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Upset with Husband

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by shawrup, Jun 3, 2008.

  1. PadmajaEdwin

    PadmajaEdwin New IL'ite

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    Dear Sowrup,
    I read all the mails. Yes it is really a mistery why he couldn't take u for vacation but could do with his father!! Another one, it looks like as if u don't know the place of visit even. U r simply racking ur brain by their clues like 'it is expensive' etc. Don't u think there is something misterious. I couldn't come to a conclusion about the nature of ur husband by seeing the above things. I don't think he is a miser. But initial 4 yrs is a long long period in someone's life - that even u had a honeymoon with some X which is again odd to note.

    Anyone at this place will be upset and angry. But as frds said don't bottle them up. Whatever it is - let it be a fight or a calm talk - but clarify urself and ur expectations with ur husband. But not infront of his parents. Immediately they will try to take his side and u will be left out. As far as myself it is always better to open out ur feelings or expectations to ur husband when he can't understand on his own. Go out on a weekend and talk with him. Otherwise we will have a hatred and an angry feeling for each and every acts of him and the people connected with him. Unnecessarily we will judge people correctly or not according to our prejudice in our minds and finally it will end in commotion and mess. According to his views and replies u can plan for a family, otherwise u will go into depression in the meantime. In one way it is nice and better u r working, otherwise u would have become mad. Try to save some money for ur sake and try to invest in some areas like flats in india or in land so that u will have some security. When the husbands r not caring we have to take care of ourselves. But don't judge or come to a conclusion without having an open talk with ur better half. Hope the things will be solved amicably.
    Bye
    Padmaja Edwin.
     
  2. shawrup

    shawrup New IL'ite

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    Thank you all for the wonderful valuable advices.. i really appreciate all taking your time to reply the post. Your time will not be wasted i will use the advices i have received and take charge of my life. My husband is worried about money because he had planned to open up a business with one of his friend and the business did not go well...the buseinss did not even start and it was failure from the franchize side. my husband and his friend did lost money. anyway to make very long story short... What upset me the most about my husband is that he was worried about money before the business stuff, after the business. We did lose money and for that reason we had BOTH decided to watch the expenses, and save up for what he lost. it hurted me and felt so unimportant that he planned a vacation with his father even thogh we both decided to watch the expensive and save up. I felt that he is doing this money saving stuff just with me.....people who are really want to save up they would stay home and relax, instead of going for no reason.... he did not took me on vacation because we had decided to watch the expenses.....and we BOTH decided to go somewhere local or something that does not cost.... and all i wanted to do is just me and him and no one!!! i will try all my level best to stay calm when i m speaking with him over the phone, when i pick him up from the airport.... i will let him know that i want to talk with him alone...... MY husband's friends are telling me stuff that he did not do right by going on vacation, in that case i tell him that i have a lifetime with my husband and it's okay for him to spend 1 month with his dad.... i don't discuss any of this stuff in this post to anyone..........
     
  3. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Shawrup,

    Great going. I see a positive note in your last post.

    Everyone has given good advice and i hope it helps you to come out of the situation that you are in.

    A couple of points from my side to ponder:

    - Did he loose the money in business before marriage or after
    - Whey did he not take his mom on vacation...did she know all along about their plans or was she too inthe dark.
    - Are your in-laws too citizen or GC holder
    -Your salary stays with you or your husband has its control.

    How is your rapport with your MIL....do you get along well. What is her reaction to this trip. She didn't go on her own accord or was she not invited.

    Use the foll. technique for problem solving. Click on the link.

    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/forward-messages-and-jokes/17011-how-to-solve-problems.html

    Also, i agree that exploding may not help much....but definitely talking with confidence and no nonsense approach will help. You mentioned that your husband cries and says i love you....but does it also reflect in his day to day behaviour also or are these empty words to mellow you down for the time being....then we call this emotional blackmail.

    To start with you can definitely plan holidays during non-peak season...this way it will be less expensive and easier to get holidays as everyone takes off during the long weekends or other holidays. Do keep your husband in loop by informing him that you are planning a break for the two of you and that if he has any suggestions or is he ok with what you plan. Then you can keep the plan a surprise so that he does not tag his parents along. (this has happened to others)

    As far as starting a family is concerned, i feel you both should be on the same page with regards to your life...if you are not compatible then bringing one more life in this world may add to more problems specially financial.

    When you talk to your husband be calm and composed...try to hold on to your emotions...let him not take advantage of your emotions or some weak moments which can be of disadvantage to you.

    Most of the issues discussed in this forum by IL friends...i feel one thing that each one needs to know is?

    What do they consider of the instituion called marriage.
    Why did we marry
    What are the expectations from each other.
    what did they want/look out for in their life partner
    What did they see in each other when they chose you as their life partner.

    These last few points are for all to ponder.

    All the best.
     
  4. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Shawrup,

    I totally understand your situation. I also understand your huge disappointment that comes with husband not including you in his plans or at least talking to you about why he is doing the opposite of what you guys had planned (to cut down on vacations and save money).

