Relationship with MIL SIL deteriorating

Ha! It always fades... You will soon establish an equilibrium. Just demand respect. When random criticisms come up, the best response I've discovered is a bored sounding, "I'm handling it my way." I'll repeat the same line every time the critic expects a response from me. And I shall continue doing what I am doing instead of scrambling to do to the bidding of any of the highnesses.

And if anything rude is thrown your way, just widen your eyes, make eye contact and say, "That sounds a bit rude. I hope you didn't mean to say that and meant to phrase it differently." Roll your eyes; give a smile-less I-don't-care look and continue doing what you were doing. It helps put people in place without too much confrontation.

You want to do stuff in the kitchen, then, when someone comes to interfere, delegate. Figure out what you *have* to do and what someone else can do for you - wash up, chop veggies, make dough, get jeera from the store whatever. No need to make it into a power struggle. Be casual. Any unwanted suggestions, "I'm handling it my way" is the solution. Or "I want to experiment. Why don't you wait outside."

 

Most mils who have not been out to work and have solely been managing their households are quite obsessive about their homes, daily chores and maintenance. Don't be surprised if they expect u to keep a cup also at a certain angle. Yup, mil is that kind of species, cannot help! Strictly don't do 2 things:
1. Don't confront her because she will get defensive and outraged as well. Subtly tell her that u will manage household work and she is free to do other things now, she has worked hard for quite long now, she should relax etc
2. Don't bring it up with your husband. It will simply cause friction between u two because your husband cannot speak between mother and wife, it will lead to further severe problems. Instead, focus on finding peace within yourself and handling the situation yourself. If your mil still says do xyz like this, simply agree and say ok as u say! What u do later is your wish

 

Power struggles -bah.. Why don't mils realize, saas bhi kabhi bahu thi!

 

I agree. Been there. Done that. Sweetly keep repeating, "I'll make my own stuff. Don't worry." And do it your way.

 

Dear OP,

Above two things are absolutely right. I have learnt it hard way as there was no support like this forum when i got married.

About Oil and cooking thing....simply saying you cannot have such food nicely is a way to go. Old generation belives in oil and ghee a lot....i have this struggle with my MIL on an off. She find a way to feed me food with ghee in spite of me being badly overweight. They think Ghee and oil is needed for joints as lubrication. They do not say that in too many words...but all the senior citizens i know...i have heard this in many ways many time. So that could be reason behind ur MILs cooking too.

If u r working....just eat a little bit of what she cooks and at work get healthy food.

So i m guessing 'impacting my health' u meant to convey about body and not brain right?

 

Kitchen is the palace where reigns the queen..atleast MIL-s think that...my MIL does and it seems so does yours..

If it is effecting your health be politely firm about it...use words like ' I must' and 'I will' instead of 'May I' keeping your tone low...they work wonders...when I need to cook something I have used these words and usually they have worked...on such occasions she has kept her mouth shut and refrained from giving unsolicited inputs...

 

couldn't agree more...

 

Dear OP,

MILs will always be insecure of DIL and letting go of her control over the house! Its been almost 4 years now, still my MIL will give me instructions and try to teach me how to cook, how to ensure house is clean, how to manage maid, how to treat relatives and guests blah blah..
And yes, things have to be kept in certain way as she says!
1. If ur MIL is going to stay with u for few months/weeks, then let the drama go for sometime and act nice.
2. You cook as per ur preference. If she cooks or gives instructions to put more oil, tell her u cant digest oily food, u are getting acidity and doctor asked u to take plain food. If MIL wants she can add oil in her food as per her choice or u will add it.
3.Don't bring in ur DH, ur MIL will create issues on this and try to get his sympathy. So act nice but do things ur way with MIL. Listen but do it ur way. Let MIL cook for herself if she is not liking ur cooked food! I am sure u r smart enough to implement it!