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Anyone living with cheating husband?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by aamini, Jul 2, 2014.

  1. aamini

    aamini Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks yellowmango for supporting me so much.

    Yogirl and SGBV- I still feel guilt of what i have done.
    I tried as many ways I could to pay for this. I never had food on all tuesdays for these 8 years...except for 1 yr in between when i was pregnant and feeding. Everyone knows I dont eat on tuesdays in my family and office. Ofcourse not the reason. I am not saying i advertised i never left that. Tuesday was the day I did.

    I know I cant wipe away my sin by that. I have done that - what to do? How can I correct that?

    Yes, even I thought why he accepted for others and not mine. One reason i got also because it is his kid. I also thought he really got affected by that act. So only when i came to know even his mom also had done twice I didnt tell immediately to him. I thought he wil be shattered that two women he loved have done this mistake. But when he was criticising me that u cannot be even given water in our house for the act u have done. I asked will that hold the same even if his mom had done.
    He just told it would be in agreement with his father. He didnt even thought of reason behind it. His only justification was it was in agreement with father?

    So if guy is in agreement ? Abortion is right? If he is going for campaign is it like he is against for this act at all right? but when forgiving only it comes to his own blood.

    Just in case, he is sleeping with "n" number of ladies. Though he is very careful by some mistake like what had happened to us earlier. If any of those lady will get pregnant will he marry her? I mean prostitute/ or someone's wife?

    We have in-house maid. I am paying 10k for her. I dont find much difference between her and me. May be i am like manager for her. She also has a good room nothing less than ours and good bed. She eats same as ours. She has the independnce to call his family however times she want. She can buy what she needs from her own earned money.She can watch whatever she want on TV if it is free.

    She cannot change anything in home like curtains, arrangement, buy anything for home of her choice. I am in the same case. I cannot take any decision at home. He never consulted me when he buying things of more than 10k atleast. Though I was only earning. I never asked one word on that. I never gave a single rupee to my parents even when they were in trouble. I never gone to my parents home without his permission. I hardly go there. We both are in blore but i wud have gone 2 in a year or so for 3 hrs or so each time. His siste will be 75% of time in her mom's place and 25% only in husband's place. His mom even now she decide anything and everything consulting her brother and sister. She never cares or even given respect to his dad. I didnt go single day to parents home during pregnancy and nor my mom was allowed to give me food. Again we both are in same city. I was on bed rest for 3 months and all i had was masala dosa from shop. I was all alone at home in darkness (oftern power cut was there) and raining day when I was 8+ months preg in a independent house when he came after 1AM. He will send me to my mothers place whenever he goes out for office trip. that too only night i shud stay and shud come back to home morning even when he is not there and no office for me.
    I should not talk in my language and see any TV channels in my language.

    I was taking all these as punishment for my act. Whenever I see his sis and mom, i feel they are very lucky even after doing same mistake they are still living great. I am just telling these for ur point that i didnt even think about the mistake i did.

    You know when i asked for reason he did now. He told he accepted I am good than any other girl, I am taking care of family, I never shown high or head weight just because I am earning, I am always very subtle, I am giving good respect for his family and caring them. He has no complaints. But still he will go because I aborted and came as slave. He didnt have one single reason after marriage.

    One more point if it helps u, till now after marriage of nearly 5 yrs I was only taking family expenses. Including sending to his parents. I gave all my jewels and got more than 20 lakhs loan for his business. I never told one word against. I left my easy going job to be with him and suffering to work 12-15 hrs a day to get good salary. Doing overtime to manage home. May be I am only paying for his prostitute visits also.

    One small example...i didnt show much interest in other replies where everyone scolds him. But was looking for someone to tell in another perspective. just i wanted to know will there be any true from his side to tell this as reason.

    Now also I am reading and trying to find all possibilities that what he told is right... whatever happens he cant forget that? Is that real? whether it can happen for some psychological reason? I am going for counselling only for clarifying these doubts. I wanted to help him if he really has issue in forgetting that.

