Need advice PLZ......

Dear OP,

Nothing is as precious as mother for any kid. A father can never replace a mother. You yourself have a daughter, you can feel the pain of ur DH's kids. My heart goes for those kids.

Originally Posted by suchitrakumar
I am a disciplinarian and they are not co operating with me

Good that you acknowledged this. Please for Gods sake shower as much love as you can on his kids. You can behave as you like with your own daughter, for she won't feel bad as she views you as her own. But you have to be very careful when you are dealing with his kids. please try to be in their shoes. They can get hurt on small instances, as they haven't bonded with you so well. They still think you as a step mom.

Dear you have a very big responsibility and please handle it very carefully. i won't suggest bringing a new kid into this picture. God will really be happy if you could gel with his kids and make them lessen their pain to some extent by genuinely being a mom to them as well.

First try to make your current family a healthy one, then think of extending it. Listen quality is always better than quantity.

 

Are you hoping for a son from your current husband for your future support? Am thinking on these lines cos you believe that a new baby with your current partner will strengthen your relationship (age old thought pattern which doesn't work in the current world).... NO................

To strengthen the marital bond, you first need to win and raise the existing 3 kids with utmost love and harmony with effective parenting skills than military skills.... There are winners and loosers from either type of parenting... so one needs to select whats best for their household.

Both of you broke up with your previous partners cos you thought that the spouse is of no benefit to respective children... so how will bringing in a new child be beneficial for either side kids? Are the finances sufficient for 4 kids.. if not then who's going to pay the price? Are your working, god forbid if your H faces a pink slip in low economy then in what order are the kids going to foster care?

With a biological child for both of you, the current 3 kids are going to become big time orphan within their own single parent's home.

 

Suchitra
What u are facing is actually not uncommon in most families including mine. One of the parents is a softie( for want of a better word) and the task of disciplining falls on the other. I am the mean mom and my DH is the perfect dad. However things are less complicated because the children have the same set of parents. In ur case the dynamics are different and challenging.
Ur DHs kids might have grown up with a mom who was less particular about homework being on time or tidy rooms. They are adjusting to a new family + new rules. Pick ur battles. Hitting/yelling/at u or ur daughter absolute no..if its an untidy room..let it go..school work..let ur DH handle .
U need to really talk to ur DH and explain to him that he needs to take on the responsibility of disciplining kids. U doing it will cause an repairable damage to ur relationship with them . Don't also expect him to change overnight ( and he shouldn't) they will perceive it as betrayal from their dad and the result of his current marriage. Go slow...in the long run and big scheme of things a few missed homework assignments and messy rooms don't really matter much.

 

Suchitra, a baby will put more stress on a household/family, not magically solve the problems that already exist. What you have is called a blended family, and it is obviously not that common in Indian culture.

You need to put a lot of time and effort into strengthening the bonds between your existing family members. Your stepchildren will, understandably, have ambivalent feelings towards you. They may struggle to adapt to your parenting style, and also find it difficult to accept that a "new woman" has replaced their mother.

I Googled "blended family" and this was the first hit

Guide to Step-parenting and Blended Families: How to Bond with Stepchildren and Deal with Stepfamily Problems

You can read through this guide, and try to find more help online. It may even help to seek family counseling once you get to Canada, where this sort of situation is more common, and help would be more readily available.

You would be the best judge of what your family situation is really like now, but my opinion is that having a new baby will drive your stepchildren even further away from you. I know you are in a hurry because you feel you are running out of time biologically, but I would strongly urge you not to look at a new baby as a viable option to solve this problem. Babies should only be brought into this world if you recognize that they are human beings in need of our full devotion - they are not a solution to a problem.

You may have to change your ideas about discipline somewhat, and you and your husband have to decide beforehand what your combined strategies will be, and present a UNITED front. If he is not talking to you when you have difficulty with his kids, then you do not have healthy conflict resolution mechanisms in place. Improve your relationship with him, and with his kids, before you even think about bringing another child into this already complicated dynamic.

Like it or not, all the kids in your home are now your kids, and your husband's kids, regardless of actual birth parents. Work on making your family feel like a family, by talking to each other honestly, being respectful of each others needs and feelings, and acknowledging that there will be some transitional rough patches before domestic harmony is achieved. It is up to you and your husband, as the adults, to model these healthy relationship behaviors before you can expect your children to comply.

 

Your current husband had not one but two babies with his X-wife.
You had a baby with your X-Husband.
Did any of one these babies strengthen the husband-wife relationship?