In a complete mess

polymorphic · Jan 18, 2014

Hi friends,

My husband, kid and I had moved to US 3 yrs back when we were going through troubles times due to games and drama from IL. I was on the verge of a depression due to the constant drama and uselss fights with DH over MIL, co-sis (pls read prev posts).

Now, the thing is my MIL and co-sis have moved to the same city we were in. Earlier, they were in diff city and still they created lots of rifts between dh and i. Now THEY ARE IN THE SAME CITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My husband still wants to go back and I am not keen and have expressed this to him.. I am not sure what he wants since he goes back and forth on the decision. He will just say "things have changed" whereas their attitude towards my dd and me is still same ,whereas they are acting very nice lately to dh.

I dont know what to do if i have to go back.. sometimes, i feel that why do i have this fate and why should i be put in the middle of the people who are the main reason why dh and i were almost heading for seperation.

After these 3 years in US, we have somehow salvaged our marriage to an extent but am not sure if we are ready to go through all of it again...my husband being so optimistic is scaring me a lot.. its almost like he has got amnesia and selective memory... What do u ladies suggest? At times, i feel , better to go in seperate ways due to my dh's apathy, but sometimes i feel like fighting over the situation and try to save this marriage (for my kids sake atleast) ..but i feel that me and our dd is not even on the priority list of my dh. Not sure what to do!!

MaliniHari · Jan 18, 2014

Find reasons to stay in your home. Never move back. save your marriage. Tell him, may be he is optimistic, but others cannot. and yes, we are women! MIL DIL things hardly change.

Please convey your non-cooperation firmly and if you have a job, please try to stay there. Tell him familiarity breeds contempt.

polymorphic · Jan 18, 2014

I have told him that and sometime i feel he is also skeptical if things would change. The truth is that i can be bold but my dh does bend backwards to please them and gives in to every whim of theirs.. i have only encouraged to help them when needed and would continue to do so.. but sometimes, i feel his wishful thinking that his folks have changed makes him wavering.. i have clearly told him to look for ways to stay back and he is sort of ok with it.. but that is not his main priority.

I have told him clearly.. i will know what his office decides.. if we go back then it will be very difficult to move out of there again since my kid would be in school and we have to settle down.. my dh is taking these issues very lightly and saying -"if we cannot manage we will again move".. iam confused by his conflicting words.. and i dont want us to fight for one yr and then be forced to move to a diff country to save our marriage.. but he just does not get my point.. we had lots of hurt from our previous fights and somehow are recovering from it with the current peaceful life.. but to go back..is as good as jumping into fire i feel.

Ansuya · Jan 18, 2014

PM, inbox.

coolwinds · Jan 18, 2014

i can totally understand reaching the edge, tottering and then making the commitment to work together and reach that sweet space where the relationship has become better and stronger.

however, i don't have much experience with meddlesome IL's creating rifts. you know their intention, your husband's weakness and the potential of such a move back to cause an irreparable break in a freshly mending relationship.

instead of addressing these toxic people as the reason to not move back and cause a defensive, offensive reaction from him, would it help to formulate a response based on the giving the best possible option for your daughter's future in terms of schooling opportunities, better job market here for him. if he shows himself to be a good husband when not under the negative influence of your ILs maybe it's best to keep that distance and keep things on a even keel.

polymorphic · Jan 18, 2014

Yes. Have tried that long back.. and we then decided to go back after 4 yrs..but like a twist of fate. they got transferred to the same city last year.. so , though i was trying to be positive at first, i could see that really nothing has changed from their side towards me or our dd. They just want him .mainly because he is the loving chacha (who gifts lavishly and takes them all for dinner) .. and not for anything else.. like i said, its like they dont have any business with me or kid.. they dont even call my dd for her birthday.. so after these things, i just stopped expecting any sort of reciprocation..i dont know when my dh will also realise these things.. he is ahelpful person who also bends backwards to get good name from his folks.

polymorphic · Jan 18, 2014

Ansuya,

PLs let me know if you got my PM. I am not sure if you received it..

tulipzz · Jan 18, 2014

Don't move back to the same city. It's suicidal.

Akanksha1982 · Jan 19, 2014

Not sure what your visa status is. try to stay until you have GC or if you have a GC, wait until citizenship. This way you buys some time and also coming back here would be easier.

manu2009 · Jan 20, 2014

my dear,
don't feel so depressed. how old are your kids? if they are old enough you can take up some job which will keep you not only busy but provide you financial freedom to a certain extent. make your hubby understand that you need a life for yourself since the kids have grown up. if he agrees you can use the same reason for not moving out from your place. actually this being a slightly tricky situation you may have to do trial and error till you find out what works out best for you.
in between don't forget to take care of yourself.