please help..it kills me every second

eagerfly · May 21, 2014

i married my husband three years back..he proposed me as we started talking for someitme being relative..but while proposing he shared his pasts saying that he had love in his college and all the details he told me...he gave me option to deicide and dint force me....i dint mind at that time and i accepted and we share beautiful life together....we both hav wonderful tastes and wavelenghts which shows we are made for each other.....
afetr loving him this much and having a baby now i started going through his emails and old pictures....i did thsi many times after our marriage and controlled after crying aloud alone.....
but even now i cant control the thought that he has so many memories with her and they have shared many nicnames chats long calls video chats everything...all his friends and everyone family knows....
everyone knwos im a second kind of thing....she left him for someone else...he has begged her...his mail i read he has begged the other fellow too....that girl has gone because his parents delayed in accepting...
she had good career like him good marks than him but im though talented in many aspects not above him in marks nor do i hav a job.....but he takes care of us well...
he says he loves me only but i cant control the fact that he wouldnt have forgotten her.....
now she lives with anohter man and has a baby...but the mail i read he has mentioned at the time of breakup that he wil cherish her memories forever and wil never forget their old times.....it kills me....i dont kno if u can understand this pain but the love i have on him fails to accept that he already spent many years in love with another girl...and everyone knew it
i dotn share this with him because he tries to forget and i might make him remeber...but i feel anger hatred irritation and many things and i cant concentrate in doing anything....
my hands are shivering when i see her name or photo...
if i try to delete there are huge number of mails which makes me read everything
i check her fb on and off
i also noted him checking her fb at the start of marriage not now....
may be he does...i dont kno but he is loyal to e and there is no contact between them though she messaged him after marriage but he replied formally
but im sure he remebers everything
i wanted to know what all positives she had so that i should be better than that its a normal feeling every wife will have
but i cant read them all nasty chats and mails which makes me cry and kills me
im dead and like a corpse im typing these words
im not able to give him physical joy well which scares me in case f they had and he might regret to have marying me
im quite smaller than her
she would look more sexy it seems
and also
he had mentioned in his mails that she knew his other side (character etc)than anyone in this world
i know we both r close now and those words are old but still i never knew about him when she was....all i kno is just now
i cant even imagine another girl knowing more things than me about myhusband
he had many happy days in his life beofre with her
please help me
anyone goin through the same situation...i need to go to doctor or what?
but thats not possible

kanthtx · May 21, 2014

hi eagerfly -
its very surprising how much u have focused on ur husband's ex... u state that u r reading their emails, messages, pics before marriage and struggling to come to terms...

don't u think u r going over board with this obsession?

1. ur husband didn't cheat u - he told u he had an ex and u were fine with that
2. ur husband is not cheating u now, with her. his ex is gone and she is married with her own life.
3. ur husband is not ill treating u or comparing u with his ex, when having s.x or when u dress up.

so none of the bad things are happening... its all in ur brain that u r so obsessed with the thought that ur husband is with his ex...

when in a relation ship every body has their own romance, fights and break ups.. that happens during any relation ship.... but to obsess about his ex is not appropriate...
u ended up in this marriage knowingly about her...

1. first delete all the emails all the pics, all the conversations and throw off all the letters
2. no trace of her items... if any physical items throw them away...
3. block her email address and remove her from facebook account of urs,.. DONOT ever ever check on her... make it a decision and JUST stop it...
4. focus ur energy on the good things that u and ur husband share... DONOT compare urself to his ex or some one else... just remember the happiness and joy ful moments u shared...
5. remind the best moments u had when u had physical relation with ur husband and keep thinking about them quite often...
6. intentionally remove every single bit of thought from ur mind about his ex...
7. come to terms an start once again loving ur husband... what u have here is ur jealousy for his ex has completely shattered ur confidence and love... so try to restore that....

love cures pain.. so start loving ur husband back and start focusing on u both.. u will be fine...

guesshoo · May 21, 2014

Dear OP,

you realize that you are doing this to yourself. It is nobody's fault. Things happened. Then things changed. Now you have a wonderful husband. He is yours. Say it to yourself multiple times.

this obsession is preventing you from functioning normally.
Without going into details, ask your husband to change his passwords and not tell you the new one. Just say you would like him to have his privacy and you don't want to be tempted to see his mails as many times as you do now.

