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Need some words of wisdom about planning the next step

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by janbornchild, Oct 14, 2013.

  1. janbornchild

    janbornchild Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Girls,

    I have been a regular visitor of IL Forums and find advise from keeping coriander fresh to dealing with irritating in-laws. It's been my go-to page all this while, next only to my mom's guidance.

    Hence, I thought I will seek all your help and opinions about this new phase of life I am contemplating. I have been happily married for 1.11 years..going to celebrate my 2nd anniv next month. I am 30 yrs now and will celebrate my 31st in Jan. We just recently finished buying our own property back home. My DH is of same age as me and we get along very well together.
    :cheers

    After marriage, we shifted to Singapore, i found a job here within six months. I planned to purchase a home in India before planning for family and even that is successfully completed. My confusion stems from the question - what is the right time to have a baby? I am going to be 31, but i still feel unprepared to have this bundle of joy. Although my biological clock is ticking and is letting me know that as lately, I have been yearning for a baby (very unlike my usual behaviour). I wanted to see what kind of parents we will be and the best way to see that is to adopt a furry baby. We both are animal lovers and we adopted a kitten. From the way my husband looked after our kitten, I knew he would share responsibilities well (although will definitely crib :)) and love our baby. So, I am not worried about that.

    But what I am worried about is the financial abilities. I just recently quit my job last month due to a really bad boss and in search of another now. We just started our home loan EMI. I am still earning as I have a hobby that also doubles up as a source of good income. we are comfortable now, but babies come with a price tag.

    Also, I am alone here in Singapore and thinking of having a baby alone is scaring me. I only have my mother back home, she works from home. She can come down here with only lil problem (we own a cat and a dog, so housing them comfortably, while she is away is a challenge). My Mil can come etc.

    Another issue is, I have always been scared of pregnant ladies, I get thoughts like their tummy will just burst like a balloon or the child will be a devil or some other species (yes, active imagination coupled with my love for horror movies).
    :hide:

    The bottom line is, I am just very scared and I want a baby but also looking for a painless way to have it. For eg. financial worries, insurances, who will take care, having a healthy baby, losing control of your body and life style, also worried if it will impact my happy marriage.

    i just need your advice on how you decided on getting pregnant and how i should plan this stage. I want to go into it with my eyes open, so i can tackle all issues by being prepared. Please advise me girlsss and I am sorry for the long post .....
    :help
    :thankyou2:
     
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  2. JustMyself

    JustMyself Gold IL'ite

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    Best time to have a baby is when you are in a good relationship and NOW. According to my experience, all the rest of the factors that you quoted are trivial. You can find the money And support needed in due course.

    If you are trying to conceive naturally, tag is definitely not too high. So, be happy and get your bundle of joy soon. All the Best!

    cheers,
    JM
     
  3. gayathri12345

    gayathri12345 Junior IL'ite

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    I agree with the above reply. I think this is the right time for you to plan for kids as you are gonna reach 31 soon. Also you have to understand one thing that you will be growing along with your kid that is you will be around 55 by the time your child is done with college and thats right age where you also will have stamina to perform all the expected rituals for kid I.e Marriage, helping her or him in setting the extended family.

    you should think all these too .

    so u think this is the right time of planning.
     
  4. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    If you are in a happy place in your life...it is a good time to bring a bundle of joy.
    You seem to be a financially responsible person. Don't worry about the finances. A baby will increase the monthly budget but it happens slowly.It is not like you have to pay college fees the day a baby is born. You will have 9 long months to plan for the baby's arrival. If EMIs are a problem...you can reduce the amount and extend the loan over a longer period of time once the baby comes.


