Another saga with in-laws and their demands

Sunita,I can understand how you feel. Why dont you ask your husband to have a talk with your inlaws and tell them the reasons for not applying GC for them. I do know it might bear little fruits,but its worth giving a try. My in laws are also of same nature. They want to know everything happening here. They are also very unhappy becoz we are here.:idontgetitont worry too much about this. All in laws with son's and DIL's away from them or abroad are the same.My FIL in fact openly told he wants to know everything happening here.
The one point also here is your in laws having GC will be a permanent thing. If you look in all possibilities you will have to look at compromising your family needs in the long run. It might also work with reaching common ground if your in laws are willing.

As far as in laws asking daughter in law to do everything according to their culture is not surprising.My in laws wont insist for my husband to do anything but when it comes to DIL i have to follow all customs done in their family.Dont worry about that. Half the time i tell them i did it and do what i feel is important. Here we do get used to having our independence .
Why dont u try telling your in laws that you can think about applying for their GC's in a few yrs . Also you can take your husband into confidence and tell him to do the same.You have an advantage as your husband is agreeing here. Best of luck.

 

Dear Sunita its sad when parents spoil things for their own family, i think its high time ur husband took the bull by his horns meaning told clearly firmly and diplomatically that he will sponser them when the situation allows him too, it would be better if u dont disccuss this topic with ur inlaws and any discussion on this should be refered to ur husband, Its time when u should also try to put ur foot down and draw the line and decide in ur own mind how much will u allow them to interfere in your own life.

does ur husband resent thier interference, is he forced to tell them everything by his parents if yes than ur job is slightly easier otherwise it may be very difficult for u but u hv to put a stop to it,

I know easier said than done especially if have always tried to be a good DIL and taken thier wishes to be ur command .......that is the reason why today they are taking advantage of and dancing on ur head, be firm and non committed , just talk to them unimportant tidbits but nothing that u consider personal , if they insist or come to know that u have hidden from them just tell them with a laugh that its very personal and not to be discussed with anyone other than ur husband.(frankness miex with gentelness always helps)

it will be very difficult in the beggining and will lead to lot of talks but do not back answere if u too irriatated think of some excuse and cut the phone cause anything u say will be used against u in the future.

best of luck I hope all ur problems get solved asap.

 

Hi Sunitha...i couldnt help but reply to your post. These are just my thoughts and i think you too would lend a listening ear. After i read through your post i can think of three things which is bothering you
1. your nagging in laws
2. If inlaws come and stay with you how can you visit your parents in chennai??
3. Financially you are not sound enough to support your inlaws.

fine, the first point is very common and we all find some way or the other to deal with the same and i dont think its much issue nowadays as i too face such problems and in the end we do try to find a way out.

the second one : Your concern seems to be more for your parents whom you accept are aging and you want to visit them, what makes you think that if your in laws come and stay with you your parents cant visit you or you cant visit them?? why dont you talk with your husband and make a way out?? like we did we invited both of our parents the same time and they had been with us. we took extreme care that none of the parties are not offended. (why i tell you is i dont have any brother and my husband is the only son and we both have decided that our parents will stay with us in their old age and even they are aware of it)

One more question, do you have any brothers or sisters who can take care of your parents or they are entirely dependent on you??

third point: FINANCE, i agree this is a major thing for all of us, but you yourself accept that ur in laws have crossed 60yrs so they too are not young like ur parents?? Do they have anyone to support them or it is only ur husband?? if it is so, please do think from their perspective ..how hard it'll be for them to manage things on their own, they would definetely expect their son to take care of them and as a son its his duty to take care of his parents. So please do not make them feel bad just because of money, which we can earn somehow in our lifetime, have they not spent rupees on your husband today he would not be earning in dollars and he is perfectly justified in feeling bad enough to tell his parents the same. You have told that you have lot of financal commitments is it also not your commitment to your husband and his family to take care of them??so instead of thinking on a short term alternative think in the long run how are you going to support your in laws/parents. It can be anyway you wish but pls do think on the lines of how you people are going to support them because i think it is the most beautiful duty of every son and daughter to look after their parents in their old age.

What i suggest is if you think abt some way then ur sure to find one, i openly accept that i do have minor issues with my in laws, but i'll never ever dream of hesitating to support them in their old age. so if you think it is problem then think of a solution but not of one disowning and do ponder over the points i've mentioned.

All the best.

cheers

 

Dear Ashrita

I just read your post.

Wow, you are recommending bringing both in-laws together to the US?
It is rarer than a 100 carat diamond that two sets on in-laws living under the same roof will get along. If you have that luxury, you are extremely fortunate.
No one would recommend that to a normal family. This is like saying that you ate moldy, spoilt, dirty food and did not get food poisoning. Maybe in some rare cases, people wont get food poisoning but 99.99999% of the times people will.

So you being an ultra lucky person, does not give a solution to Sunitha's problem. She has written that her in-laws arenot friendly with her parents. Having both the sets under one roof in her case will cause a major catastrophe.

Also you seem to live in UK where they have the NHS. You dont seem to be very aware of the healthcare system in the US. There is no such thing as public healthcare here. If you dont have health insurance in the US, you die or you go bankrupt. Thats it.

