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Rules of a happy marraige

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Nd123, Sep 17, 2013.

  1. Nd123

    Nd123 Gold IL'ite

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    I have been reading IL for a long time. Based on the numerous posts that I have read and my own experiences, I wanted to compile a list of rules I have learnt. Hope it is useful to some

    Money ( I am working so this is from my perspective)

    1. Keep a separate account for yourself. Contribute to a common account for household expenses but keep most of your savings in your own control. This gives you a sense of control and increases your confidence. Do not be sati savitri and let DH or PIL control the money that you earn. If you can earn you can manage it.

    2. Do not let PIL be the guardians of your jewellery or savings. Its better to put up a fight early than to let it go in the beginning and crib later. This almost never ends well.

    3. Do not lend money to relatives. If you do, consider it as a gift and forget about it.

    4. If inlaws ask for money. Don't give anything that you earned.( unless you want to) If DH wants to give then make sure he contributes half to household and don't worry about the rest coz you anyway cant control that so why stress about it?

    5. Once you give to inlaws or relatives accept that you cant do anything if they waste the money. Just let go.

    Companionship and romance

    6. Stop chasing your DH. More you chase, faster he will run. Let him come to you

    7. Ignore him once in a while. Let him realize that you can have fun without him. This keeps him from taking you for granted.

    8. Accept that he can have fun without you too. So let him hang out with his family or friends.

    9. Do the things he likes once in a while but let him know sweetly that you are doing it for him and please don't sulk or barter ( i do this for you then you do this for me)

    10. If you feel that you are doing more things for him than he is doing for you, then stop doing those things and explain that you feel that you are being taken advantage of. Don't blackmail that you'll stop or barter. Let him offer ...

    11. Work really hard at being happy and having fun. He will want to join the fun.

    In laws

    12. They are your inlaws not your parents or monsters. Accept that they will always look out for their son.

    13. Maintain a decent distance from them. Dont get too close and dont blabber or gossip with them. They are constantly judging you.

    14.If they offend you, tell them there and then. Be polite but don't be a pushover.

    15. You are an adult. Act like one. Dont come running to DH for everything.

    16. If dh says that he will fight with IL for what they did to you, then let him. They have had a great relationship with each other without your help so dont interfere.

    Housework

    17. I personally believe that most of the fights about housework can be resolved with a maid but one thing that I can say is be fair and begin as you mean to go on.

    18. Also please don't kill yourself trying to be super woman.Just because you can do everything does not mean you have to. Leave some time to relax and do the things you enjoy.

    General

    20 You DH is not your father, he doesn't need to protect you from everything or talk for you. He is also not your son so you stop trying to fix his character, or teach him good habits or tell him how to manage his money. He has been living well even before he met you so he doesn't need you to teach him how to live his life.

    21 Respect each other. Even if the other person's actions seem absurd to you or just plain wrong.

    22 Pick your battles. Don't compromise on things that are important to you but let go of the little things that bother you.

    23. Be nice. To him and to inlaws but don't hold an account. It has a huge effect.

    24. Be happy and he will too. He wont know why but happiness is contagious.

    25. Always remember he is just a part of your life and not your entire life and behave accordingly.

    Editing to add a couple more that I learned the hard way

    Fights

    26. Set an expiration date to all fights and complaints. Don't keep complaining about things that happened months or years ago. Achieves nothing.

    27. Don't fight dirty. Control yourself when you are fighting. Remember you still have to live with him and some words are never forgotten.



    Ladies, please add in your thoughts.......
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2013
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  2. Mahajanpragati

    Mahajanpragati Platinum IL'ite

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    well said & hopefully well implemented...........

    my contribution -
    Have no expectation from anyone
    don't compare yourself ,your hubby or your kids with anyone
    you yourself are responsible for your own happiness(or unhappiness)
     
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  3. Ansuya

    Ansuya Platinum IL'ite

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    Nd123, thanks for a reasonable, fair and practical list. I think most of what you say has its foundation in your last point:

    If a woman can keep this sense of perspective, she will go a long way in ensuring marital and personal happiness. Of course, to achieve this last point, a woman has to HAVE a life. This means that despite marriage, kids, and all the rest of it, a woman should ensure that she is devoting some time and energy to her own personal growth/health (mental, emotional, intellectual, physical...) before and after marriage.

