Husband threatens!

I am bit surprised that the OP is listing her issues. Does her DH also have a similar list of issues that he needs to work on? Seemingly, these is an unspoken expectation from OP's DH that wife needs to cook/clean/care for child etc. Then is he excelling in the man-ly attributes such as

- salary
- Bonus
- Retirement Planning
- Investments
- Kids education

If he is underperforming in any of these, confronting him will sting him like anything. But he has not left OP with any choice. In this co-habitation, wife is expected to excel in cleaning. Then OP must also expect her DH to earn $500K. Hope OP gets the point that her DH needs to man-up and help her at home.

 

Hi Sweety,

Sorry to hear your problem but you should be strong as its all part of life.

In my opinion, your Husband is not understanding you properly. See everyone wants nice house, clean place, good foods etc but its depends on the priority basis which come first. There are few points I wanted to discuss with you:
1. Be strong when the situation come up like that, have a deep breath and ask yourself what you want and what you expect from life as you are the best judge of yourself.
2. Find out all the merit and demerit in your marriage life.
3. Think about your baby nicely but at the same time dont forget we have only one life.
4. Analyse your Husband properly and recall how many time he had threaten you already or do he take you granted.
5. I understand your situation as you are working+ looking after baby+ looking Husband. In this situation you Husband in fact should understand you and support or share your household work instead of threaten you. But sometime guys feel that all household work + looking after baby are made for women which is not correct in this generation.
6. Keep silent when your husband is angry and let him scold you whatever he want but when you guys are cooled. Explain how many hours you go to office apart from that responsibilities of household work +baby. Make him understand that you are not robot which is made of iron, you in fact is very normal lady with full of dreams and trying hard to fulfill few.
7. Sometime you need to give individual space and let him realized how important you are in his life.
8. At normal day, dont mixed up your personal and professional life which we normally do.
9. throw all your professional worry at office and come with a smile at home and try to have quality time with him.
10. I personally feel you guys should not work under same Manager or if possible same office.

All the best, be cool and keep silent when your husband is in bad mood and dont take any decision when you are angry. Be possible, analysed nicely, take all the suggestions but decide yourself of what you want as you are the best judge of yourself.

Cheers,
Sonia

 

Hi SweetyK

From the last conversation btwn you and DH I can see that DH writing that email was just frustration over many things. I wish you had said you read it and discussed it when he asked. Really you could have asked him so many things, you could alleviate your heartache over did he really mean it or not.....if the cleanliness issue makes you the worst wife or is it something else. Because he clearly after the fact did not mean it and wanted to talk. anyway whats done is done.
Forget about him saying divorce. dont let that control you. You could follow up and say……” yes cupboards were full of paper (if it really was) and I know cleanliness is important to you. You are under pressure from work and I am under pressure from you cuz you are not happy with whatever I do. I have decided to keep a maid to keep things clean. Hope that helps us feel better. is there something else thats making you unhappy? cuz something is bothering you I can feel it......."
You have to let the problem out of the closet otherwise it will keep looming over your relationship.

 

Sweety dear,

the problem is not with you. You must believe that, even if you were Miss universe, with a hotshot PHD to match those looks, with the worlds most lucrative job and kept your house as sterile as an operation theatre, he won't be happy. Please do understand that he actually derives pleasure out of your sorrow! Seriously, honey.

I faced a milder version of this kind of emotional abuse earlier in my marriage. My husband seriously didn't believe he was out of line! Until I went for some counselling, I didn't realize how much self respect if lost. I was putting up with such sh*t in the name of love! I shook things up and nearly filed for a divorce and that put some fear in my DH.

Then I quit my job; had a wonderful time with my DH; had a baby. Come baby, a few sleepless nights and his abuse seemed to start. I gave him a stern talking to then that either he packs up the crap or he loses the baby and me. He knew that though I'd given my job up I was capable of following my threat through. He has cut out the nonsense now.

Both my counsellor, and a friend who has a doctorate in psychology are stunned that he has actually been making the effort to change his basic self for the last 6-7 years. They say it is extremely rare for people to change their abusive ways As much as he has done.

For as long as your DH knows that you will go to the ends of the earth to make him happy, he will unfortunately treat you this badly. Once you get out of his grasp and start being bothered about your happiness alone, he might reform. In any case you'd be a happier person and a strong role model for your DD. Do see if you can get a counsellor...

love
g

 

My heart goes out to u sweetyk .. It was very disturbing when i read your posts. So shallow ur man is that he gives u ultimatum to lose weight I dont know wht to say or wt advice to give.. I'd probably get super furious if this happens to me.. Im not even sure how i'll handle it. Stay strong.. Single life sure is the best life

 

sweetyk, maybe i am not the right person to give advices as my marriage is on the verge of separation, but here's my 2 cents -

1. You are trying very hard, extremely hard with office and home to take care of everything. Please remove from your mind that you are someone's maid, that's all. Think independently, that's all.
2. Our kid's are everything (more than our lives for us), but probably your husband is USING THIS VERY EXCUSE to make you do more than you really need to do.
3. And seriously, what if you say, i don't care about my weight loss, it has to happen if i feel so, not because someone is asking you to lose weight - maybe even he needs to loose weight, who knows...if he is really concened about your weight loss as a health issue, ask him to say join a gym with you for motivation maybe
4. And I truly believe one thing - ask your heart, and think from your mind too sometimes - its not about love sometimes, but being practical, if you keep doing everything for him, where does he have the chance to do anything for you? Our kids grow up seeing how our marriage is (and that's why we really shouldn't argue in front of our kids) - but if you are nothing but a maid in your own home, your daughter might feel the same way about her life (sorry to be blunt), only if you are a role model for your own kid (not by arguing further, but by standing up for your own self-respect), she would learn from whats right vs whats wrong.

 

Sweeety,

Don't respond to your Dh's email. But do the following, I bet this would solve all your problems.

Your first step is to call a pest control company and get rid of the ants.
Next call a home cleaning company and schedule a biweekly cleaning (it shouldn't cost a lot). Or find people on craiglist who charge as low as $10 an hour for house cleaning and have them come over every weekend.
Join fly lady website and try to keep your kitchen sink clean before you go to bed.
Finish all your cooking work in the morning (wake up early before your kid does) and don't keep any work in the evening/night.
Redecorate your home with low budget stuff.
Move furniture, buy new curtains, bed spreads, sofa cushions and have your home look like a Resort..
Use air freshners or use scented candles in all the rooms.
Fill your Living room with the low cost indoor plants or artifical flowers and flower vase.

Never give a chance to your DH to taunt you about cleanliness. The above strategies worked for me. Try it out and see the difference.