1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Need help about married life.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by selviblr, Mar 30, 2014.

  1. HeartHealer

    HeartHealer Guest

    Hi seltviblr,


    We understand your problem. It's a very common issue and almost every married woman is facing this somewhere.

    But, reading your last post makes me feel like for you, it has actually come to close ends and that you are no longer able to handle this lifestyle.

    But you need to understand, things like this don't vanish away at blink of an eye. You have conveyed your feelings to your husband, now give him some time to think and figure things out. If you're expecting things to change overnight, if you are expecting your MIL to behave decently from the very next morning, it won't happen. Definitely, she must be having her own reasons to defend herself. So, let your husband figure out things, talk to your MIL and change things on your end.

    Kindly do not over-react and expect things to change all of a sudden.
    Also, please give us an account of what conversation you had with your husband and its outcome.

    Please read the advices given above and let us know your feedback.

     
    1 person likes this.
  2. TeddyChiku

    TeddyChiku Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    97
    Likes Received:
    25
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi selviblr,
    Pls take care of urself and wait for sumtime.. have faith in god and be strong dont reaction without thinking.

    Things will not chg suddenly they may take time to heel.

    Take care
     
  3. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    3,937
    Likes Received:
    1,469
    Trophy Points:
    308
    Gender:
    Female
    So your life is not about yourself. Your life is about what your husband can do for you.

    Each person should have there own interests to pursue .Before marriage you are aimed to study and doing something for yourself. After marriage I know you have responsibilities. For lot of young girls,marrige means dream but in reality it's a big responsibility but from that you can learn lot of things.

    It's hard for a person to get 100% emotional fulfillment from other person. Is your husband getting 100% emotional fulfillment. It's not simply possible. And life is tough.
    Your husband had to put up the with that to run the family...

    As a mother and as a wife and as a women you need to understand the dynamics of life. There is no reason for your get depressed. And we all feel the way you feel, But it's just a minute feeling as we don't try to live with that.


    Take up something witch you life.See imagine you have husband and kid and you still feeling same way.How about your MIL,I assume your FIL is not there .So she is kind all alone now. And she needs to cope up her life. And she will have up and down mood swings. So if they are smaller try to ignore. If they are bigger ,just go to her and tell that she is hurting you.
     
    1 person likes this.
  4. selviblr

    selviblr New IL'ite

    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    At first my hubby asked me to talk to my MIL and convey my feeling to her that some of her behaviour was hearting me.

    But I did not agree to it as I felt that with this, my MIL will get some more reason of criticising me. I thought it will backfire me.

    My hubby kept telling me throughout the conversation that just ignore your MIL. She often does not mean what she says or you must have misinterpreted here. Just think of the good things/actions/help which your MIL has done.

    Then I told my hubby that I will live other's life if that is what he want that I am nothing more than a puppet listening to others and went to sleep.

    Now after listening to your comments, get a feeling that I am not the only woman going thru this.

    I find solace after reading replies that fellow members have posted.
    Thanks a lot.
     
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2014
    1 person likes this.
  5. Sridarani

    Sridarani New IL'ite

    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    8
    Trophy Points:
    8
    Hi Ladies...I am a new member to this community..can u pls help me yo create a new post under marriage life topic ..??
     
  6. Smitham84

    Smitham84 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    337
    Likes Received:
    274
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    All I can say is IGNORE ... IGNORE and IGNORE ....... Ignore ur MILs comments / bad behavior or what ever its hurting you . just sing your favorite song when you listen your MIL is bad mouthing about you .
    you know how lucky you are to have a supporting husband,a healthy kid and a house to call your own .think about this , there are millions of women who are very rich or educated suffer from mental/physical torcher from husband and inlaws , women who suffer with poverty where their biggest dream is a plate full of food , some clothes to wear and a shelter ... .. and many more ...
    ignore your mil and count your blessings dear.. you just concentrate on things which please you . think that you don't have to struggle in cooking alone and you have a help at home. Actually I do this when ever my MIL is around (she is a nice person , but prefer to cook her own recipes and expect us to eat the same.... all I do is just assist her in kitchen and relax ) .
    your son is of my DDs same age. spend more time with him. learn some new rhymes and sing for him ,tell stories , teach him new things , manners ,new games , draw pictures with him .
    make new friends , find hobbies , do gardening if you are interested . with all these , you wont get time to think too much . .. :)
    you know we all are powerful ladies :D nobody can put us down . do what you like ,ignore what you don't like and you will be happy :D
     
    1 person likes this.
  7. HeartHealer

    HeartHealer Guest


    Thank You for replying to us. We are here to sort out your issues. Glad to know that it gave some hope and peace to you.


    Coming to your problem....
    One thing, always keep in mind, dear, never to end a conversation without concluding on something. Now, you went to sleep and the whole conversation just ended abruptly. Please avoid such situations. They don't do any good.

    Looking at the complete gist of your conversation, I feel, your husband really has no solution to it as of now. He's just trying to subside the matter by asking you to adapt to some situations and ignore if you can't take it.
    This is obviously, not the solution that you're seeking !!!

