Gossip Is The Name Of The Warning Bell, This Time!

Wonderful Analysis, Beautiful Poem, Vidya!

Dear Vidya,

Your words of criticism has always inspired me to write more and write better. I have read your critical reviews time and again. And they have a ring of authenticity in them. And they have helped me hone my skills.

And I am really happy and proud that I have got good marks from the most discerning teacher. When I did my PUC (way back in the 70s) I used to get 80 and 90 in accounts and commerce subjects. But I used to come second or third in the class. We had a very tough teacher for Advanced English. I got 46 out of 100 but stood first in the class. I was mucy happier with that 46 marks than with 90 because I got that from a discerning teacher. Your words of praise give that feeling today. I am really happy.

Self-righteousness comes because we have not seen enough of the world. We grew up in one particular situation, with one particular language and a specific lingo. So when we see something different we immediately judge that to be wrong.

When I was in England as a member of the GSE team I was shocked to see ladies kissing men as a mode of welcome. (I was also kissed by my hostess on my cheeks; my God I cringed). But talking with those people I found that they do not mind that at all. I even expressed my shock to the host. He took me to his study and showed a clock. The clock looked artistic and kept time correctly. But the numbers were written so to say in anti-clockwise direction. And the hands were moving in the reverse direction.

I blurted out "My God, A wrong clock." My host said, this is wrong or your usual clock-wise clock is wrong? I realised the importance of the other point of view.

If this kind of realisation comes we cannot afford to be self-righteous. Gossip will die a natural death.

Thanks for the wonderful poem Vidya. You actually completed the lead discussion. Thanks once again.
sridhar

 

Thanks Vandhana!

I am very very happy that you too liked the discussion. When I said about MIL gossiping about the servant to DIL, I only gave an example of the level of intimacy rule. Applying the rule the DIL can talkabout the maid to her MIL and not the other way round. I have seen women discussing their husbands with perfect strangers, which to me always looked like the worst possible betrayal.

I have fought with my wife several times. But I can today talk with pride I have never discussed about any of those fights with anybody else. Following this level of intimacy rule, we can build a very healthy relationship with our near and dear.

Many times we might be forced to hear gossip. But it becomes evil only when we pass on the information, either as it is or in a twisted form. As long as we bury that within ourselves, we wont be feeding the gossip mills.

Yes, Vandhana, let us all strive to make IL a gossip-free zone. That is the only way make this site grow to greater heights.

Thanks, Vandhana for your participation.
regards,
sridhar

 

Thanks, Sudha!

Dear Sudha,

Actually these associations are started for spending quality time, for relaxing in the company of other like-minded persons. But because of gossiping they degenerate into the worst stress factors. When the association is basically good but there is some gossip on the side, we can be in, but cleverly manage to avoid getting into the gossip line. But if the whole assn exists for the purpose of gossip it is better we quit before we also become corrupted.

Yes Sudha, men do gossip. But if you are going to talk about men gossipping, especialy, if they are not around to hear and respond, then that allegation by itself would amount to gossipping. So lets leave that matter for discussing at some mixed meetings where men are also around and can hear you talk.

Lets have the practice of only praising other ILites. But if somebody does something wrong, and we know the person close enough to point out the mistake, then and only then, can we give a private message to correct that person's behavious. But if somebody flouts the etiquette or makes an obscene post, we should not respond to that post and bring the matter to the attention of the concerned moderator to make amends.

But unless the error is pretty serious and against the whole community, we cannot complain merely because the post offends our mind or goes against our thinking.
I think with these ground rules IL can be made a gossip-free zone, as vidya pointed out.
regards,
sridhar

 

I appreciate the candour, Viji!

Dear Viji,
While all of us are writing as if we were saints and angels, you had the courage to say that I gossiped and that I wont do it henceforth. It takes a lot of moral conviction and intellectual courage to make such statements in an open, public forum.
Hats off to you, Viji.
When somebody is hurting you you can always complain. That's the human's most natural defence mechanism. But you should complain to the right person. So if your MIL hurts you, you can talk to your husband or to your mother or father. But not to the maid or the neighbour or your friend in the ladies club. If we understand this rule, we will never be sad or stressed out due to human relationships.
regards,
sridhar

 

Thanks Anjana!

Dear Anjana,
This is a pretty powerful statement and if we bear this in mind we will never say anything wrong about another person.
"one who 'gossips to you will also gossip about you'"

The problems of famous persons is pretty complex. First by making a claim to fame, either as a leader or an actor or a writer or an artist, you are making yourself vulnerable to criticism. Since so many people will like to comment and they don't have the means of saying it directly to the famous persons, naturally they will discuss that in newspapers and the media. Technically that is an gossip; but with famous people there is no other way.

