What is this behaviour?

madhuniha · Oct 7, 2013

Hi everybody,
I have a peculiar problem. I got married around 16 years back. I am working.My husband is good. In fact, if I complain anything about my husband to my friends or family, they will actually not believe. He is a good position and all.. We are financially doing good. What we have today is totally what we earned after marriage. We have a lovely kid. She is very good at her studies and all..

He thinks the only way to win over us to give us material happiness. For example, he keeps purchasing my daughter whatever she likes just to win her heart. She does not care about him. He keeps nagging that I have not taught her manners to respect him.
Coming to me, he never cares about what I like to do/ what my work is or anything about me. He actually does not care if I work or not.. does not need my money or whatever.. He keeps trying to force things on me that he likes to do.. If I am not willing to do as per his choice, he just does not care about me.. like has his own time table.. go to temple, go to office, talk to friends, doing office work at home, reading news paper etc. If I don't cook for some reason, he won't utter anything.. go to hotel bring something.. keep on dining table.. eat and sleep.. Whereas I need him to talk to me as to what I like.. listen to my problems etc..
Its not that he does not talk to me at all.. he will if I talk to him.. but then.. all my problems are joke to him.. he listens to everything carefully .. does not answer to me but make fun of those problems in front of others or elsewhere in our future conversations.. even my physical problems are big joke to him?? So.. I am scared of sharing anything with him.
He does not take any responsibility on taking decisions.. whether it is buying a house, car, kid's education.. whatever.. Its always me who has to take the decision/initiative .. ofcourse, if I keep telling him what to do in each step, he will do it.. but i need him to participate and discuss in the decision.. which he never does..
You all might be thinking why this lady is having these complaints after 16 years of marriage.. this is because I and my daughter had been away from him for 3 years due to a transfer problem.. now that he is with us it is becoming extremely difficult for us to accept all this..
Am I over reacting or is my husband behaving very childish(I am not sure if I should say childish or immature or..??). Sometimes I feel I and my daughter are status symbols for him and what he actually likes is a bachelor life..

littl · Oct 7, 2013

madhuniha said: ↑

Hi everybody,
I have a peculiar problem. I got married around 16 years back. I am working.My husband is good. In fact, if I complain anything about my husband to my friends or family, they will actually not believe. He is a good position and all.. We are financially doing good. What we have today is totally what we earned after marriage. We have a lovely kid. She is very good at her studies and all..

He thinks the only way to win over us to give us material happiness. For example, he keeps purchasing my daughter whatever she likes just to win her heart. She does not care about him. He keeps nagging that I have not taught her manners to respect him.
Coming to me, he never cares about what I like to do/ what my work is or anything about me. He actually does not care if I work or not.. does not need my money or whatever.. He keeps trying to force things on me that he likes to do.. If I am not willing to do as per his choice, he just does not care about me.. like has his own time table.. go to temple, go to office, talk to friends, doing office work at home, reading news paper etc. If I don't cook for some reason, he won't utter anything.. go to hotel bring something.. keep on dining table.. eat and sleep.. Whereas I need him to talk to me as to what I like.. listen to my problems etc..
Its not that he does not talk to me at all.. he will if I talk to him.. but then.. all my problems are joke to him.. he listens to everything carefully .. does not answer to me but make fun of those problems in front of others or elsewhere in our future conversations.. even my physical problems are big joke to him?? So.. I am scared of sharing anything with him.
He does not take any responsibility on taking decisions.. whether it is buying a house, car, kid's education.. whatever.. Its always me who has to take the decision/initiative .. ofcourse, if I keep telling him what to do in each step, he will do it.. but i need him to participate and discuss in the decision.. which he never does..
You all might be thinking why this lady is having these complaints after 16 years of marriage.. this is because I and my daughter had been away from him for 3 years due to a transfer problem.. now that he is with us it is becoming extremely difficult for us to accept all this..
Am I over reacting or is my husband behaving very childish(I am not sure if I should say childish or immature or..??). Sometimes I feel I and my daughter are status symbols for him and what he actually likes is a bachelor life..
Click to expand...

Do' t bother much about this now ... its only because of gap difference as you said.. time will change everything like how he changed in 3 years when he is away, so he will change after some period and become family man again. atleast be an optimistic and wait. you must be normal and take care of your kid. just in case try not to make any issues , just watch and do your part. wait for a period of time.. it will take time. but then everything will be alright. wish you good luck.

simpleMom · Oct 7, 2013

madhuniha said: ↑

Sometimes I feel I and my daughter are status symbols for him and what he actually likes is a bachelor life..
Click to expand...

You have all the freedom to take decisions - car, house etc. If you don't cook, he will bring from outside. Your child is very good in studies. Financially, you are in very good position.

Some times lack of problems and abundance of time force people to find problems for themselves. You are in a very good marriage. Your husband seems to have life of his own and does not need you 100% of the time. It is not necessarily bad as long as he gives enough attention to you, which I think he is giving. You both have led independent lives for 3 years. Give it some time. Mean while, you take a leaf from your spouse and take up one or two activities that you like.

madhuniha · Oct 7, 2013

Thanks Littl.. But its not that he changed in these last 3 years. He has always been like that.. its just that we are finding all these very irritating after spending 3 years away. like as I am growing, and my responsibilities towards life,work,kid are increasing i really think I need somebody to share my feelings and responsibilities.. But I find none around me.. anyway thanks for your kind words dear..

madhuniha · Oct 7, 2013

simpleMom said: ↑

You have all the freedom to take decisions - car, house etc. If you don't cook, he will bring from outside. Your child is very good in studies. Financially, you are in very good position.