    If you plan to call your mom to help out with the baby...do let her know in advance so that she has 8-9 months to arrange for a care taker for her pets. She can request a relative or a friend to take care of them for a few months and also make sure the pets get used to the caretaker as well.
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2013
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  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    The only downside about having had my wonderful dd at 34 is that it doesn't leave me with much time for another one. I had apprehensions very similar to yours, and from my place now, I can only vouch for how much more unimaginably love filled our home is! And you stretch yourself (forget the physical stretching your tummy does) in so many ways to make a happy home for your little one. And you know what? When you have a marriage filled with love, and a baby on the way, those other apprehensions fly out of your brain. At least it did for me. My worst fear was changing nappies- once the baby came though, it had to be done and we got on with it. have fun making one! Xxxxx
     
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  6. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    I was lil scare too but i got prepared watching other couples in family having babies.Is there any one in your family or friends circle there in spore. I advice you to get involve in the process by helping them little bit.That will boost your confidence about this whole process.Also they will pay you back once you have baby.
    You are scared probably because you just dont know what to expect..
     
  7. janbornchild

    janbornchild Silver IL'ite

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    I can't thank you all enough...this has definitely boosted my confidence. Even my mother says every child brings his/her own luck and we should trust god in this. I have decided to go ahead as you all advised and try for a baby...:thankyou2: Can't thank you all enough!!!

    Will soon post the good news. However, should i announce this to my in-laws or wait until I am preggers??
     
  8. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    Announce nothing to no one! Even if you have a great relationship with everyone, let it be your secret with your husband. It will bring you closer than ever. This will be the last thing you both will be able to share, just the two of you (before the whole world and its uncle gets in on the act), and it sets a great tone for a close-knit family of three (and possibly more) you will become after baby is born.

    Be very, very careful of over-sharing with everyone. In fact, I would advise waiting until you are three months' pregnant before you announce it. I know this may be difficult for some people, but it will pay off in terms of safeguarding your privacy and "forcing" you and your husband to turn to only each other with the joys and sorrows of bringing a new life into this world. This will really enhance your intimacy and make a good relationship even better.

    If you are bursting and can't keep it all in, try to find one or two trusted friends who will respect your confidence, and confide in them.

    You sound like the kind of person (happy, trusting, wanting to share and expecting everyone to be happy for you - these are good qualities) who would not take my advice. But I would encourage you to read some of the TTC threads on IL to get a better idea of how some people (maybe you are lucky and do not have people like this in your life) will take your effort, and your news, and use it as an opportunity to interfere and cause stress.

    If you are surrounded only by caring, loving people who are tactful, respect your privacy and the sanctity of your marriage, understand boundaries, and believe strictly in helping/supporting without dominating/controlling, then you can completely ignore my advice.

    Good luck!

    P.S. WTH? What is that ridiculous unauthorized smiley doing in the middle of my post?!
     
  9. janbornchild

    janbornchild Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Ansuya,

    Great words of wisdom really. You are right, i was actually thinking that everyone would be happy esp my in-laws as my mil went and even prayed for such a happy incidence in my first year of marriage itself.

    There has been no pressure from the family, but yes few hints and questions, to which I had firmly replied, no baby until we have a house and a good bank balance.

    But now I think, I would rather wait a bit before announcing anything. Maybe just confide in my mom, who has always been my strength in all circumstances. BTW thanks for the tip off about the ttc thread. I will definitely check.

    I cant say I am surrounded by selfless ppl who always want the best for us, as we did notice discord and pessimistic words among my inlaws when we announced that we are saving up to purchase our first home.

    But thoughts like how to manage alone in the first trimester crosses my mind...but I will cross the bridge when I come to it. Have heard ppl say it takes min 6-12 mnths to get preggers for even healthy couple!!!
     
  10. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

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    if you make a list of things that need to be settled before Baby..........it will never end & you will keep delaying...........these days excellent medical care is available so 1st trim will not be problem(if u r worried about sickness & aches)......

    you may choose to go to your mothers house for delivery & get pampered (I went for both deliveries & had great time)

    even I will advise not to tell all before 3 mths ......still its too big a joy to contain so better plan who to tell........I told everyone & my friends took turns to bring food for me in office as I developed aversion to my own cooking.........the driver would go slow on road bumps & the maid agreed to come work in evening so that I can sleep till late in morning just in time for office.............Gosh ,I was so pampered by all those kind people......

    all the best......
     
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