Famous people who are really good listen to only what is relevant and even change their behavious if they see a defect in themselves.
I know about a saint who back in those days used to go in a palanquin carried by 4 people. That was the tradition followed in that religious organisation. One day a small boy of ten commented, "when we are all walking, why should Swamiji go in a palanquin?"
Swamiji heard that comment and from that moment decided not to use the palanquin therefter. That I would say is intellectual integrity.

Cine stars and pop divas handle gossip in the worst possible manner complicating their lives and of those living with them.
regards,
sridhar

 

Shalji, Thanks A Ton!

Dear Shalji,
You have highlighted another source of gossip. While we have exhausted jealousy, inability to appreciate the differences, self-righteousness and so on, all of us overlooked one important source of gossip - conversation.

Now meaningful conversation can happen between two persons who share similar interests and have a lot to exchange with the other person. Suppose a person has no meaningul interests in life. The person is wealthy and she has a lot of time at her disposal. Invariably when you start talking with that person, soon the conversation degenerates into some kind of gossip or another.

Another thing I have found. If you are conversing about an useful topic like a book, an author, a recipe etc. your conversation will end at the right time. But if you are gossipping the conversation can run on for hours on end. And like hasish, a gossip conversation is addictive and highly habit forming.
In those days I had a few friends who loved this kind of conversation. When they come home I invariably go up to them fully dressed as if I am going out for an important work. When you show a kind of hurry in your face and actions, the other person cannot indulge in gossip. A few minutes later the person takes leave. Then I send him out, change the dress and go about my work at home.

Shal, while on the subject of your friends, a piece of friendly advice. If we are to look for perfect friends, we may end having none. So don't lose your friends. When the conversation turns to gossipping just tell them somethings sweet and escape. If they insist just hear them out. But don't spread the message yourself. As Vandhana said letting in through one year and letting out through the other, taking care that it does not enter the head or heart, you can avoid the ill-affects of gossip.

regards,
sridhar

 

I don't know how to reply to you, Krishnamma!

Hi Krishnamma,
I like your name very much because it also happens to be my great grandmothers name.
Frankly I don't know how to respond to your beautiful post as you have wonderfully supplemented my post with your real life example. Well-written and beautifully explained.
But I want to just say one thing, Krishnamma.
While we have to avoid gossip, that does not mean that we automatically have the right to say the truth openly to others, especially if it hurts. As I have been repeatedly telling in this thread, very few people have the capacity to accept truth and reform themselves.
And Krishnamma, we have not been born to correct others and reform them into good human beings. We have our other human businesses to attend to and lets leave to God and time, the work of correcting others.
My rule in dealing with others is, unless, it is my direct concern and it affects me I don't tell whats wrong in people. Many of my young clients drink, some of them womanise. But I have no business to talk to them on this for I know that I am not their Father confessor.
And another rule which has helped me all these years is this. Whatever we say should be the truth. But we need not tell all the truth. Simply because we are not equipped to tell and the other person is not equipped to hear.

Thanks for the wonderful post, Krishnamma. I enjoyed every word of it.
regards,
sridhar

 

Nice words, Ambika!

Dear Ambika,
I loved these words very much.

The best way to avoid getting into a gossip loop is when we hear any evil talk or back biting, we must halve it, quarter it, pulp it and throw it and then say nothing about it to others it seems. If we follow this rule, when unwanted 'things' go into our ear, they won't come out all mixed up with spice from our mouth.

Gossip grows on the "spice" added by our mouths. And when it is not there, there is no need to worry.

And coming from you they carry a lot of moral conviction, Ambika. Ambika, we have a lot of common friends and I have never seen you uttering anything wrong about them in their absence.Though in their presence you have the lovely habit of pulling their legs in an enjoyable manner.

I am glad that you liked the discussion.
regards,
sridhar

 

Right Description, Meena

Hello Meena,

Dangerous disease is the right description. Like HIV gossip gets into our system by stealth and the pity is most of us do not even know that we gossip. And what losses does gossip lead to! We lose wonderful friends, meaningful relationships and above all the time to something better in life.

You have said that a busy person has no time for gossip. But gossipping is a mental trait and if a person loves it he can somehow accommodate even in his busy time schedule. And in modern times people use all modern gadgets like sms, email etc for gossipping.

One has to take a conscious decision to avoid gossipping. Period.

I am happy Meena that you liked the post.
regards,
sridhar