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money issues

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by headspin, Nov 29, 2013.

  1. headspin

    headspin Bronze IL'ite

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    im married for 5 yrs now. have 4 yr old DS. love marriage - intercaste. stay with in laws ever since.

    problem is.. dh earns half of what i earn. 5 yrs back, we both earned the same. now, due to my it job, hardwork and sacrifices, my salary has doubled in 5 yrs. but he runs a business. hasnt taken a hike of 1 penny in 5 yrs. this frustrates me. his parents control everything. one vacation in 4 yrs. small basic 2 day trips to my parents house, etc.. for which i pay for tkts. he never has money.. naturally coz when we put an account, he is barely able to meet his expenses. he only gives for his personal expenses, his investments, house contribution and DS school fee. rest all day care, medical, travel tkts, mobile phn, my expenses, DS and self clothes, my investments, kid investments, .. everything i take care.

    well, i dont mind in a real way, but im getting frustrated that neither he nor his parents ever think that 5 yrs and no hike is not fair. just because i dont protest, they dont think how will life run with his salary alone? of late i have asked dh to take a hike, made a basic minimum budget.. he said 'ok'. problem is..whenever i ask him for anything.. he never refuses. but his answer is always 'ok'. the irony is, he never gives me money. his standard answer.. i dont have. infact apart from everything, i have loaned him close to 3.5lacs till date.. this is just big cash. im not accounting for tiny expenses of daily life.

    i was in the verge of quitting work.. as workplace is 25 km one way, implying 2 hrs travel in peak time. fil works still. and mil is immobile. i hv to leave for work at 7.30 am and b back only by 7.30 pm.. day cares open only from 9-6. unable to find a solution.. i made up my mind to quit. but everyone got scared... and fil mil dh agreed to keep cook for night. i decided to shift residence near my work, so that travel time can be lessened, and my life with dh will improve.. he agreed to everything. but frankly im have very low confidence on hiim where money is concerned. shifting will imply.. rent, deposit, house items during settling.. everything will add upto 2 lacs initially.. what bothers me now is.. when he doesnt give me a penny every month... doesnt have money 20 days in a month.. hoe in hell will we manage? should i just accept the fact that i should run the show? or just go the usual cycle of 'demand with him-not get the money-feel upset-cry-fight-finally end up paying from my pocket'...??

    honestly speaking.. im SO tired of this money tamasha.. dh is good in every other way. but with money he is HOPELESS. i sometimes feel our marriage has sustained just because im working and the day i leave.. it will fall apart. im so stressed when i think of money. please advice...
     
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  2. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi dear,

    are you saying that your husbands business is doing well but he is deliberately refusing to give himself more salary? I understand that you are frustrated that you aren't being "taken care of" and pampered the way chivalrous men take care of their women. You can do it and you do, but it annoys you to be the main breadwinner. This is how you feel; you are entitled to your feelings. Crying, complaining, yelling and other dramatics are useless and only show you as a weak person.

    If you are serious about giving your job up, make a plan first.
    Example: You will quit your job 6 months hence. As a dry run for that period, half your salary will go into fd the first 3 months. Then the next 3 months all of it will be unavailable. Your DH has to run the show completely - food, school transport everything. The salary you have put aside will be your emergency fund.

    With one such plan approach your husband and get his buy in. He mightn't appreciate it, but you need to persevere. Make changes together in the plan if required. Then implement it. All the best.
     
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  3. rachaputi

    rachaputi Platinum IL'ite

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    What do you do if you were in your H place?

    As per your post, no other complaints on your DH.

    Actually what you are expecting from him??
     
  4. Visu2k

    Visu2k Gold IL'ite

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    If everything else works fine with your husband, you can ignore the money aspect. Moreover, you are earning not for strangers but for your own family, husband and kids. You should be a lot satisfied about that. Compare, this with so many women who feel lack of appreciation or recognition for the efforts they put for their family or those who are made to feel financially dependent on their spouses.

    I think, the main issue here is not money but you are getting tired because of managing family and work and feeling drained out because of that. You should definitely consider moving closer to work as it will help in lessening your stress. Even if it takes some initial investment, you will have more time to relax. Just imagine, spending 2 extra hrs a day in commuting means spending a whole month in a year in just travel. One doesn't even get that many leaves and holidays in a year. So concentrate on how you can reduce your stress rather than making this a money issue or making your husband feel pressurized.

    So far as your husband is not lazy or intentionally wants to be out of work, you can't hold it against him for earning less. Sure you could encourage him or do anything that would help him to get better opportunities but you can only do so much.
     
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  5. trueloveseek

    trueloveseek Senior IL'ite

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    Best way to look at your situation is at least you have a HUSBAND who is a good person at heart, never hurts or gives emotional pain to his WIFE, loves his WIFE and is a Ideal Husband in all its definition and also earns money[we knew before marriage how much he makes so nobody to be blamed here].
     
  6. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Is this a family owned business and he gets paid a salary?
    Who decides the raises? Are there more people involved or is it just ur PIL?
    What happens to the profits..does ur DH have a share in it?
    (Assuming u are making some)
     
  7. simpleMom

    simpleMom Gold IL'ite

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    Can you shed more light on "business"? What business is it? Is your husband a partner or sole owner? These parties get share of the annual profit.

    Unless you tell what business it is and the state of that business and your husband's role in that business, it is hard to tell why he is penniless.
     
    Last edited: Nov 30, 2013
  8. mani75

    mani75 Silver IL'ite

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    Hello Headspin,

    I have read your earlier posts aswell. It not really the money but as others have pointed out .... The feeling of not having a safety net to catch you if you fall.

