Undertanding Husband needed!!

positivewoman · May 22, 2014

Hi,
Iam married for 1.5 years and its an arranged marriage.My husband and I had atough intital time as we had many spats and it took many months for us to adjust.As itisanarranged marriage Idont know whether men in Indian households are like this.I have given in a lot of my ego and have become tolerant to some comments he says, his parents say or hav learnt to deal or ignore them .He is is basically nice to me and does all his duties.He takes me out, is funny and witty at homE.I feel He is not the sort who does things to please his wife,he thinks he is being strong(True to his principles) by always being on his parents or sisters side.One instance the first gift what he gave me was a nice phone.After one year He gave me his phone and asked me if he could give the gifted phone to his parents .I am attached to that gift, but istill gave it anyway.I would like to take it back but he says its too cheap to ask it back.I feel hrt he doesnt think bout what i would feel,thinking more what his parents would feel. How do u change these men to slowly understand you and do things for you .??Iam struggling to find the ansWERS
His sister (my SIL) is quite distant and doesnt get too attached to me a lot.He is quite close to her and my MIL insists we keep getting her gifts.I dont genuinely think for her every anniversary we buy gifts .
Amain issue is if i think differently frommy Ils my DH doesntlike to hearanything against his parents or will not lend a ear.He expects me to clear it or deal with it on my own..!!

It is not a major problem.Just that a few suggestions will help and give me :idontgetit:more confidence.

pinky6 · May 22, 2014

positivewoman said: ↑

.He is is basically nice to me and does all his duties.He takes me out, is funny and witty at home
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Hi, be happy for his positive side....most of the men lack these qualities..

pragyasharma · May 22, 2014

hiii,
dont wry dear, do not thnk too much
ignore all this thngs and be strong.

chillbreeze · May 22, 2014

Hi PW, sorry about the long post but couldn't help as I too have been in similar situation in the past. I guess your DH is a nice person, loves you and wants to keep you happy but he doesn't want to show it to his family since they may think he is not giving them importance after marriage. For eg., if his dad has asked for your mobile, your husband would have felt he cannot refuse his dad's wish. Btw why did you give the gift back to him. You should have told him you are rather attached to it, gifts are not meant to be taken back and may be he can get another one for his dad or give the one he is using. In case he doesn't listen ask him to get a better one for you.

Most men do not want to hear anything against their family even if their family is in the wrong. You try to minimize the complaints you take to your DH about his family. If you fight because of ils, it’s a win for them. If you have got to vent about them, do it in IL and be relaxed by the time your husband comes home. Focus on just yourselves and how to be happy together. When you both are relaxed, you can also talk about what you expect from marriage and how you feel hurt when he takes a stand against you. The key is to tell it a way without making him feel guilty or defensive.

Having said that, it is also important to set some boundaries, otherwise you may regret later. If your sil are not attached to you, you don’t have to go out of the way to be nice to her. Tell your husband clearly that you will treat people the way they treat you. If she wishes you for occasions, you too do it otherwise just leave your DH to deal with it. Your DH talking/gifting her is fine but if the gifts are expensive, then you need to figure out a way to reduce that too by asking him to make some investments, get something for the house, etc.

darmesh · May 22, 2014

positivewoman said: ↑

His sister (my SIL) is quite distant and doesnt get too attached to me a lot. .
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It would be really nice not to get attached to SIL. Why do you want her to get attached to you ?

darmesh · May 22, 2014

chillbreeze said: ↑

Most men do not want to hear anything against their family even if their family is in the wrong. .
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The above can be applied equally to wives also. Wives too, do not want to listen anything against their family !

chillbreeze · May 22, 2014

darmesh said: ↑

The above can be applied equally to wives also. Wives too, do not want to listen anything against their family !
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That's true. Come to think of it, I guess it applies to everybody irrespective of their marital status.

SreeSri · May 22, 2014

Posting title tempted me to apply for this Job. But I found myself disqualified once reading the actual post..
Too much of disappointment thinkingsmiley

darmesh · May 22, 2014

chillbreeze said: ↑

That's true. Come to think of it, I guess it applies to everybody irrespective of their marital status.
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Yes. It is applicable to both the genders and also equally to singles as well as married ones !

Jhilmill · May 22, 2014

Yawn!!!! Your post makes me sick and these kind of repeated post and people who have slave mentality and then ask why??? makes me sick.

From your post it seems you don't treat yourself as you treat your husband. THINK ABOUT IT:rant. Your hubby giving gift to inlaws is not the problem ...you let him give your gift to his parents is CHEAP. You should have said buy your parents a new one they deserve new and donated your phone to your maid stating that emotions attached to it were priceless and now it means nothing to you.

This is how you keep your respect intact. Value yourself before begging it from someone.