Some times lack of problems and abundance of time force people to find problems for themselves. You are in a very good marriage. Your husband seems to have life of his own and does not need you 100% of the time. It is not necessarily bad as long as he gives enough attention to you, which I think he is giving. You both have led independent lives for 3 years. Give it some time. Mean while, you take a leaf from your spouse and take up one or two activities that you like.
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See? Thats what I meant when I said my friend would not understand.. and no.. he does not give me any attention unless I remind him that I am there !
No.. I don't have any time in life.. I work 10-8 outside house in a stressful position.. and apart from the household work, I do take up part time work (programming).. As soon as I come home I sit with my daughter as she needs me while studying.. doing her projects.. and I don't have any problem doing all this as I am aware that I am doing all this for my/my daughter's future.
This behaviour of his is not something that changed recently.. he has been like this from the beginning.. Its just that after these 3 years, I expected him to take up some family responsiblity..
I know my husband is very good..no doubt about it.. I also know that my problems are nothing when compared to many others.. I am not portraying mine as a very big problem that i will leave him or something..
But see.. I feel tired taking all big/small decisions while he is happily enjoying chatting with his friends/ doing his office work/ whatever.. I am also scared as to what will happen if I take a wrong decision.. I know I can talk to him regarding this.. I did.. As I said.. its all a joke to him.. he does not care..
I am already tired physically at the end of each day.. Being a good human being is not enough.. Wouldn't be great to have somebody who actually takes care of the family/you (emotionally?)
I know there is no solution for this.. I just needed to vent out my feelings.. thanks for replying..

shama146 · Oct 7, 2013

I don't see any problem with ur hubby. In fact he is a sensible man.

You say if you don't cook, he brings food from the hotel. What more do you want? You expected him to give you a thrashing if you don't cook.
He accepts all your decision, has nothing to do with your work/money. What more do you want from him? No human being is 100% perfect. what I can gauge out from your post is that your hubby is pretty good. He is non interfering, which to some extent is a good thing.
The problem is this 3 yrs gap. Now you are used to living without him in the picture. i would suggest carry on with your life, as it is a good one and stop cribbing for such small issues.

simpleMom · Oct 7, 2013

Ok. You want to be cared for cherished. He is giving you equal rights and all that. But you miss being treated like a "woman". Basically, he is not being chivalrous.

How can we make him do that? If he is already not doing so, he is not going to do now. Even if he does, it is going to look forced and artificial. But you can be nice and sweet to him. You can put efforts to make him feel special. Arrange surprise dinner. Celebrate his birthday. I think happiness can be derived from these too.

If you spend some time on IL forum, you will soon realize that many couples have the same problem - husband not catering to emotional needs of wife. He is not talking and sitting with laptop. He does not ask whether wife ate dinner or not etc. Perhaps, man and woman are made like that.

By the way, how do you motivate to spend time with your daughter and help her in projects and studies after spending hours at work in a stressful position? How does it happen?

Irfana3300 · Oct 7, 2013

He needs to understand how his behaviour makes you feel, and the only way to do that is to explain it to him while you are both calm. And you both need to stay calm.
The 3 years gap might have made a lot of change over him. So give him little time to come back into the family life from the bachelor life.

As u said trying to participate him in each and every decision, keep telling for each and everything, make him to take the initial steps. Or you just ignore the things which might lead him to do it by himself.

pranatim · Oct 7, 2013

People are there in abusive marriages and in laws problems. Your seem to be quite different and I can say no problem kind. Some men are introvert they dont come out of their own mind. And if you expect then they wont do it also. Sometimes with time women move on so you have given your best to your marriage and in turn he is also. So be happy dont worry if he does not take any decision or anything you take it and take it cool. Just be happy what you have in life. God bless your family.

FE40 · Oct 7, 2013

madhuniha said: ↑

He thinks the only way to win over us to give us material happiness. Negative pt. 1

She does not care about him. He keeps nagging that I have not taught her manners to respect him.
Tell to him 'Like father like daughter;.

If I don't cook for some reason, he won't utter anything.. go to hotel bring something.. keep on dining table.. eat and sleep.. only positive pt!!!

he will if I talk to him.. but then.. all my problems are joke to him.. he listens to everything carefully .. does not answer to me but make fun of those problems in front of others or elsewhere in our future conversations.. negative pt 2

He does not take any responsibility on taking decisions.. negative pt 3
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Why no one sees these negative points???? OP is here to vent and all are bullying her without understanding her. Is it fair?

OP, most of the men want to be dominant, they try to hide their short-comings. In your case, you do each and everything carefully, so he has never felt the need to be responsible. And blaming the action of kid as your mistake of not upbringing properly is not at all right. Tell him he is also equally responsible to teach her good manners.