you being succcha educated lady are freightened of the villager.That too you are a physiciandoh1.No need to accepting any crap from succha lady.You hold your stand and tell directly yes i used it last but i didnt purposely spoiled the machine.Better still if you have the funds god damn buy her a more expensive machine which has more capacity.No use argueing with such personality.Hold your stand and walk away if she creates a scene.You know what ,fighting with pigs you realise that actually pigs enjoy being dirty and you dont

 

Sorry if I offend anybody but I would like to ask how many women here achieved a victory over their IL's without any support from their DH or were able to convince their DH for leaving or rubbing their ILs aside within a few years of marriage or with a given rough circumstances were able to make a place for themselves in the joint family relying only on arguments or fights minus any understanding on the part of both the sides or were able to shift out minus any tiffs with family or Dh being unhappy about it.

I suppose drnamshara would be among the few fortunates who shifted out, all credit to DH's diplomatic escape strategy minus any tiffs with the family or him being sad. If he thought about a peaceful life for both of them for a full week, couldn't she do the same for two days if it is only for him?

 

I do understand why you state that maintain peace for the two days since the hubby has at least separated with you.But have you realised why??He himself knows what his mother is up to and also probably wants peace of mind than being in a tight situation where he needs to decide between his mom and wife.Anyways i feel no one has the right to belittle anyone.Nothing is more imp than OP's self respect.If you have read the entire thread you will realise how the mil has been treating the dil.?Its disgusting.She needs to stand up for herself.

 

Dear Jaden,

Should be's are great to talk about but the discussions have stretched so far that sorry I am cutting short, again a should be but the focus for solving any problem in life should be on the most real and practical solutions rather on how it should be or had to be.

Please follow my earlier posts carefully, I am into it from the beginning itself. And I gave her the same suggestion as yours to buy a machine rather than being scared and facing an ugly situation with egoistic fools.

 

Oh c'mon nettugtb...that is the height of exaggeration. Do you know every year there are record number of marriages every wedding season in Delhi.As for divorces.....seriously????.....90%


The problem I feel with dils is that most dils (including me) start off by bending over backwards to please the dh and the ils.That is where the lines of expectations are drawn. Unfortunately the dils bend so much that it is not possible to stay in that position all their lives without serious damage to their self respect and esteem.

When they try to change things...it is seen as defiance and that is when hell breaks loose.Why raise expectations to that level early on ? Why be so desperate to please ?

Most husbands are as keen on making the marriage work and most of them are also trying to see how far they can make you go before you put up a fight.It is better to let your boundaries be known in the beginning than raise a war cry later on.

As for OP 's situation...if the mil is insecure about losing her son to the dil...(if I were in her place)I would use that as a bargaining chip.Tell her firmly that if she keeps misbehaving like this ...she would drive them away permanently.Let her choose between behaving better or losing them.Throw the ball in her court.She is the one who needs to change...just let her know that.

 

I think you just stay calm and let her say anything she want to....just try to ignore and say "Sorry, will try not to use that machine again."

Also, don't try to offer any money....just convince your DH for present his mom a new machine on any event....her b'day, parent's anniversary....or any other important event....gift from son wont't hurt her ego, just make sure you or ur Dh never show it was ur idea......and this could solve your problem for future.

Good Luck.