Homemakers and Working Women

Hello Kamalji
I had this topic in my mind& wanted to bring it but u were faster than me. Well written from <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comffice:smarttags" /><st1lace w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">Ur</st1:City></st1lace> point of view but I don’t agree with it.

I don’t think that working & raising family are mutually exclusive.

Hundred of thousand women all over the world are doing it & most of the time doing it very well.

I have seen in my carrier life most of the time an educated working mother is much more aware of good upbringing of the children’s life with more attention to their education, psychological & emotional needs & support. It is true that they themselves may be under more stress than a homemaker one.

They are more friendly & understanding of the changes in teens & adolescent age group.
If one does a random survey I am positive that most of the toppers in any institute are those who’s both parents are working

I have very nearly seen in my profession where women are home maker but the upbringing of their kids in every aspect be it nutritional, educational, psychological needs they most of the time are not up to it. Becoz in Indian society where women are home maker they are dependent on husband for any opinion & decisions to be taken & cant voice their say most of the time ( I am not saying always ) While a working lady Can take decisions on her own regarding the upbringing of child.

I always was present in their schools functions, Parent teacher meetings & all .Me rather than my HB was the one who used to have all talks with teachers & school admin.

For a working lady with even odd hours of working I can say that Raising my daughters were my first priority even with my job & To day I can say that both of them are ideal daughters to us & Both voice same statement that mum we r proud of u & we love u most.
.Regards.

 

Kamalji
I finished reading your article and all comments and your replies also. So everything is already said for both sides of the debate.
I only want to add, there is no only one uniform formula for everybody. All mothers want to give their children best care only. According to their own life's patterns they will choose what to do. Many ladies go to work and also take care of children nicely. Some women have support of mothers or mother-in-law. Some use boarding school. When everything goes very well and child is coming out smart and successful, everyone will say " wah ! that mother is super woman" if something little bad happens, they will all blame her as bad mother. The child becoming a good citizen and all is 50% family influence and 50% society influence. In same family also, one child can be good, one can be bad. I will tell one example: Kasturibai and Gandhiji's sons.
Mother only is blamed for everything . But when child is successful, they always tell Father's name. Nice "Man's World" this is, what to do.

 

Kamalji,

I am actually itching to write, I couldn't stop myself and this may not be answers to your 5 points. I am home maker by choice after kids who was working before kids and I really do not want to debate on either sides. What is forcing me to write is no where in either of the two sections does any one speak of intellectual stimulation and life lessons - isn't that very important for the very upbringing of a child and to make him/her a better human being so that he/she can pass it on and a better society evolves? Why does education always gets value (translates to money) only when money is involved? Education is not supposed to just serve that purpose. If that were so, why do we have languages, arts and literature as part of any curriculum? One has to understand that each and every mother does her best for her child in her capacity and the choices she makes are hers and could be deliberate or incidental. Just because you don't work doesn't mean you don't raise confident kids and vice versa. The way a child turns out cannot be totally blamed on one parent - because I do personally agree that it is the responsibilty of both the parents in cohesion with so many other factors that play a role, for raising a child into a good human being.
I have known a lot of people where dad stays home to take care, moms are home makers both by choice and because of lack of support/help, some moms work and retire when the kids are teens because they think the kids need them the most then and then there are many moms who take 3-4 years break and then resume and ofcourse I have known stay at home moms/working moms all their lives with kids in their mid 20s now who have never regretted their decisions.

I am trying to get back to work now and the only reason I am hesitating is - I want my kids to enjoy holidays and summer breaks, they become more important when you are staying away from family and don't get hoidays to celebrate festivals etc, it is a different scenario if a joint family concept is intact along with the nuclear families. The kids might love going to daycares but how will they know that there is another choice if they are not even exposed to it? But then that's my outlook and my own personal situation.

Finally, the way a child turns doesnot depend on whether one parent was working or both were - so many factors are involved as we all understand. It is totally unfair to blame one parent, no doubt about that. And yes this is one debate which can never be settled one way or the other.