    You are right in feeling bad. All I think you need to change is to feel bad only for a little bit, not hold it for long and then take charge of the situation rather than trying to change your husband. He will change for sure, but only when your actions show that you are capable of handling certain things on your own. If you just talk to him about this, I feel it will not help much. The main thing is to have a plan for what “you” are going to do about it. Sure, ask him nicely what happened to the cost cut down you had decided about. When it comes to spending on parents most people (including men) do not want to flinch. So if you ask him why he took the vacation with his Dad, he will mostly likely get defensive. Ask him about it but as a plain question not in a disappointed tone.

    My suggestion to you in all of this is to take things in your hands, plan a small outing with him someplace close by and have fun. Only if he vehemently opposes your plans should you get into a long talk. Otherwise ask a few questions about his money worries, ask him what he thinks about your current finances and most importantly, analyze for yourself whether what he is saying makes sense or not. Some people are more cautious than others when it comes to spending money. May be he is looking at the money situation as little too bleak than it actually is. So assess for yourself what you feel about your finances and tell him that this is what you think. And together make a plan. Make sure your talk does not turn into a complaining session. A short talk coupled with big actions will drive home the point much more effectively.

    The reason I mentioned about not listening to the negative comments from friends was because sometimes when some third person agrees or says something that you are already feeling, it just makes that feeling all the more strong in your mind. I know that most of us women are very mindful about what type of information we share with friends and others. So it is not like you are bitching about your husband with your friends (believe me, some of it is okay too! J). All I wanted to do was to caution you so that the negativity does not become deep rooted.

    Cheer up! You can easily change this situation in your favor. You are blessed with a husband who loves you, you both work and so you have a steady flow of income coming in, you live in a country where opportunities are abundant, you are young and healthy. You have so many things in your favor. You just need to work on this one little habit of your husband. You can easily do it.

    My best wishes to you.
    SS
     
  5. Srividhya Ramadurai

    Srividhya Ramadurai New IL'ite

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    Hi Shawrup,

    I understand what you are undergoing. I feel the root cause of all this is EXPECTATION. Cut down on your expectations, take out the positive points in your husband's nature.
    You are working, so try to save your salary or part of your salary every month. Take the lead or the initiative to find out what holiday you want to have, the expenses etc.. Once you have saved enough for that, take a holiday of your choice with your hubby.

    Your hubby seems to be a very sensitive, docile person, an obedient son, a verrr....yyy loving husband from what you have mentioned. Do not let negative thoughts enter your mind and ruin your married life.

    Try to form friendly groups within your area. So, you get to have some kind of a get together with families during weekends.

    It's all in your hands, Take the initiative. Be positive and see the changes in life.

    Regards,

    Vidhya.
     
  6. shawrup

    shawrup New IL'ite

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    :thankyou2:Hello Everyone

    A big THANK YOU to all. I am glad that i posted my query here because i got such a great response. I read all the advises and i will read them again. I will speak with my husband alone, not in front of his parents. I had no plans to tell him in front of his parents. Like everyone else advised, i will speak with my husband alone, and explain him how i felt and things that were going through my mind. In past i have sit down withh im and talked to him and he understood. but i have calm down a lot, i mean alot. i wake up happy, my days at work goes happy. My husband called and we talk, and he says He loves me, i feel that he misses me, but he is not saying anything. he says are you okay and how is everything going.
    Thank you everyone for taking time !!!!!!!!!!!! again all advices will not go waste, i too want my marriage to be successful. and happy. thank you and love you all
     
  7. LakNar

    LakNar Senior IL'ite

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    Hi shawrup

    Felt emphathetic for your problem. I guess your hubby is too calculative however try to find the best in him..Everyone has some adorable quality someway or other and try to spot that out and be happy..

    My hubby too is calculative however he is a lively person and a good natured humorous guy for which I luv him a lot. He is very social and the nature of his calculative'ness is attributed to the fact that (one day I asked him the reason) "So many in our society are struggling even for the basics of life and why should we have so much of luxury and be a eyesore to them"

    I liked him that he has a social thought and started adoring that quality and guess what I became calculative..

    Hoping not to be personal I suggest you have a kid and that would be a sweet lifetime committment for both of you..

    (You have not stated whether u have a kid or not)

    All the best and shall add you in my prayers dear..

    cheer up darling Harhar
    Lakshmi
     
  8. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Rupa,

    Nice to know that your relationship has improved with you hubby dear and that you could talk to him.

    Yes it would be a good idea that you talk to hi when alone. Try to probe his mind...or openly find out what is it exactly that is going on in his mind, what he wants fro life and what he want and expects from you. Tell him that if he can share his thoughts with you then it will be easier for the two of you to understnad each other and complement each other too.

    If a couple can't complement each other in all walks of life then the drive is not smooth. other wise jor ka jhatka bhi dhire se lage.

    So please maintain your calm and composed attitude and work towards making your marriage a success.

    Take care.
     
  9. orion80

    orion80 Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,

    One thing which is puzzling me is: If your husband is careful with money and doesnt like to spend on vacation, then how come he could take his father on a vacation abroad, that too on loss of pay??!!

    And why did the two men go on a vacation, leaving their wives behind?? Strange!!
     

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