    Nobody else can actually suggest anything until you give tell them what you exactly want? So, things would be better, if you, yourself open up new avenues for yourself. Tell us, tell your husband what you would like to do and seek his support. We may give you random advises but nothing would actually come down to one thing to which you would agree.

    I suggested you to go for a job ( owing to your knowledge and talent ), others suggested you other things. But, what actually matters is what you want from life. Running away from the situation is never a solution, right ?

    Just to tell you, this forum and people here are for your support. Most importantly, your husband is in your support. But, what matters is that you tell us and your husband how you would like your life to shape up. Together, we will 100% sort out your issues.
     
  8. TheUnhappyWife

    TheUnhappyWife Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    228
    Likes Received:
    227
    Trophy Points:
    93
    Gender:
    Female
    If even half the women who come to these forums had a husband like yours, the 'Relationship with In-laws' section would have closed. Most of us have grudges that husbands start acting upon the criticisms of their wives made my their mothers, often vicious, and fight and make marital life a hell. So, you should thank your hubby for that much of maturity. And then she is 66.

    True. That is the purpose. Each of us faces unique life- circumstances for which others cannot provide any or immediate solutions, partly because we don't reveal all the details/factors behind the behaviours of all parties.

    Hope, you are feeling better now. Some suggestions on pursuing your own interest, teaching in a school etc are well-worth acting upon. So, good luck!
     
    1 person likes this.
  9. selviblr

    selviblr New IL'ite

    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks a lot for the valuable feedback.

    But there are finer details and few triggers and specific events in the near past with my MIL and hubby which I think had contributed to my behaviours as explained my earlier posts to this thread. Requesting members to kindly suggest wherever applicable.

    One day, my husband just said tomorrow eve we shall go to exhibition. I also did not ask who else is going.
    Before sleep i asked and he said that we 3 and MIL going by bus. I said if your mother is comming, i am not interested in coming anywhere.

    I don't know why he can't understand my feelings. If she comes, with us, i can't ask or say anything to him. I have to just walk behind them like a doll. I can't purchase anything for me or for my son and not even discuss anything, so why go with them at all?

    All these are not my assumptions. Last year November 2013, we all went to Malaysia and Singapore for 2 weeks with my MIL and kid for holiday. The itinerary was planned by my hubby itself. At first I refused to go and then my hubby convinced me that he will manage everything there and convinced me for the trip.
    For 2 weeks we all shared a single room. From morning to night, I could not be with him. Any where at any place, my hubby will be accompanied by my MIL so I had no other choice. He also could not feel that I was fully dependent on him and talk to him and that i was missing him. It was a once in a lifetime trip. My MIL could not bear us taking too much of photos from our digital camera. She kept asking why take too much of photos.

    Leave all this, for the first time I asked my hubby to purchase a purse in Malaysia which I liked. He just went to his mother and seeked her permission for buying it. She refused it. From that second, I started hating my husband. He was fully dependent on his mother. then how can I fully depended on him?
    During the trip, there was a fight between me and my MIL and my husband stood there silently.

    A week after returning from holiday, I did not talk to my hubby. later I went and said that I could not tolerate his behaviour during the holiday. He just replied to me that he will follow his mother's instruction and what ever she says. From that movement, I thought to myself, what can i expect from my hubby. The love which I had for him has completely vanished. Only after these incidence did I get the thought of deserting my house come to my mind. It is only for my son that I am still staying in this house.

    I try to forget the above mentioned incidents and try to be normal, but whenever something goes wrong, I start hating everything and cannot regain the love which I once had for my husband.

    Can fellow members help me answer these questions which keep coming to my mind?

    What is the meaning of a wife?. and how she should behave.
    Can she not have any own ideas? Should she at all times apply and follow other's ideas only?
    What is the relationship between wife and husband and how it should be.How can i regain the love which I had for my hubby?
    He does not know how to spend his time with me.

    Another thing is that my hubby is not willing to share his ideas & feelings with me. with this kind of his attitude, what can I expect from him ?
     
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2014
  10. jigisha321

    jigisha321 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    265
    Likes Received:
    382
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear OP, Your Malaysia incident reminds me of similar things that had happened with me as well.After our marriage my MIL used to get angry if me and my H went out anywhere.Since we both are working, in weekends she made sure that we stay at home and around her.
    I remember that once we planned for a movie outing. From the morning itself my MIL started to moan loudly that she has no help/no company/ppl (read me) are irresponsible etc etc. We went out. But my mood was spoilt and I could not enjoy the movie.
    My H also seemed to avoid going out to keep his momma happy.
    Nowadays, I have adjusted to the matter.I do not propose going out anywhere unless my H proposes it from his end. I find ways of my own recreation like window shopping while returning from office or reading or watching TV.

    Yes..sometimes I feel the void and feel bitterly angry.It feels like I absolutely hate my situation.But then again I control my mind and keep on the effort to keep myself happy.

    It is a strange thing that we women always seem to seek happiness from our husbands...but men find happiness in so many things like job/their mom/cricket/friends etc etc even after marriage.I guess men treat their wives as a part of life..while women make their husbands 'whole' of life..and their lies the crux of the issues.
     

Share This Page