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5 yr olds behavioural issues due to new school/daycare/home/fmly

Discussion in 'Toddlers' started by jhalli27, Jul 21, 2014.

  1. jhalli27

    jhalli27 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi to all.. after a REALLY long time :). Back after a hiatus of 2 yrs.

    quick recap of myself: im running 32, DH is 34. Had a love marriage - intercaste. stayed in joint family with over protective and interfering in-laws. have an almost 5 yr old DD. im in a job, and DH runs business.

    Now to the issue:
    DD got admission in a great school this yr. and joined this month beginning. due to logistics, we shifted to a new home closer to school, and a new day care for DD. Quite naturally she is going through a transition phase of adjusting to new school, new day care, new house and from joint to nuclear family. Not to mention, transition from a small pre-school (9-12 pm) class of 10 kids to a ukg (8 to 1 pm) in a regular school with 30+ kids in a class. due to all this, she is having big tantrums for over 2 weeks now. while i believe its because of ALL changes hapening together, she is feeling the separation anxiety. plus i have checked with her school co-ordinator every week - who assures she is very happy in school. probably she doesnt like daycare - because ALL kids sleep from 1.30 - 3.30 pm. DD arrives there around 2ish, and hates to be alone. she has given up her noon nap last year itself, and frankly im ok because she sleeps early in the night by 8-8.30 pm. no matter how much i force, she doesnt sleep in the noon. so i think due to all the changes , and kids sleeping in day care, she is taking more time to adjust.

    DD starts crying every morning when i wake up (even as early as 5.30 am) and begs me to stay home with her. she admits she feels sad because no one talks to her. she says all her friends kids parents come to pick her and they go home - unlike my kid who goes in school van to day care. she even says her tummy starts aching at lunch time and insists that i dont give her lunch. while i understand wat she is going through, i find it very difficult to deal with everything. i feel telling her the truth/facts will torture her more, while telling lies to make her quiet is a worse way to her mental state. she starts shouting, screaming, kicking when i stay quiet. but still comes to me after everything. i send her to school and when check with teacher and day care provider, i get positive feedback. school teacher says she enjoys, while day care says she is improving every day. so personally i dont find anything to be worried about. i think compassion and patience is the only way to get through this phase.

    while all this is happening, i find most difficult part is to deal with other family ppl.
    DH - going through financial crisis. and hence is withdrawn and not supportive. if kid cries too much, he starts scolding her (which is ok), or worse, kicks around things and shows aggressiveness. if she misses her bus, he has to drop her (location is interior with no public transport and bad roads), and he starts getting angry about the roads/his car/diesel money, etc. basically blaming everything bad in his life on me/child. i know his thinking is bad - but right now im concentrating only on easing my child to adjust.

    MIL - the most negative ans sensitive/emotional person. even before i express my fears, she starts crying feeling bad/sad for DD. her thoughts are extreme and she starts about child pyschiatrist, dr visit, etc. basically talking to her doesnt make me feel better, but worse.

    FIL - he thinks whatever i do/deal with DD is not right. he keeps advising me to do things , but diesnt understand i cannot do without support of my hubby.

    Mom - She can relate to me. but starts to degrade my hubby/in laws by saying how dumb they are and how my choice of husband was wrong, etc.

    Dad - he is in his own world and doesnt care about anyone.

    Friends - hardly have any - but still i try and socialize. no one close is available for me.

    so bottom line is - wile i understand that kid is going through a tough phase, im finding it hard to manage alone. and quite naturally listening to everything and no support from anyone.. i am at a loss what to do. feels like fighting a lone battle..

    please advice.. and also suggest if what my daughter is feeing is normal right? she will become better and adjust by when?

    toooo exhausted mentally..
     
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  2. hope2b

    hope2b Silver IL'ite

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    Hi jhalli. It is indeed very tough for you. Kudos to you though, even in this mental agony, you are thinking right and not getting negative thoughts and actions. You are an awesome mother. Feel proud of that. Financial situations are tough. Your family will bounce off that. My suggestion to you is, keep your mil/ fil words, actions, thoughts totally out of your head. They just go in, go out. You can judge your Hs actions. May be once his business kicks off, he will be positive then. So, although tough, and probably you are already doing this, your DD needs your attention and support more.

    Looks like you have got everything right about your DD. May be its time, to put a little more effort. May be start telling stories every morning, instead of let's get ready to school routine. You can make stories about your own situations and make happy endings. This should be a calm routine. Tell her it's special time and may be more once she comes back from school. Not much help, but try to do something she enjoys, before she starts her sobbing. Something pleasant. Don't worry, you will do great.
     
  3. oysterzzz

    oysterzzz Gold IL'ite

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    Hi there,

    I want to tell you one thing, just believe in your kid. Whatever the teachers say is never true. They just don't want us to panic and withdraw that's it. This happened with me too. The teachers and staff used to say, "She's very happy and happily playing with her friends" and I don't need to worry about her anymore but when I brought my kid back home, she was crying and wasn't ready to go to school the next day. Of course that was her first day and I am lucky that my kid got adjusted easily and she liked her school and had no problem from the 3rd day. But I still don't believe any of the teachers.

    Just ask your DD why she doesn't like to go to school. May be she needs some time and I think it's difficult for any kid to start her/his day by 8am. I guess your kid is 5yr old so just talk to her.
     
  4. jhalli27

    jhalli27 Bronze IL'ite

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    thanks for quick responses..

    the fun part is - she is not crying after coming from school. she is happy to be home. even at night, she is fine and sleeps well (about 10-11 hrs). her crying and fighting is for avoiding day care/being home early.

    i kind of believe she is happy in school as she herself says so. she is just sad she doesnt have friends. plus, once we are in car/van - she doesnt cry (i think she gets the message). pus i notice she has learned a lot of new things.. in terms of manners, poems, habbits, etc. she even refers to her teachers and few classmates when at home. the learning implies that she is listening and enjoying to some extent.

    i think the issue is - in daycare she wants to enjoy and play. but all kids sleep and the room is dim. she hates going in the 'dark room'. but still the daycare providers say she is coping well with each day.

    i think the cycle should not break. but in the weekends my in laws comeover or force us to come to their place and then they want to prepare her for everything. so they keep talking about scool/daycar eeven when she is off.

    as a mother - my gut feeling is - these are adjustment issues. and i need to just be calm with her. im trying to adjust to my work as well - pick her by 5 pm from day care, bring her home.. she watched tv til 6.30 while i make dinner and feed her by 7. then we go down and play in the apartment til 8 pm.. back home and then slp by 8.30 max. she is happy all hrough. the struggle is just in mornings...
     
  5. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    OP, hugs to you. Its heartbreaking to see our kids cry. I think the main problem is the daycare. Not problem per se but the sleep schedule is not suitable for your child. Instead of going to a dim room, can they arrange a corner for her where she can quietly play or read? Perhaps the daycare has a play area which dedicates to needs like your DD who doesn’t nap in the afternoons?

    I don’t know how to deal with inlaws though.
     

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