Advise me

prettywomen123 · Jun 6, 2008

Hi all

Thanks a ton ladies for the amount of warmth, suggesstions and advice given to me. I turned emotional when I actually read each of your threads carefully. Sorry for the delay in getting back to you all. Let me tell you what just happened. As I told you, he left the keys with my friend.. I met my friend after work and he said my husband had already collected the key. I got a phone call from my hubby saying he is on his way and will come home shortly. He knows I will be waiting for him in the tube station. He made me wait for more than an hour. I called his mobile and he was not picking it. After calling him 4 times he picked up and shouted at me and said he will come and turned up. I took a take away from a shop, his favourite chicken popcorn and thought will solve all this the same day. He dint speak a word, he opened the door and immediately went to sleep on the floor. I wanted to find out if he ate and he dint answer me. I told him that I got him his favourite food and he refused to listen to me and turned away. I called him and said please eat and sleep. He said he was tired and wanted a sleep. I know he dint eat anything the whole day because of his ego. I begged him to eat and for that he said I will earn my own money and then eat. I was upset and said - Please I ask sorry for all that happened. I dont want u to get some job but you are an IT networking professional and so lets wait until you find your domain job. We are 2 souls and one heart and so we should never be seperating things its not my money or my food its OUR money and OUR life. He gave a deaf ear to all that I said and turned away.Its been 2 days he has been sleeping seperately and also told me that he will sleep next to me after earning money. That nite I again leaving my ego away, I woke him and for that he just slapped me again and harassed me very badly. He said he walked all the way 5 stops and his leg was paining and cried.I felt pity and said lets leave this ego and started explaining all the love we had for 8 yrs.He cried and cried and so I thought I should let some one know. I called his mom and his mom before me acted and adviced his son. He immediately said he is coming to India in 2 days. For that I said OK if thats your wish I would book tickets for you. The way he slapped me after that conversation again, I fainted and cudnt wake up. He always thinks I am creating a drama and lie when I talk abt my true love for him. He thought I will wake up if he acts as if he calls my mum over phone. I dint wake up bcoz I really fainted. he immdly poured water on my face and cried and said he wont do that again. I told him that I dont want to live anymore and I felt I've failed in my life. I said I think I will die tonight bcoz he gave me lots of slaps, punches and thugs. so lastly I wanted to speak to my mom. He then understood I wasnt joking. He was so scared that he was applying a lot of creams for my pain to disappear.

His mom called up the next day morning thinking I left to work. She speaks to her son- Come back if you dont like there. I told you not to get in to this and you forcefully wanted to. Dont call us when she is there with you. Thats when I imagined how bad a MIL could be speaking different things to diff people. When ever I used to call my MIL,SIL or BIL, they never ask how I am. Only if I ask them they respond to asked questions. His mum always listens to everything and says I am advicing my son and he is not listening. I was working from home yesterday and I logged in to Indus ladies and looked at all your comments. Then I started thinking may be suffocation with love is the reason to all my problems. So I went to kitchen prepared tiffin for him and he ate it. I started making lunch and when my mom called to find out I was OK , he saw me crying. From then on, I started doing things I was interested in. I cooked food, had to take him to a GP to register, then came back home. He took his bath and always I used to towel dry his hair but this time I was just busy doing my own stuff. He noticed a difference in me and he asked me to help him towel his hair and I did it. He himself came up to me and asked- Oh 2 days back u told me you wanted to eat food from outside na, lets go today. I dressed up well and he immdltly put sindoor on my forehead and we went out. Normally I talk but this time I was silent and he initiated a conversation and paid the bill. You all will now ask how he had money, This man is that intelligent. He dindnt tell me that he has a friend here who works and stays in london. He has gone to meet this guy the day he fought with me. He has transferred his INR to pounds and withdrawn money and gone out and then paid the hotel bills too. My head was paining the whole day the way he hurt me the pvs day and he immedliately massaged my head.

Today I have come to work. I said bye to him and asked him to eat wat ever he likes and never said the usual dialogue of eat this one, that one.Normally I call him after I reach work. But he called me to find out if I reached work. Now I am planning to call him just once or twice to find out if he is OK. And will stop the usual way of calling him a 10 times to find if he is ok and let me leave him to his track. Now he knows I have become a bit personal. I remember when he said I cant tell you all that I do . I always used to tell him wat all happend in my life and day to day events.