    In the past, maybe it made sense to shelter girls and keep them pure and untainted by the world and its evil ways. I don't think this "head-in-the-sand" approach applies anymore. Women of the world need to be able to manage themselves in the world. This means she needs to get smart about money, relationships, family dynamics, running a household, and everything else that enables one to be a grownup.

    I think naivete and a lack of experience leads to a lot of problems in marriages. I'm not suggesting that women necessarily have a string of romantic relationships before marriage (though one or two certainly won't hurt). Rather, I'm saying that street smarts are just as important as book smarts. Therefore, educating our girls should involve more than just getting them into the right schools.

    There is nothing shameful or distasteful in empowering oneself. Figure out your own strengths and weaknesses, and have a plan for your own personal evolution. Find a man who fits in with that plan as much as possible, and make a life together. Don't be afraid to strike out on your own before marriage and live your life a little.

    This doesn't have to involve anything morally questionable or illicit. Each person will have their own unique boundaries in this regard, but it's good to push yourself out of the comfort zone that Mummy and Daddy have created BEFORE you are married. This will save you from feeling like you have been thrown into the deep end without a single swimming lesson after you are married.

    I've been on this site more years than I care to count, and I think I've seen a change in the relationship and marriage forums for the better. Women still have lots of problems, and some of those problems are heartbreaking. But there's a different undercurrent to their posts, and it's not as hopeless as it all once seemed to me. I think generally, women have more of a sense of entitlement when it comes to personhood and individuality.

    Nd123, I hope you won't mind if I take this opportunity to thank you, and the other faithful posters on these forums, who have contributed to this sea change in some way. IL has been a great resource in this regard, and it feels good to be part of this sisterhood.
     
  4. polymorphic

    polymorphic Platinum IL'ite

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    Try not to talk about people (mainly both side parents if relationship is not great).
    Keep your complaints, talks about inlaws short.
    Dont nag.
    Ask for help when needed
    Mind your business and work on yourself and your family's welfare. This is something i practise religiously. When mind wanders, better to bring all your energy back into focussiing on your own life.
    Dont give a damn about people trying to disturb your married life. Show them you share a great relationship with husband. Show off if needed :)
     
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  5. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Good Post...And....

    Remember what works for others may not work you and ur DH.
    Each person is unique and so is each marriage.
     
  6. nicegirlradhi

    nicegirlradhi Gold IL'ite

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    agree to above rules...also be ready to give divorce when ever husband wants it (or when you want to take for whatever reason.). i see many women still hesitate to think divorce as an option when they are not comfortable in the marriage.

    It would be more humiliating for a women's self respect to be clingy on to the marriage when husband wants to quit marriage but lady wants to work on marriage. be self sufficient, just let him go away if he is not interested in you and live life of your own.

    dont bargain and say that you have made so many sacrifices (which you are not supposed to as per above rules) or he owes you so much for you sacrifices...blah...blah...
     
  7. zipzipzoomzoom

    zipzipzoomzoom Gold IL'ite

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    Aw man I am gonna print this list and hang it somewhere.
     
  8. smileAlways

    smileAlways Gold IL'ite

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    I loved all the points Nd123.. So relevant and useful in real life. I have nominated this for the finest posts of sept.
     
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  9. Mommyagain

    Mommyagain Silver IL'ite

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    How is this a rule for a 'happy marriage'?

    ND123, great list! My addition. Do not ever expect your inlaws (or even parents) to help you with a new child (during pregnancy or after). They are not obliged to help you and yes, it can have its effects on your relationship with your spouse.
     
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  10. ppriya182010

    ppriya182010 Gold IL'ite

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    Awesome post. Probably schools or colleges should add a subject on Relationships! Nobody teaches us all these valuables before we get married. Once married, we are so clueless on how to handle situations and end up in bigger mess. Wish I was aware of all these points before I got married.
     
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