    But incase if I get sure, that he is making use of guilt feeling for his act. That is the end. You know how badly his mom treats his dad. I donno what difficult she had with him. I give my husband so much respect. If i get confirmed he is misusing . I would like to show how others will treat if u r this. Nothing criticising like his mom (which is not my nature), but will take my own decisions.

    I will not divorce and give him freedom. No one will believe that he is like this. He looks very smart and like gentleman. He prays and chants for minimum 45 minutes per day. Very spritual. So if i leave, there will be many to feel sympathy and give girl for him again. I will have my own freedom as single being in marriage .

    You know what? I have full support from his mom.dad and sis. Do you think they will support me if I am not being good to them. Again not because I am having money. His mom is earning and they are good enough to live themself in retirement with her pension even if she retires. I will pay only for additional expenses like family temple functions and some personal expenses for his dad which he dodnt want to get from his mom. So do not mistake them. They are very good.

    Yes, if I am breaking my promise that i will be only slave and he can be however he wants. But before marriage he told me he will be "Raman even If I am not Sita" . He told even if I am not sita is when I told I cant promise I will be same if you are not raman. Then he told I am not conditional...i will be raman even if u r not sita. After marriage , first night he told he woulf forgive and we will start a new life now. He will be raman again. He promised thrice he will be raman after marriage. Not when i caught him. whenver there is a argument for anything, the last thing i asked was that. And whenever he was happy when he asked me what I need- that was the thing i asked.

    He knows that is the only thing I asked him when he proposed me first. He knows that was the only thing I asked when he asked for sex before marriage. when i told no he told he thinks me as wife and I am not thinking him husband and thats why i am not ready. Ok i dodnt want to complain that he was the only reason. When he told this I was flattered and accepted. But he promised me he will marry whatever comes. "whatever" is not only opposition from his family...it can be any condition like mine. Sita is representative of any good things... i was not sita for doing abortion. What all those promises had gone???
     
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2014
  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear OP...have you ever separated from him.....gone and lived with parents for long time.
    Try doing that.Tell him you can no longer bear the cheating and womanising.So you are leaving with your daughter. Tell his family too. Let them know you care for them but you can no longer bear the hurt any longer. Tell him and them you don't want your daughter to think that all men are like her father and that what he does is acceptable.Tell them you want to be a strong role model for your daughter ....so you are leaving.Practice this speech before hand in a firm controlled voice. No crying...no arguing.Tell them you are informing ...not negotiating.

    Stop giving money to him/them...

    Your family stays in the same town....so your job will not get effected.You don't want to divorce....fine .But start respecting yourself and demand respect for yourself.Demand respect for the mother of your daughter.

    Let him know what he is losing ....or lost. Don't negotiate but just watch.See if there is any change in his behavior ....Even if he doesn't stop cheating,demand respect from him to be able to see you ,stand in front of you or talk to you. Your respect should not depend on whether you are willing to live with him or not.Watch and review your situation after some time.
    Keep your mind open about your future. Let him know that.There are enough men who don't exploit women .
    Best Wishes.
     
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  3. JustLikeYou

    JustLikeYou Gold IL'ite

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    So you are that moral police? How did you get the idea that pre-marital sex is cheating? Who are they cheating?
    How is abortion cheating? Who are they cheating?
    OP is the one who is got pregnant and going to carry, not her parents or BF. She has 100% rights to take decision for her body.

    If OP was totally selfish, she would have married a different guy and lead a normal life. She wouldnt have wanted to marry the guy with whom she slept. She wouldnt have stooped to the extent of becoming his slave.

    Somehow yogirl understands that the boy is truly feeling guilty by sleeping around but OP is selfish.

    I am speechless by this response.....


    (Note: I am not a supporter of abortion unless the pregnancy is dangerous to the woman. However, everyone has the right to decide what is best for them)
     
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2014
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  4. JustLikeYou

    JustLikeYou Gold IL'ite

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    AAmini,

    May be your husband is deeply affected by his mother not treating his father right???
    May be he is using your guilt to lead his womanizing life???
    May be he couldnt punish his mother for aborting so he is punishing you instead, you are a woman after all????
    MAy be his family likes you because you give them money and take care of this wandering son whom they themselves dont care much about?????