And Thanks to you, I got to put in my two cents.

 

Couldn't resist replying here.

My views slightly differ from that of others.

Earlier the circumstances were different and the mother alone used to bring up the child while the father worked/toiled out to earn the bread for the entire family. This was also possible as they used to have joint family set-up and there were many people in the family where the children nor the parents came to know how the children grew up...with so many family members and neighbours around. That time there wasn't so much competition and moms were happy being home-makers. Even if there were professionals they used to be back home at a reasonable time.

Now with so much competition and work pressure at office there is no fix time for a person to return home...and when they come they are too tired and stressed out to think anything rationally. So there is no way that they can spend quality time with the kids. (for many of them...though not all)

Whether both the parents are working or not...but the important point is to spend quality time with kids and how you behave with them. After certain age you need to be friends and there should be thin line between being a parent and being a friend. Time should be given by both the parents. Also now the concept of family time is also ceasing. After certain age kids don't want to go around or spend time with their parents but they want to be with their friends.

How many of you have meals together breakfast, lunch, dinner. This helps in bonding. I have seen that many husband are either with newpaper, files or cell phones even on the dining table....and so do many wives do the same. But how many of you say that these 15-20 min. is for us and no other disturbance at this time. Have anyone of you noticed that the bonding that happens over the dining table and kitchen counters can never happen anywhere else in the house.

When we talk of equality ...how many husbands share the work load with their wives. Coz if she is working to help you make both ends meet are you helping her to lessen her workload or does she have to do everything i.e earning, taking care of the house, raising kids and looking after the extended family.

While planning a family...have you given a thought for the pros and cons of having/raising kids or just because of societal reasons you want to have kids. Are you ready to take up that added responsibility in every way....financial, emotional etc etc.

Kids can also be affected adversely if you try to impose your thoughts and decisions on them. So even if you say "humne hamari puri zindagi bachon ke pichhe laga di" but still they are not happy with us....so you need to analyze where you went wrong.

In 1993 i used to work for a firm in Bandra...it was run by a marwadi couple. Many a times the driver used to bring the kids to office from school and a couple of times i heard the wife asking the driver why he brought the kids to office...he said saab ne bola tha....she used to send the kids packing to her husbands cabin and tell him you called them now you take care of them.bonk

So the basic is working or non-working moms...if you plan a family first plan or set your priorities right. Don't expect your parents or in-laws to look after them as sometimes because of failing health they also find it taxing to take care of kids especially the kids these days are so hyper active that they can't keep up pace with them. They have already raised you...so you raise yours.

I was reading an article on Shobha De today...she was asked how she balances her work and personal life so well. She said i don't go to too many social dos only a couple of them. The next question was but we see you so often ...she said that whichever do i have attended have been publ;icised so people feel that i always party. But she prefers to be at home with her daughters. And if all are every busy then they accompany each other while travelling so the travelling time is utilised to bond.

I think i have written more than you Kamalji...excuse me for that.

 

Hi Kamalji,
I have been reading your posts for some time now... this is my first feedback.

In the opening post of this thread you wrote

Continuing the above "logic" I am tempted to ask "Why should women get married in the first place?"

We as a society have changed how we bring up girls... but not how we bring up boys. Indian men remain "boys" long after they get married... They seem to be raised thinking that being a "bread winner" (in many cases not even the sole bread winner) is enough!!!!


Gayathri

 

Yes Kamalji, there are so many parents who neglect their kids or maybe for them and their society its a fad to keep the kids with ayahs and nannies while they go their own way.

And it is not necessarily that these are working parents. But they are more interested in their so called friends and parties etc. Even couple exchange program.

What do you expect the kids to learn from such parents and theier so called guardians.

I also know of kids who say that it was you who wanted us we didn't say bring us in this world. So now why crib if we ask for some of your attention.

i am much younger to you and learning a lot from your blogs...what i have written here is just what is see around me.

Thanks
Roopa.