Separation after Three Decades ( Judge Me)

downtoearthb · Jan 16, 2014

Business started in name of marriage 30 years ago and first sentence which husband spoke to me ---I never wanted to get married and have married you so that I have someone to look after my mother. It was an arranged marriage and he was unwilling to meet or talk to me for reasons which were obvious later.

Family was LOVING FAMILY where my husband was lying on bed with his Mother and caressing her often. He used to put his hand on her tummy under her shirt and would warm up her feet during winter by putting his feet oh hers. I objected to it and was labelled a bad woman for talking bad about a pious relationship between mother and son.

I talked to my father about marriage, harrassment for money, their constant demands.I asked him to help me out of this situation or divorce is only option left for me My father told me to go and kill myself. ( He is the same person who had assured me of every support before marriage because I had questioned this marriage possibilities and future).

I had a son now--and was like a puppet in hands of this social system. I have a good job but every penny was taken away by husband on first day itself.If any money was kept he would abuse me emotionally by creating a hostile environment.
I was not strong enough to face society as a separated woman as my parents family was widely known in the city.

It was like a challenge to make this marriage work and I refused to give up easily.All sorts of mental torture was inflicted :

Nasty daughter or a rich father ( the financial gap between 2 families is 80-90 times)
Bad looking ( which I am not)
Deprived of food, tea and basic toiletries, forget about clothes or anything.
Isolating purposedly in the family ( Husband was part of all this).
I had calm discussions with husband about all this and his reply was giggling.Tried with help of a family friend, didnt work.

Except physical beating nothing was spared.

My son turned 12 and I decided to leave India and find a future for my son and myself. Got Immigration and it was a tough journey. Son became irresponsible and neglected studies in university. His father came to foreign land and inspite of social department support I could not get out of marriage legally. Got into depression and had to be treated.

Returned to India alone, worked hard, kept myself busy and earned good as well. Son got married and is working in India.He lives in a city 100kms from my place. His father returned last year and joined and I felt its time to enjoy life and just ignore all sorts of nonsense even if he doesnt care. Now I live in a house provided by my brother, car etc provided by brothers. Husband again played the game and took away a big amount in a treacherous manner.

I have decided to divorce him and move on in life.He is living with his parents now. There is no financial problem as salary is good.

Should I go for divorce now?

azalea · Jan 16, 2014

What are you waiting for? This is no marriage; so why have it in name?

gauridinesh · Jan 16, 2014

Better late than never..You have gone through so much - mentally and emotionally. I think its time that you gave yourself a good deal. Since the 'legal' term of marriage doesnt hold any value here-it would be wise to separate. but do you think he will let go so easily? You should be prepared for any dirty games he may play.
Also, I would suggest you not be dependant on your brothers. Please try to stand on your own feet slowly - so that tomorrow even if brothers create a problem, you dont have to think twice.

joylokhi · Jan 16, 2014

Hugs to you. You have faced a lot. If you are sure there is absolutely no emotional attachment to your spouse, u can go ahead and finalise your separation. however, since you are already staying single, why not try a period of continuing to stay this way and if there is no provocation from your husband, you can just lead your own life. The main thing is what u hope to achieve by seeking legal separation at this stage - whether financial or emotional. How is your relationship with your son? Will or is he close to you? Think things out calmly. I,m sure u will get some good responses from our friends in IL. Best wishes

nuss · Jan 16, 2014

Wow- so similar to what I went through. My FIL (ex) once told me that he breastfed until his mother died (that means well in his 60s). Weird !
As you said your marriage was more of a business deal and you two never got emotionally attached, you should have walked out of this a long time ago. Well, better late than never. Good luck!

MaliniHari · Jan 16, 2014

Oh God!!! What were you waiting for??? Had I been in your place, I would have divorced him in an year or so! I salute your patience and your efforts. However, I pity that man your so called "husband" for he has wasted his life even after God gifted him with a diamond! Time to shine! Better late than never!!! Please please please file your divorce!

sandydass · Jan 16, 2014

Appreciate your decision to come out! pls do it and live your life

destinedfate · Jan 16, 2014

You have wasted 30 years of your life with him, I love that you have the strength to think about divorce.. I have two aunts who are miserable in their marriages who have been married for over 2 decades and cant even think about leaving their husbands. I think its commendable that you have the guts to divorce him. I do agree with gauridinesh and think that you should try to slowly become completely independent, and not rely on your brothers. Maybe by taking this stop maybe many women around you will get the courage to face and do something about their bad marriages.

Ps. My ex husband used to put his hand on his moms tummy too! Every night after dinner they would share a couch, he would lay on her lap, and his hand would be on her tummy. So weird!! I never even heard of such things till I got married and saw it with my eyes!

Wondergirl137 · Jan 16, 2014

30 years of inhuman behavior and a namesake relation...you are one brave woman. I dont know what to say about your parents...for their support at right time would have saved you long long back.

A lot of women here,including me, have been able to put behind the bad times and move ahead happily, with support form parents/friends/extended family, but most of all our own will to get away from poisonous relationship/s.

Please go ahead and do it. It might be tough but what has to be done has to be done!
Good Luck! and hugs.

vaas · Jan 16, 2014

oh my god. 30 years of mental and physical torture. i cannot digest what i read.
hatsoff to ur patience.

coming to ur question. yes u should divorce him now and live ur rest of life peacefully. u deserve a much better life than what ur leading now.

is ur son in good terms with u? else ignore him too and live alone. u dont deserve all this relationship issues. every thing in life should be give and take.