You need to bring in some discipline with regards to this. Remember the following. You have no business going into his mails and chats. Nor do you have he authority to delete them. Or throw them away in the case of a physical gift/ souvenir. Those are your husband's memories. He has been open about everything and for as long as you don't drag it in and let it rule your life now, all those things are firmly in the past.

I suggest you look through websites/ books providing cognitive behavioural therapy. There are sites like "live life to the fullest" which even provide computer based therapies you can do on your own. It will help you change your mindset as long as you are being sincere and diligent about changing yourself for the better.

If you find to weighs you do too much, and you are unable to sort it out yourself, you would do well to consult a therapist.

satnam12 · May 21, 2014

Hi Eagerfly

i think you are just overreacting on something you already knew. Everyone has a Past, moreover he even told you. For now, if you are so insecure about that girl, just ask your DH simple question, "If that girl wants to come back to him, will he leave you and go with her?" I am 100% sure, his answer would be "NOOOO". So why are you digging in his past and spoiling your day and night with her thoughts.

Just take a Chill Pill
Take care
Satnam.

oaktree12 · May 21, 2014

Dont stir the past. Live for this moments.

bhuvnidhi · May 21, 2014

Dear , Cool down.You do not have any control over your spouse's life before marriage.What matters is how loyal is he now.And he had told his past to you during your courtship.Meaning , you had an option of quitting if his past left you in an uncomfortable way.Why whine about it now?And things like whatever you had mentioned is bound to happen when two people are in love.

Do not go through any old stuffs.Stop it right now.Focus on the present and don't loose your peace unnecessarily.

sweetypi · May 21, 2014

Hi,

Why are you doing this to yourself and your husband ? Did he hide his past from you ? No. Does he ill-treat you and compare you to his ex ? Apparently not. Did he try to re-establish contacts with the ex ? No. Can you control what your DH remembers ? No.

Frankly speaking, you are obsessed with this other lady. You should not be snooping around, reading their emails, chats, deleting them or throwing out any memento he might have received.

Keep yourself busy in other ways but do not cause unhappiness by raking up old issues your DH himself has moved away from. He did not try to cheat you, has not cheated on you so far and you know better than us whether he is likely to do so in future. Have some respect for him and his feelings.

Radhai · May 21, 2014

let the pain run its course. gradually come out of it. You need to acknowledge your feelings (than shut it down) to reason them out. it is like self therapy. accept the past; also remember that you are not her replacement nor that you are competing with her.
she happened to be in his life before you. treat that as a fact and nothing more than the fact that you are with him now. these are happenings.

Nandshyam · May 21, 2014

Women are pathetic. Sweeping statement, lol, yes, what to do.

think they are superheroes, accept a man's past, at least pretend and then kill them for life.

you chose this path. There is nothing wrong in what he did. He loved someone, didn't work out, carried on, told u the truth and he has moved on. But looks like you will not let him be in peace...

for the sake of the baby and all of your future, think ahead... Don't keep chewing on the past. Isn't their a saying, if you keep looking at the rear mirror while driving you are sure going to crash..l look forward to the beautiful life you could have with him and his kids... Make memories don't whine with his past memories... And stop comparing....

MrsBV · May 21, 2014

dont let your husbands past come in between your present and future.. he keeps it in his past and you are the one who keeps thinking about it.. first step is to value yourself and your worth in your husband's life.. you are his wife.. no one can replace that.. that girl will only be known as his ex.. HUGE DIFFERENCE.. sit down and talk with your husband... spend time with him.. be romantic... make him and yourself feel how valuable you are to his life... dont underestimate the sanctity of marriage.. good luck!