    Why are you not helping your own parents?????
    AFter your parents die, will you live the rest of your life with the guilt of not helping them in need just like the guilt that you have now for aborting??????
    Why do you think abortion is such a mistake?????

    Why do you care less about your daughter's present & future?????
    Dont you think she deserves a better life???
    Dont you think she needs to see a world where women are respected ?????
    Why do you care so much about your life as a wife to your cheating husband????

    Like many women mentioned here not most men cheat. Not most women stay in the marriage. I know in my own family circle, a woman left her husband when she a 3 month old daughter when her husband constantly doubted her of having EMA. To her, her self-respect was the most important thing in the world. She was not employed and was jobless at that time. Her daughter grew up to be a successful person.
    Dont you want this for you daughter?????

    If you truly regret the mistake of aborting, you would focus on what you would have gotten out of it, which you have now, which is your most precious daughter.....

    Please have some respect for your daughter if not for you.....
     
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  5. somehurt

    somehurt New IL'ite

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    All I can say is "There is no such thing as true or unconditional love."
     
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Amini

    I did not judge you for your pre-marital sex or abortion. Although I have different views in this, I don't want to judge anyone here. I think no one can judge anyone based only on their views. Afterall, this is not the court, and we are not the judge here.

    I was angry on you, because of your foolish decisions everytime.

    First you made a wrong decision to have a pre-marital sex
    Then for abortion
    After that to plead your H to live as a slave
    Now to giving in to his chauvinist acts and restrictions
    Finally to accept and love him even after his EMA- that too with multiple partners.

    Now you say, you are finding a psychological reason behind his act, and trying to forgive him. This is yet another biggest wrong move my dear.

    Would you or anyone forgive a murderer because of his past psychological trauma?

    He is a womanizer. Whatever the reason may be. The fact is, a womanizer can not be a good husband and a good dad. Period.

    Like in the past, don't bend over back ward for others and continue to make wrong decisions. It will surely affect you and your kids in the future.

    You are a working woman. You have kids. You have parents living close by. You have understanding in laws. What else you need?

    Move out of his house. Join your parents. Continue to work and run the family as you are doing it now.
    Inform everyone about his affairs
    Tell him that you can consider reuniting only if you are convinced that he is no longer womanizing.
    Get yourself checked first. Because your husband is enjoying with prostitutes.

    He will never change if you keep on funding his prostitute visits. Get over from your guilt. Yes, you did abortion. It was wrong.. You apologized, you fast, and you did everything possible. That should be it.

    Now he is doing more serious damage to your heart/marriage. He needs to apology first, then he should fast daily to overcome his sin. Tell him firmly.

    If he changes, its good for you. Else, it is very good for everyone. Because your life is more worth than this marriage. Don't make yet another mistake like in the past. Cheers
     
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  7. aamini

    aamini Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks ALL. Feeling much better.
     
  8. aamini

    aamini Bronze IL'ite

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  9. MrsBV

    MrsBV Gold IL'ite

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    All i can say is OP, he is using your guilt really well. I mean if you look at it he is a lucky guy, he can get away with sleeping with n number of women by always playing on your guilt. YM has given you an excellent suggestion of at least trying to separate from him. I do believe that your DH is only taking advantage of your guilt to do what he wants and never be faithful to you. Dont let him continue with that or you will never earn your own respect, forget his.
     
  10. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    OP..
    tears rolled down my eyes after reading your response..
    You are truly repenting and punishing yourself too..

    If you have realized your mistake, then I don't think there is a need for you to wait for your husbands forgiveness..He is also a part of mistake in some way.
    You have done enough and according to your posts he still likes\respects you for your family involvement\finances and is a good father.
    I think you should move ahead and do as you like..for ex:visit your parents, plan outings, etc by leaving the guilt factor.

    Tight hugs to you.
     

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