My question is- In this 8 yrs of love for him it was just me and he was so frank. when ever I ask abt his family he used to ignore it. I am before and after marriage always been frank, open and straight forward . He was before marriage this way but now he says he cant be like that and he is not been that way from childhood. Any ways as per your advice I have decided I wud never force him for anything any more and wait and c wat happens. I have applied for jobs on behalf of him as some one in this forum suggested without telling him. Lets c wat happens.

Thanks ladies.I will keep you updated as when and ask you more if required. Kudos to all those lovely ladies. I just cant be without checking this forum every day. This just relaxes my mind.

vijaybhas007 · Jun 6, 2008

hi,
be bold at this point of time and do not loose your focus.
Going by what you have said, both of you have not communicated properly when dating for 8 yrs, just nonsense gossip/chat.
could have discussed in detail about his relocating to UK, job, his family responsibilties etc very clearly.
Not having done that, now you suffer.
Just one thing, if he does not love you or live with you forever, you are the sufferer.
wait for sometime and sure he will come back to you, then discuss and sort the issue once for all.

preethi rao · Jun 6, 2008

Hello Prettywomen,

Hope & pray that he has come back now. Feeling very sorry for the state that you are in now. Waiting for someone we love in tact is a difficult task. Dont worry, he will surely be back and after his return, Pls do not fight with him, be calm and expalin him how worried you were.

Pls note that Money is not everything. Talk to him and if he wants to return to India, both of you together decide and make sure that you are also willing to returnto India. Maybe you indepence is troubling him, Men are like that - they want us to depend on them fr everything. So to continue your loving relationship - PLS put your wants aside for few days/months and together search out some job fr him.

Keep in touch with his family/friends. To start, call his sister, talk to her and be friendly with her. Maybe he would hv confided with them - if he is liking to stay at UK or not, find out - and you do not stop when he is around, pass the phone to him after your call.

All our friends has given u good advice, we all are concerned on your welfare. Pls do write back after his return. and remember do not fight soon after his return.

Bye/ see your mail soon.

Drpreethis · Jun 6, 2008

Hey prettygirl !!

Its very good that you got some kind of positive energy thu IL.. and it is really bad the way he has assaulted you.. You shudnt have let that happen.. why couldnt you move away wen he did that ?? you knew he was physically hurting you right ? Have you chekd urself with the physician..? ( The doctor in me makes me think about ur health!! ) Well.. you are a good person and belve us the energy called God will be ther for u thru out.. Its very nice that you looking out fr a job on his behalf.. and yes as I said keep it to urself.. You may never know what and when these men pullout egos and throw tantrums..
Mayb u could keep to urself and this could really get out the affection in him which is burried by his ego rite now.. Yeah suffocation can happen bcoz of too much display of love.. sometimes its better to be inexpressive .. never look upset for long coz that mite again lead to some kind of irritation.. but then play it low and never look cheerful quickly.. Jus dont overdo your love .. Best luck .. God Bless u..

prettywomen123 · Jun 6, 2008

Hi all,

Just to answer some of the questions that our dear ladies have asked. 8 yrs of love life was just not gosips and chat. I am a person who always wanted to come up to a good postion and build my career. During those days I was encouraging my hubby to find a job and build his career too. What I dont understand is that during those lovely days, for him I was the world and he never used to like his family. Even if his family phoned him, he would avoid and ignore them.But after marriage I just cant digest the change when every time he gets annoyed when I ask him to share his feelings. We dint have a honeymoon bcoz at that time there was a marriage proposal for my SIL and he being the elder brother had to do all the stuff at home. So honeymoon was cancelled. What I dont understand is when a girl as a wife does so much for her hubby why is this not being recognised by men? Why cant the simple words- sorry, thank u be used when some thing bad or nice happens?My married life is such that I go to work, come back, cook every day bcoz my hubby doesnt eat the same recipe the next day. Then watch telly for some time and then sleep bcoz I am tired cooking and working. I have seen many men loving their wife to the core atleast during intial 1 yr and doing all the pamper they can.Can you imagine a man saying- I will have sex with you after I earn money? As some one stated in this forum that inferiority complex could be a reason for such behaviour. I was unable to escape when I was hit bcoz at that time I only felt I failed in life and I need to die and let him kill me. I am in a position where I cant say al to this my family bcoz I am the only daughter and I fear they will say you chose this and you live with it. Before marriage my hubby had no friends nor relatives except me but now he has so many people immdlty after he got here.