Among bankruptcies declared in the US, the largest number is for medical bills for folks who dont have insurance or even the right insurance. Cheap insurances dont cover any medical costs except simple first aid. A 5 minute visit to a doctor for sore throat costs more than $1000 if you dont have the right insurance. I personally went through this. One day stay in a hospital is no less than $20,000 if you dont have the right insurance. The average Annual Salary for Indian families in US is around $75000. If 1 person stays 4 days in a hospital without the right insurance you have lost your salary for the entire year. Thats why people go bankrupt. After that you cant do anything, you cant buy even regular groceries. Scary part is your children's life is ruined. You cant send them to good schools or colleges. Scary part is also you might become homeless.

To avoid all this you need to get the right insurance. Almost everyone who works in a good job gets it from their office. They can claim only spouse and children as dependents in the insurance. No one else. For parents you have to get private insurance. Good insurances cost more than $1000 a month per person. A cheap insurance is of no use as it will cover only first aid. For people older than 65 its many times higher. For two people you will easily spend $3000 a month for health insurance and prescription medication. With an annual salary of $75000 with the US 33% federal and local income tax, you will get $50000 in hand (even if we dont deduct the money we lose into Medicare, SST, 401k etc etc). $3000 a month expenditure, makes $36000 a year. Mortgage/rent will cost $24000 a year. Thats it, you have exceeded your income. We have not even added expenditure for children, school, groceries, transportation, utilities, travel etc etc. Forget about saving for college or retirement or for a rainy day

The other choice is to get cheap, crappy insurance for them. This will result in the hospital not performing the required treatment and endagering their life. Do you think that will be a good solution?

Please dont belittle the financial burden aspect of this. No one outside the US knows about all this. Only the people who have been through the pain know about this.

Sunitha's concerns are real. If her FIL wants to know everything, then maybe her husband can give all these detailed costs and problems to his parents.

 

Sheetha,

I'm shocked at your rude words. First if you would like to offer any suggestion to sunitha you are most welcome but i think you dont have any business to criticise my suggestion to Sunitha.

In your post you have just done that and have not come up with any valid suggestion for her which is a real pity.
Even if you want to disagree with a person, pls do so more politely. As a learned lady (i take the liberty of thinking so) you should definetely have a way with words.

coming to your post, both in laws living with their respective sons and daughters in the same home is not a new world wonder(and you comparing the same to a plate of unpalatable food and poisoning, i just wonder where in the world you got such crude comparisons to make), take my word it takes the effort and will and money and most of all heart to do such things and i'm definetely fortunate and pat my back for that for it.
I suggested the same to her, it is upto her or others to appreciate such welcome changes in their life or feel free to leave but definetely it does not warrant such rude and snobbish remarks. And this suggestion I made to her as she wanted to visit her parents, which nyway is not going to be more than 6 months.

And madam you had been crying hoarse in your post abt dollars,dollars and more dollars.well it is your choice of staying there not of others and you should know well what you are getting into. Yes, accepted that its going to cost you very much but what is the solution?? Will you abandon your parents/inlaws telling them they are going to be aburden and do away with them?? would you tell your parents to fend for themselves in their old age rather than expect any help from you?? or do you expect your husband to tell the same to his parents??Are you suggesting to shirk off ones duty at the pretext of money and the extreme consequences you'll face??
well, if you cant afford to have your in laws/parents with you because of money then you should think of a way to support them in their old age which suits you best. I suggested sunitha to work a way around the money factor but definetely not one of disowning ones parents/inlaws.

And pls dont tell that nobody else knows life in US other than the ones who live there, i have my own relatives sponsoring GC for their parents/inlaws in their old age when they could not go back to India and decided US is the place for them.

who told NHS does charity work here by offering free medicare to all?? please get your facts right before you state something in such a public forum, it not only shows your knowledge level but it also misleads people.

I never refuted that sunitha's concerns are not real, did i state anything like that in my post??

Finally what do you suggest sunitha in her case??

 

Ashritha,

Well done my dear! You just snatched the words from my mouth, just as I was wondering how do I put these words in a more palatable way!:bowdown:bowdown:bowdown

 

Thanks ANK, I'm happy for your kind words and for seeing the point i'm trying to make.

 

Dear Seetha,
I just read ur post,

wow u really are a practicle person, u said the right things I totally agree and support u on this , one cannot live life on high ideals quoted by others here, I agree that if finance is such a problem and one has to live with the inlaws then I think sunita and her husband should seriouly think of going bk to India, our country is going great guns no one can deny that , and above all the salaries are touching the sky, its a better option to live in ur own country with a bit of money and fulfill all your moral duties than live in US just above the line of poverty.

I am sure if sunitas husband tries hard he will get a good package , and people with USA experience are generally regared with more respect and knowledge and therfore paid more, I can say this with confidence cause people I know have now shifted bk to india frm the US and are leading very comfortable lives.

 

Dear Ashritha
well said ,!! i had the same words to revert back .
Dear Seetha,
It is understood and its a well know fact that MIL & FIL can never become our own parents and so is case for them from us. This trivial shall be there and its now a part and parcel of life. Cross your heart and tell me , if those were ur parents would your heart speak the same for them? wont you try some hook or rook to help them.If US life such a costly affair and never in you life you would attain a containment then why to do you need to put up all these & live there. there are lots and lots of oppurinity in India now come down live with all ur family and econmically u shall be sound too.
All our life we shall be close to harldy 10 relations in our life rather 10 people and if we cannot get alone with these 10 people what are we worth for?
now today we think 100 times when we need to take care of these old people , what would be our state. If one has son .. yes we might have 10% hope that we would be looked after .. but what if our offspring is a daughter... is our society change or our thought broaded to accept and stay with daughter family..no !! we are still in the same rat race!! it need lot of courage to think and act other wise...
best wishes anu