How do you do it ?

Hi kriztina,



Firstly, don't give him a chance to raise his voice. If he does, stick to the statement asking him to first lower his pitch.

Important in a fight is not how high you raise your volume or how rude you can speak with other. What matters is how assertively you put forth your points and stick to them if you know you're right.

So, even with a cool and composed form, you still stand out a chance to win the argument. Just be assertive.

If you feel your arguments is going off track, bring it back on track. There's no point in fighting on a thing that happenned few weeks back.

Remember, you're arguing with your partner because you believe you're right on something and not he. So, always backup your arguments with facts. Try to prove your point.

If an argument is turning to a heated and abusive discussion, its better to leave that there. Let your partner say whatever he is saying. This will allow him to cool down. Just listen to him for a while and later, when he gets normal, explain to him everything silently and patiently. When someone is angry, his thinking and understanding capacity decreases. So stand a better chance of winning an argument when he is normal.

Well this is nothing new to tell, apologize, if you know you're wrong. Try not to repeat the mistakes. And yes, very importantly bounce back as soon as possible after the arguments end. Don't get affected from small arguments.

I hope these points help you somewgere.

 

I don't know what your husband mean by "to make you angry, I bring your parents". I believe its his way of seeking attention. Well, let's not bother about that. If he brings your family in next time, tell him to keep your parents out of it.

Also, it's okay to fight but important is that you finally make up with your partner within 24hours, cuddle each other, say sorry and move on. If something like this is happenning, I don't think so there's anything you need to feel bothered about.

Moreover, its not an art. These are just simple thing you should keep in mind while arguing. Its just clash of ideas that lead you to fight and arguments. So, objective should be to resolve the issue and not to show your dominance over your partner.

 

Here is my 2 cents. Anger comes not from one incident but is a combination of what is bottled up and when it snaps. At that time, what is important is:

1. Empathic listening: To forget our position and to truly listen to the other person without any background thoughts, any judgement. You don't have to agree to them, but to listen. Rephrase what they are saying to clarify.

"So you are angry because I mentioned your mother's fault. or you are angry because I spent too much time cooking and the food didn't turn out good and we couldn't go out either."


and leave it at that. You don't have to appoligize. Sometimes rephrasing like that, gives the other person a clarity on what they are conveying. Making sure they are heard and most of the time thats all people want. They want to be heard.


But:
Its difficult to achieve the above and we truly should be in that state of mind. For that, its important to feel good about ourselves. As a goal every morning, right 3 things in a notebook on what you are grateful for. Every night before going to bed, say a prayer or think about how the day went and what you were happy about.

When we think about the things we are grateful for, that others struggle with, we feel that some fights are not worth it, some anger is good to let go off in this world where anything and everything can go wrong.

Feel good about yourself and the life you are living. It will give you the power to forgive.

Also, play, run, have fun. Expend your physical energy in other places and you won't over-think about the things that bother you.


Its basically a lifestyle change. You have to commit to this, to see results and over time, it will become second natured.


I wanted to end with this:

Anybody can become angry - that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not within everybody's power and is not easy.
Aristotle

 

how about postponing the discussion till both of you are calm. Say lets meet back in an hour and we will discuss this.

 

Hi,
You said the silent treatment lasts for 3 days. i totally agree with you. we ladies usually try to resolve the fight as we cant stay all by ourself. we cannot turn the opposite side and sleep off. we cannot show "the i dont care" attitude. In the course of time we feel more neglected, we cry, we say sorry just to normalise the situation. well i feel when we are angry we say certain things. both are hurt by this. but it depends on a persons nature how fast they forget it and try to stay happily like before. In my case to avoid any argument i usually say ok ok ok for many situations. But i also make my point clear when it is really not ok for me to say ok. but some small petty issues i just say ok it was my mistake. in the long run my Dh has also started doing the same. these days even he says ok you are right just to avoid the argument. Never loose your self respect by saying sorry everytime. never expect sorry from him all the time. In between just try to balance this journey.

 

One super effective technique I picked up and practiced is this.

if my husband ever raised his voice - which is nearly never these days - I would say very calmly and softly, "please calm down. We can discuss it after you calm down." And i will go to another room. I would repeat the same thing if he tries to follow me. It takes a lot of effort to not respond to what he is saying but to respond to how he is saying it. An immense amount of self control is required. If it is important he will bring it up again but in a normal tone of discussion. When he does talk in a normal tone I do not interrupt even if what he is saying seems totally unfair/ unjustified. I take time to process my thoughts before I respond. If I were wrong / had upset him, I'd apologise. Else I'd explain.

Similarly, on occasion when I have been enraged with him, I have just said to him, "I am really mad at what you have done. I shall come back and discuss it once I've calmed down." I would use the time to formulate my thoughts, prepare a speech and talk. Tell him what exactly was unacceptable. Listen to his PoV and take it from there.

The most important point to change was to make sure that i wasn't blaming him for someone else's (read MIL) faults/ crazy talk/ actions.

Doing this just a couple of times has given my husband and me a much much better insight into each other.

 

Silence!

That is the correct reply to any argument.It is not being submissive..but do not eve react.Just keep silent.Let the other party yell and scream .then look at them calmly and just tell ONCE what u feel and then walk off.Then remain silent..It is a very powerful weapon.

They will feel guilty and come crawling back to u.