I miss my spinster life and cant think abt getting it back any more but put up, pray to god and hope for the best.Cant women think that their man should be open, frank and straight forward and share their feelings with them?

asuitablegirl · Jun 7, 2008

dear prettywomen,

don't give up hope. a lot of time there has to be adjustment in the first year, please believe me. i dated my husband for a year and a half before we got married. it was ok but he was very angry over things that happened in his past, and he took this anger out on me. we both loved each other though and got married anyways.

you would think first year would be good for us. no, it was filled with tension. my dh would call me nasty names and just walk out of the house in the middle of the night. i would cry and cry everyday. he was trying to get settled in good job too and that made him very edgy. before marriage he hardly cared to talk to his parents, afterwards he seemed to care about them more than me. sounds a lot like what you're going through now.

eventually (after about 1 year) his anger faded away and he came to love and respect me so much. in time he also found a good job, which helped to boost his self esteem. today you would not believe how good he is to me. he never never never calls me bad names or shouts at me anymore. he treats me with so much care and love i thank god everyday for this. for us 2nd year was much better than 1st.

so what I'm trying to say is, right now things are bad for you, but be patient and give your dh space to figure things out for himself. don't let it come to the point where he is doing wrong things like hitting you. Your dh is probably having major ego issues, maybe he is embarrassed thinking he is failing you by not earning money. As for why he is not having husband/wife relations with you, he's probably too busy stressing about his situation to think about those things.i have a feeling your marriage will be much better when he gets well settled.

stand by him and wait it out. everyone thinks men are supposed to be strongest, but in marriage women have to be equally strong. don't wish for being single, you're his support, he needs you. :thumbsup

SoaringSpirit · Jun 9, 2008

Hi PrettyWoman123,

I am glad that you have decided to treat your husband normally and not shower him with too much love and attention. Love and attention in reasonable amounts should be enough.

I really think your husband is undergoing a severe bout of inferiority complex and depression due to his jobless state.

One thing I thought I must comment on is the physical abuse you are tolerating from him. I strongly think that you should NEVER tolerate hitting and punching ever again. I understand that sometimes people get out of hand with anger and have no control over what they are saying or doing. So YOU have to protect yourself from it. If you see the discussion escalating to a level where you can sense it is going to lead to physical abuse, please leave the room immediately. Tolerating physical abuse does not merely do physical damage but it damages your mind for a long time and sometimes the mental scars stay permanently and haunt you later. Do not take it lightly. In the heat of the moment we tend to inflict a lot of pain to ourselves and also tend to tolerate a lot of things from others. But physical abuse and hitting should NEVER be categorized under "ok-to-tolerate" category. So next time you see hitting coming your way, leave the room and do not subject yourself to it.

About why men do not recognize the contribution we women make. It is a long and debatable topic. Every woman at some point in time and in some area or the other has experienced this feeling of not being appreciated enough or having being taken for granted. In the end, the one thing we can do to improve things for ourselves is to stand strong for ourself, do things right by ourselves. At least we must not fail to support ourselves. I write umpteen times about being self-reliant and I think that's what helps us in the end. People slowly start seeing why we need to be treated well and sometimes people do change themselves in certain areas to make things better for us. So the key in all of this is to not let yourself down. Be fair to yourself and do right by yourself.

In your case you mention that all you do after coming home is cook, clean and watch TV which you find boring. So take it upon yourself to give yourself a break. Two days a week don't cook. Get food home on your way back from work. On those evenings use the time you would've spent cooking doing something you like to do - may be go for a walk together, read a book, listen to music, meet friends - something you like.

