Help me save my marriage!!!

Hi Sunshine
First of all "Many Many Happy Returns Of The Day".
Now u r in India..don't bother about ur husband is not talking, as u told he is like that from before, Just ignore him n please start enjoying urself. U go for little shopping for ur home or buy some gifts for ur Inlaws( this way u can impress ur DH too).

Get some magazines which u used to read and catch up with old friends or neighbors.

My Sincere advice is Husband is not the end of the world..u be urself n give him some space, iam sure with ur sayings he will never leave u. so take a chill pill.

note : as iam writing for the first time, if u think i said anything wrong, forgive me.

 

hi ur husband is hurt , cheated and the resentment of living with someone who doesnt even love u will take years to wash away. be patient make him feel that u regret ur actions. be calm and composed. u have to show him in actions that he is the centre of ur life and ur relationship with him is important to u. he will love u. love and trust take years to build but a second to get destroyed. u destroyed it all even before u caould build it, so how can he trust u. give him time, to forgive u. be positive. all the best!!!

 

Hey Sunshine,

Just hang in there. Try to be happy. Can you connect with old friends? Do you have any relatives you can visit or talk to? Can you go to the movies or shopping with neighbors or someone you know? Just some things to divert your mind positively.

Well, many men change around their parents. You will observe this change even when parents visit you here (in your home). I think because of the way your relationship with hubby is right now, you are feeling the hurt more. Otherwise, if it were under normal circumstances, I am sure you would've taken it a little more lightly.

So just take it easy. You have bigger issues than this to worry about. So please don't trouble yourself with it. Just make sure you find other diversions and try to have positive interaction with some other people.

Don't get into a fight or argument there. It has all probablity of blowing-up into something much bigger than you'd like.

Take care.
SS

 

Sunshine,
I really applaud SS for giving you just the right support.

I was too busy in other things and never really got chance to read this whole thread further.I tried to read the whole of thread once again to get the perspective. And I think you are missing one big point. My response is for overall development of this thread, not to most recent post.
Do you know your major problem lies with you than your husband? You are constantly looking upto him to behave normally after a near death experience for a relationship. I am not justifying his verbal abuse by any means. All I am trying to give you is a break from a "I am suffering" state.You are really not the sufferer here. It's HIM in bigger measure than you. You have atleast guilt to absolve you from suffering.
He doesnot even have that. When we commit a character mistake, then it's almost undelible from people's mind. Especially if the guy in question has sqeuaky clean image.
So in my eyes , you have only two choices, One to continue. other to just end it. In between there is no third choice, that keep trying for a year and then leave it. I think even mentioning that to your husband is like telling, you feel empowered enough to leave him despite of him bearing it somehow.
Have you ever visualised how you would have behave if it was other way around. Means he reaching out to his ex-gf and fooling you on your back? You really need to. You have list of pains to complain about. What about this guy's broken self, which is at crossroad for no fault of his. You have problems like, he s not giving attention to you, or he spoke wrong words. What about your actions, You actually tossed his worth in his eyes and placed on Mr X's feet. Is that justified? He is dealing with it everyday. And chances are he will have this wound for life. But how you both help each other heal is what matters. Either you are in a relation or you are not. There is nothing like if you show positive result, then I am in, else I am out. When you put that condition in black and white, you are trying to strike a deal. Matters of heart and faith are way beyond bargain. You can not define them like that. If you do, its big mistake in itself.

Half the time we are solving small issues of life and messing bigger issues. So if you see, you want him to even be cautious while choosing words. And you are forgiving yourself for all pain of nine years inflicted on him. We tend to be generous with our ownselves. It s easy to justify our mistakes than to admit them. I feel somewhere you are expecting a quick turn around in nine months for hurt of nine years. It doesnot happen like that. Your expectations are unreasonable in timely factor. But with this I do believe that things will turn around, if you just dont focus on winning every day's issues. Its about not who wins. Its about how you complete your journey of life.

With mentioning all that I dont mean to make you feel bad.I just want to bring the wholesome perspective here. Its very important for us to complete that very first step of genuinely accepting our mistake. I find you stuck there with your husband. He doesnt feel you really are sorry about it. Once he will be convinced, his respect will start coming back.

ria

 

Hi Sunshine123,

I hope you have a good vacation. Your husband is having a hard time forgiving you. Unfortunately forgiveness comes easily for some and not for others. I also find it very hard to forgive and forget and I really wish I had to ability to easily forgive and forget. In a way both you and your husband are suffering. I benefited a lot by taking the Art of Living course. Do try to take the course.

I also wanted you to be cautious about your posts on IL. IL is a good place to vent your feelings and we have wonderful folks like SS who are great counselors. If your husband reads your posts on IL, he may feel more insecure. It is very easy to monitor a persons computer. So please do be cautious. Good luck.

Thanks,
Kavya.

 

Dear friends,
Yes i do agree with Kavya's post. I wanted to write this some time earlier itself. My husband and myself were spending sometime in pc doing people search. To my great shock when he put my name for search in google search, it landed up in my post in IL. I was so shocked. So people can very easily track us if we r writing in our name or even part of our name. So ladies, better be careful.

Regards,
Padmaja Edwin.

 

Sunshine,

I see your willingness to work this out. But there is one thing we can never enact no matter how much we try. Thats sincerity in effort. Your efforts are out of your desperation to set things right from the word go. Well we can spoil things at our leisure, but we cannt correct them ASAP. These are deep wounds and they take time. Expecting it to return output immediately is like expecting an undernourished newly born to suddenly put on weight. It wont happen like that.

I would just say, be patient and be sincere in your efforts.Rather than listing down his turn around expressions. Synch in the hurt done and live it through. You are trying to evade it and somehow get over it, that s why you are not hitting the nail on the head. He NEEDS to feel that you are living his pain, you are really disappointed by your past actions. Once a person get truly convinced that his spouse has synched in his being, he can never dettach from the harmony of it.

If my words sound vague to you, think deeper. All I mean is, Have you really looked at it truly from his side. If not do it, do it and share it with him. Once he s convinced of it, he will slowly show signs of forgiving you. Right now, he still feels , he s living out of compulsion, not out of love and empathy.

Having the Plan-B in such things dont help. It simply gives us a reason to not be truly sincere in our efforts. If he doesnt show positive signs, let time prove it rather than you planning for it and stating it out.

Hoep this helps
Ria

 

Hi Sunshine,

First of all…a jaado ki jhappi for you!!!Don’t worry everything will be alrightJ
Whatever happened can be fine in a moment...just keep yourself cool...do some meditation and think about yourself...think about your hobbies...try new recipes for your family... ask your in laws what they want to do…go out with them!!! Try to grow relation with them… get busy in that for now…
If you cant go to meet your sisters or friends…call them to your house(in law’s house)!! Ask your MIL or SIL to join them. Never tell anything bad about any of them to your family or friends. Be friends with your son. Do everything slowly. Not all of sudden. All of sudden so many changes make things dramatic…I am not asking you to be very low. But don’t try to show yourself very happy.Be as normal as casual as you can...
Keep mailing your hubby. Dont write anything about you but write about their family and your son. He may ask you not to mail… or may abuse you but tell your son\MIL \SIL or anybody from family was asking to inform HIM…
In this way following things will happen for sure:
Ø You will be busy
Ø You’ll be happy.
Ø You will come out of pressure of pretending something

It may possible:
Ø You’ll get love from your in Laws
Ø You’ll get a companion as your son.
Ø Last but most important, your husband may start feeling a soft corner for you again


Live your life with love…if you’ll give love …you’ll get that …
Now give true (not the artificial oneJ ) smile for me and all your friends…
take care buddy!