Is this common in the US? Please HELP..

Car pooling is quite common is the US.

 

Some really valid points there YM, but in this day & age, sometimes all it takes is a catalyst to trigger an affair, especially post marriage, no matter how 'nice & correct' the concerned couple is with each other.

What I've tried to gather from OP's posts here is that:
1. She is conservative in her thoughts on what is and is not acceptable behaviour, especially post marriage.
2. She has a deep-rooted fear that this exclusive car-sharing between that woman & her husband could be that catalyst that leads to an affair which could be avoided if the car-sharing is avoided. And fair enough. There's nothing wrong in her line of thought per se. Sometimes potential affairs CAN be avoided by avoiding catalyst situations, especially if the concerned couples are already insecure and prone to lying and basically not comfortable with certain situations.

 

OP,

I think you are over-reacting here. Car-pooling alone doesn't push people into affairs. YM is right in saying that one needn't be car-pooling to have an affair.

My colleagues have given me lifts in the past; my husband has given lifts to numerous men and women. We have been out for lunch / dinners / shows with different persons of either gender. None of them led to affairs. We've only made good friends in the process. Now years on, it is like we have a huge, happy circle of family friends...

Suspecting our husband needlessly, IMO would do more damage to your marriage than a random woman going by car with your husband. Also, I find that men tune out if women keep weeping. Annoyance sets in extremely quickly. Then the guy distances himself emotionally. (Well, I'm not an expert. I just understand this as my husband moved away from me in the initial years of my marriage when I had no idea how to handle conflict and would merely start my waterworks... I've heard about this from friends too. Frankly, I have once tuned out and moved away from a very unreasonably weepy friend of mine who just made me depressed without doing anything to make herself better... )

You need to not make a huge deal of this carpooling. You need to be confident in yourself. Make your husband feel he is trusted and cherished. Expect the same in return. Enlist your husband to help you become more confident. Take little steps consciously; and tell your husband that it would really encourage you if he could appreciate these little things you do. You and your husband need to work on improving your communication and relationship. A harmonious home where both of you feel cherished and loved should be your aim. Stifling someone and dictating whom they can be friends with won't help achieve that.

PS: Check up for resources online / in the library about how to be confident and secure in oneself.

 

Dear Op
Car pooling is not only common thing in US even it became routine thing in india or other countries too.
You know what I too faced same situation like you..I don't comment on others opinion or talk. I would like to share my experience as I see the situation almost similar to mine.
My dh works in shift schedules, very few females are working in this kind of environment.
Since I'm not comfortable with his past incidents and fights. I didn't agreed for car ride with his one of female colleague. He said this is last time i will give lift to her.
I didn't liked it..later i had argument and fight after 2-3 times ride. Finally he agreed to my wish.
After few days I came to know he lied to me and still car pooling with her. This time I didn't asked him directly but I'm not happy with things. Then I discussed with my mom and my mom suggested only one thing to me "start ignoring him in this situation, and stop nagging the things". As long as I fight with him. .he is becoming stubborn and liar. Finally I stopped asking him about her ..I got peace of mind and now I'm seeing positive vibes in him..so far I see he is not playing hide n seek again
NOTE: Sorry for long post. I want to share my experience.

 

Car seat sharing as a ''catalyst'' LOL.

Only if romance songs are removed from desi movies, these sort of misconceptions can be cleared.

 

Thats a very good idea.Here i was going round and round about how OP should find if another lady travels the same route and get this lady to carpool with her and so on. Duh.:bonk..

But this is more feasible. Hope you find a third person to turn their two's company into a crowd . If you cannot then also dont lose ur sleep over it just put ur efforts in building strong relationship with ur husband rather than wasting time on imagining and worrying about what could happen.

 

Really? Wow, then you must be right, your statement is indeed profound and wise.
Of course, how could 'exclusive' car sharing by two colleagues on a daily basis ever be a 'catalyst' for a possible affair. Absolute zero possibility of an affair there, you're so right..how could I not see it, my bad!! I'm glad you found it so funny

@Posters who've shared pleasant stories of carpooling: You're right in your own perspectives and experiences, all carpools obviously don't result in romantic dalliances. But unfortunately all people and their 'journeys' (figurative) are not alike.

Marriage dynamics vary from couple to couple. There're tonnes of married couples out there who would not be comfortable with such an arrangement for their own reasons. And OP happens to be just one of them. We don't know their story. If a husband is prone to lying or womanizing, some wives may not be comfortable with such a situation. Nothing odd about it.

 

agree with this.
It is one thing to give or take lift once in a while but to make it a daily arrangement is different.I have the perfect marriage but I wouldn't like my husband to have a carpool with only another woman on a regular basis.Not because I don't trust him,.....just that I do not want him spending so much time with another woman. I am jealous .Period.

The OP already has a history of distrust.Her husband agreeing to this arrangement knowing his wife is just an added irritant. His telling her he doesn't love her ,his insulting her and keeping the collegues feeling ahead of his wife's is something that separates this case from the " car pooling "experiences of other posters. How many posters would go out of their way to fight for car pooling with another man if they had a husband who objected and was suspicious by nature? Not many I guess.....

But I don't see what the OP can do without it turning into another fight . Ignoring him and working on herself seems to be the best at this time.

 

I understood in between that all the others who might join in the carpool of your hubby and that lady already do share car with other colleagues, so i guess there are several in your area who need to drive same time same direction, is it right? So isnt there then a high chance some of them are "mixed gender" car pools or female ones so she can join them? Or they can maybe join even both? Use the financial point, the more share the cheaper it gets.
If the kids car seats are a problem, unless your hubby and his female colleague dont need huge bags and your car is very lil just ask him if its possible to simply place the car seats in tha back of the car so that he can offer one more person a ride. Just mentioning it as i understood the car seat was the only reason he couldnt do so...

I would suggest for now to stay calm and wait (if suggestions wont work).... wait as she said she will do driving licence. So this should be technically a very short time solution by her, isnt it? If you dont see her taking any efford to get a driving licence the situation changes. Make sure you dont get emotional as this makes you vulnerable and he thinks he can take you for a ride or uses this as an excuse for him lying. I dont think there is ever an excuse for lying and that we know our spouse is upset with a particular behavior is a lot of things but not the reason to hide it! So keep yourself busy and happy.
Invite that lady for dinner after work or on weekends (maybe if possible with her hubby if she has one???) Would be nice opportunity to check on them and to get to know her bit better... make sure you and hubby are sweet to each other and treat with respect to make her understand there is no space for her between you both but be carefull it doesnt look like acting as she would smell then weakness... Best case is she is married happily and you see that occassion that she really is just scared of driving and has no interest at all in your hubby

 

i feel this car pooling is just a minor issue and you are suspecting a potential relationship which might not even happen...
i feel you have much deeper problems than this...
all you need is attention and respect which you are not getting from him...
as everyone said try to ignore this car pooling as of now and try to find out ways to be happy...
try to work on your relationship and gain his trust... its always easier said than done but there is nothing wrong in trying...
All the best