PreetyWoman, we can spend our time feeling bad about how our life is not going the way it should be, but we have to come to the realization that all said and done, nothing will change if WE do not force the change. And this change has to start from us. We have to start treating ourself well, start taking care of ourself physically and mentally, give ourselves breaks when we want. If we do not do the things needed to change our life positively then the loss is only ours. It is our precious years of life that are going waste. Give this a good thought. I know it is very very hard to implement but I firmly believe that this is the only sure way of getting where we want to be in life.

My best wishes for better times in your life.
SS

yenetishashi · Jun 10, 2008

dear pretty women,

iam glad at little positive change in u.
for one thing i was really upset was phusical abuse , that is not at all right thing :notthatway:
what exactly my thoughts of giving u advice were given by soaring spirit,:exactly::2thumbsup:
pls do read twice her advise and follow them ,definitly there would be vast change in ur married life.
now what u started doing is right of ignoring him and leave him and let him think of what to do to be happy together.

take care dear ,
hope u will be happy sooner,
cheers,
shashi.

PadmajaEdwin · Jun 11, 2008

Dear Pretty woman,

Nice hearing from u - i mean the mail which u wrote after the physical abuse.

I will never support men hitting women. It is an unforgivable sin. We should never encourage the same however more they loved/love us. When u leave it on the first day, they will simply take it for granted. That's a sort of male chauvinism.

As others have said he is having an inferiority complex and he is in great depression. Continue to behave as u have quoted in ur mail after the physical abuse. Don't pamper too much. Let him swim through and find a way. U have taken all pains which r not recognizable by him, means he is capable of finding a way. That doesn't mean u don't care him. Don't cook daily. Then ur whole life will be centered in office and in kitchen. Make him to adjust in life. Then u will have some leisure time to talk, to have a walk, to watch telly together etc.

Even though after this abuse, if he comes and tells sorry for his actions, just smile but make him understand deep in ur heart u have been hurt by his behaviour. Let him understand and better not to repeat it. If he does all these even after this 8 yrs of courtship means, he has not understood u properly. But don't ever complain the things to both of the parents. People will never support when we r in this type of distress. Our parents will blame our decisions and his parents will taken his side. That is world. It happens everywhere.

Don't expect recognition from him. When we expect and when we don't get the things in the same way we will be disappointed. Occupy urself completely. Do u have any good frds in office or nearby. From ur post i understand u r in UK for a long time. So u must be having some good old frds. When u r too tensed up, don't bottle them- but just vent out with ur close frds. Don't go at the back of ur husband and tell him u loved him like this and that and u love him now like this and that. Let him realise from the care u give and the things u do.

But i do hope, once he get a job, he will cool down. And things will improve my dear.

Till then, bye.
Padmaja Edwin.

yenetishashi said: ↑

dear pretty women,

iam glad at little positive change in u.
for one thing i was really upset was phusical abuse , that is not at all right thing :notthatway:
what exactly my thoughts of giving u advice were given by soaring spirit,:exactly::2thumbsup:
pls do read twice her advise and follow them ,definitly there would be vast change in ur married life.
now what u started doing is right of ignoring him and leave him and let him think of what to do to be happy together.

take care dear ,
hope u will be happy sooner,
cheers,
shashi.
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gisjul · Jun 11, 2008

Hi Dear,
Congratulations on your marraige.
The first year of marriage is the reality of life and you will get a picture of how your life will be in the future. It is in your hand how to shape future.
One main thing is maybe your husband is too frustrated about his job condition. A man will obviously not want to hurt his ego. It is his nature.
Please understand him. It is the main reason for his behaviour with you!!!! You know it. Maybe his parents and siblings are not so bothered about his career and are not pestering but maybe pampering him.:hiya
Just try to avoid putting decisions on him or asking him crucial questions.
What he needs is time and your moral support. Try to be with him in his desperate times but dont sacrifice yourself completely.
You can try looking out for jobs for him in his field with the help of some people there.
Slapping you was something stupid what he did. :iagreeI’m not sure was it in the heat of the moment that he slapped you did he apologize in return.
Life has just started after marriage there is a long way to go make your decisions carefully that you don’t have to regret.
This is your TESTING TIME in life. Take care.

gisjul
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