    One of the things that you have said here his parents control everything. is what is really the tipping point.

    Please stop loaning him the money when he says he has none... let him go without it. Put aside that money and use it for your rent/down payment for appliances etc. If he asks tell him you are using it as his share towards the household.

    Please workout your monthly budget after taking away all that you need to save/ fixed expenses. Run the house on that much only for a month when he /his parents have to go without what they are used to with your money they will loosen their pockets.

    Please talk to your husband calmly explain your real issue your real fear - of not having his support emotionally and financially and having to give up on your time with your child to support his business and how this is making you feel that you have no control on your life and what you can provide for your child together. when you speak to him please make it clear that you only want him to hear you out, you do not expect him react , you do not expect him to provide you with a solution, you only want him to give it some thought if he is capable of that at the very most. Please explain to him that this act of his of listening to you would enable you to look at your fears objectively and help you formulate a plan to face them. This is the very least you expect from your partner.

    Prepare all that you want to say. Make a list/speech/bullet points... what ever works for you. Stick to it. If he tries to argue / interject, request him to listen out everything and only then respond. tell him that this is your time to talk and he can talk after that. Do not allow him to hijack the chat. Also after you are done... give him time to process dont expect immediate answers... also if he reacts do not react respectfully allow him to speak his mind as he has allowed you to. Do not react to evrything that he says at that moment... tell him that you will think about his issues and try to work with him to find solutions and so must he.Try to create a positive interaction sometimes all it takes is the fact that there is someone to hear you out.

    Please do not bring up the fact that his parents control everything. this would shut down his listening ability and ability to think about the real issue which is his own financial independence and your wellbeing.

    Happiness always
    mani75
     
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  9. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    I don't know how to say this in a softer non-hurting manner but I agree with your last 4 lines. This marriage is holding together largely because of the financial security and stability that you bring. And while every man cannot be a wealthy ambitious achiever, I am conventional enough to believe that a man must take the lead when it comes to financial matters simply because women have other responsibilities and physically tire out quicker and fall sick more often. A man must never put the burden of running a household (financially) on the woman (just my opinion). To sum up, I think your husband is showing a lack of responsibility. He must try to do something that can bring more financial stability to your house - such as maybe 2 jobs, change of career, etc. or at least say more than "ok" to ease and comfort you that he needs some time, he is trying out somethings, going back to college, or getting some degrees certificates, or networking or worse comes to worse if he is really not good at many things or this is the limit for him, he must work with you to see if you guys can alter your lifestyle, make it cheaper and simpler, or if you cannot, work 2 jobs.
    I have met some genuine people who mean no harm and try everything but are really not smart when it comes to picking up new skills or going with the pace of the world. No point flogging them to run faster, they simply can't. They have maxed out in their capacity of what they can do. If your husband is one of them, you guys may just have to simplify your life and demands and if you love (AND RESPECT him despite his drawbacks), you just have to make the best of your situation.

    Aamrapali
     
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  10. headspin

    headspin Bronze IL'ite

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    thanks all for listening out... yeah, the main thing that stresses me out is, why do i need to take all tension. the more i do, the more i get. i feel at times like giving up the marriage, but i know, i wouldnt do it for two reasons a- money, and b- ds. we do have fights.. but i guess its normal. i was bought up to be independent, but dh depends on others for a glass of water. these things def add to my frustrations. his parents definitely control him. i told mil about increase in hike.. she says there is no money to do so. she even told me once that dh did a blunder getting married at 28 (i was 26). i was hurt big time, wanted to tell her that nothing has changed in 5 yrs.. neither his income, nor is he supporting me. attimes i feel he wantstodo things, but is scared of his folks.. they will do emotional blackmail and he wil feel guilty.

    reg his business.. well, i must admit its not doing too great. its not like flourishing, but there is always a phase when there is no money. at times he doesnt even take his own salary for months. there is just enuf to run the show , pay salaries, and daily expenses of work and minimal of house. infact PIL want him to shut it down, but obviously he is not ready to do so, for reasons quite obvious. he says he cant work 'under' someone else, that is do a job. he is very confident that things will improve.. maybe they will, but im not sure how long. we have few lic policies.. for paying those also i have to beg him 2months in advance (his policies). he is working hard.. away from home from 8.30 am to 10 pm.. travels 70 kms dailys .. but i dont know how he is at work. again, its his choice. i have told him we will move closer to his workplace, but itsa suburb and he says there are no good schools. quite naturally, we have nil family time.. except on sundays, when he is too tired to even move himself. i feel pity at times.. but then i guess life is tough. we have to go through this.. plus hetalks abt having 2nd kid. im like.. wheres the money. i sure cannot work after 2 kids. i mean after their day care travelling and misc expenses, i'll hardly be left with anything. more pay implies more responsibility at work, which is like 14 hrs in office, which is unthinkable to me,

    at times i feel he is not being responsible, at times i feel he is working too hard. but inspite of hard work, noone is benefitting.. he sacrifices family time, vacations, family weddings, birthday parties, etc.. im always going alone everywhere coz heis busy. sometimes i feel im being too hard on him. should give him more time.. after all most businesses have debts. ive told him umpteen times to thijk of job, butheis very optimistic abouthings changing. if i argue too much he says.. feel free to leave me. you should have married a wealthier guy from your community. it hurts me more... our lifestyle is not very high.. basic movie outings, dining out once a month. nothing else.

    i dunno what it is.. but bottom line is, im tired of running the show. but i dont wanna give up. i dont know what else can be done.. even if i provide the money, i want him to take up the responsibility of doing everything else.. im super confused and sad..
     

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