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MIL father..please suggest...

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by shobhamumbaikar, Mar 10, 2014.

  1. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Sweety, my intention was no to deter OP from taking care of an old person. When I said or discouraged her, I am putting myself in her shoes. I have a full time job, a toddler and a husband. I know how hard it is to give time to them (forget about giving time to myself). Taking up the responsibility of a 90+ person is like taking up the responsibility of an infant. Can OP manage a job, toddler, home, husband, MIL AND 90+ person?

    MIL claims that he is not being cared for. Come on...if he is not cared well enough in a joint family with 3 brothers and their wives, how much of an improvement its going to when he lands here? Or are you suggesting OP should quit her job and take care of her MIL's father?

    I am sorry to say but this is going to be disastrous for everyone if she brings him here.

    If the aged person is genuinely being neglected, then I would be the first one to suggest to bring him. But thats not the case. He is being well cared for in his familiar surroundings. Uprooting him for the selfish reasons of one person is not right.

    And frankly if MIL cares so much for her father, how about she shifting to her brothers home? After all, its her brothers no?

    I hope you now see my point.
     
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  2. helpmeangel

    helpmeangel Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree one hundred percent with Rakhii. Why can't your MIL shift with her brothers until she is happy with how they are treating her father? I am sure your FIL will not mind your MIL's absence for a while. Else he can pack up his bags along with her too. Sorry to be blunt here Shobha.
     
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  3. shobhamumbaikar

    shobhamumbaikar Gold IL'ite

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    Rakhi and helpmeangel,

    yes, you are right...i also thought about another dimention of it..why didn't this idea of brigning her dad strike her when she was with her dd say 7-8 months back??? She stayed there for quite long time. He was ill then too. And MIl pretty much used to call DD's home her 'own' home too. And MIL openly declares that her dd is no way less than her ds.Then what stopped her from doing it then??

    It must have been the concern that her dd being a working woman with a toddler and all will not be able to take the load. She did not even go to visit her dad during that long time much more than over a weekend, because her absence will cause inconvenience to her dd as she was taking care of her dd firt during her pregnancy, then pospartum, then taking care of her kid till he was almost 3 years old, till they left for abroad. Never for once did it occur to her at that time that her dad is being neglected by her sils. After all she has to think about her own dd's welbeing. And dil's welbeing is no one's headache. She is someone else's daughter, not their's. or may be her snil did not agree to such suggestions, and snil's opinions matterand dil's does not. What a biased world this strange jungle called 'in-laws family' is.
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2014
  4. manisha.sanjay

    manisha.sanjay Gold IL'ite

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    Dear OP,

    I agree with what Rakhii has said.

    I will share my 2 experiences with you.

    First ---My FIL died when my DH was 6 yrs old and was taken care by his mother along with his maternal grandparents.My MIL was working so after kids education and my SIL's marriage,his grandmother and mother started living together.GM was diabetic patient and MIL was also detected with same 1 yr before our marriage.After my marriage in 6-7 months period GM was admitted to hospital 2-3 times and i used to stay in hospital with her in day time and my MIL at night.GM's son,Dil nobody used to help,come to take care of her nor support financially.At home also i used to take there care properly so all were happy.Then when i started doing job i was not able to go at my native place regularly and take there care.They started feeling neglected.Afterwards when i delivered and came back to IL place, my DD was @3-4 months.My MIL's leg was fractured,DH was in another town for job and no one to help at home.I tried my level best to manage everything,some times in taking care of their needs i was not able to feed my DD till 11-12 pm and work continuously from 5 am to 10-11am.But still even for small things like getting tea at 4.30pm instead of 4pm used to make them angry and they felt that i am neglecting them,don't want to take care of them and complained my DH.Thankfully my DH told me this and also supported me as he knows that i will not do such things.

    2nd exp--After GM's death,just after 2 months GF who was living with his son came and started living with my MIL.My MIL was still working and again this time GF's son,DIL put his whole responsibility on my MIL.I am staying here but my MIL has to bear this all.She can't tell his father to go back.Now its almost 5 yrs he is staying with her.Even after my MIL's retirement she can't go anywhere as old age person is at home.Even if we want her to come here she can't come as she is not ready to send him to his brother's place.I am not in position to say her anything as she is who taking all responsibility,i have to take it only when i am there.But her DD always scold her saying whenever she visit India her mother is not able to spend time with her nor the grand children and same is the case with us.My Mil took this responsibility and now she is bound to take care of him till his last time.

    So before taking any decision think whether you will be able to give full attention to GF,manage your job,kid and household work.Even if you manage it for first few days and afterwards not able to do so you will be blamed.Taking care of old age people is not easy as i have gone through it.They should be given everything on their time and as per their methods.Secondly you said that chances are there that your MIL may visit her DD,if it happens then whole responsibility will come on you.Even though he is old age and counting his last days you can't say how long anybody will live(Sorry to say like this) but may be this responsibility is for just 6-7 months or 6-7 yrs.So think whether you will be able to do so. From your post it is known that your MIL is willing to bring him here as she has doubt that her brother and their family is not taking good care and hence once you bring him here, there are less chances he will go back to his son and their wife will allow same.They will put full responsibility on your MIL which will be automatically yours.I think your MIL's mother is also there.So will you be able to take care of 2 old age persons,2 reaching old age persons,your DH,your job ,yourself and most importantly your kid.My kids were always neglected when i am/was busy taking care of others needs in house.

    I know that we should take care of elders,respect them but if somebody is taking there good care why should we bother them.If you and your MIL are not able to take good care of GF as his son and their family is taking his situation will be like"asman se gira khajur me atka".It will be painful to everybody.

    Sorry for the long post and if somebody's sentiments are hurt.
     
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