Is My Marriage Over and am I Living in Denial?? Please advice urgently :( :(

OP:

You have two options. One to walk away. You have no kids and are young with a promising career. So dump this and move on.

Two: If you want to work this marriage, you need to address the central issue with your hubby. Here is what might be going on in his head. People have many friends in their life, some of opposite gender. What may be bugging him is that why did you single this guy out from many and then say there was nothing major between you. If there was nothing between you, this guy is like the rest of your other friends. So he is going in a loop in his mind thinking of the extent of "what's special" between the two of you. To you, it may be all platonic or emotional and he may not be buying that. So you need to address this. My suggestion is to sit down and offer him a 15 min or 30 min window to answer all his questions as honestly as possible offering insights into the discipline you had in the relationship . After that time window, this issue should close indefinitely. May be this will help bridge the trust issue. Again you can only choose this step if you are comfortable with the step. Only you know if this is appropriate for your situation. If you choose to do this, and if it still doesn't work, just walk away from this marriage sooner rather than later.

Good luck.

 

This guy is torturing you over your past on which you had no control of. Why is he so interested in your past when you are now cut off ties with the guy and everything is in the past. Please consider why he married you in the first place? Maybe because you are single child, good job and unfortunately a short affair to emotionally blackmail you daily. Divorce him and get proper alimony from that b@#@#d and then start over with a person who is really worthy.

 

Dear Desigirl,

My heart breaks for you. What a nightmare your life is especially after you have been transparent about your past. What right he has to raise that issue time and again especially after he decided to marry you even though this issue was discussed before your marriage? When you were ready to pull out of the wedding, it is he who forced you to go ahead. You need to have a frank discussion about his trust issue. Trust between husband and wife is critical in a married life. If that doesn't exist, that marriage will not last long. He needs to consult a good psychiatrist for being so obsessed about your past relationship with a guy. Ask him whether he can agree to a) discuss openly with you about his mental issues and listen patiently to your point of view, b) explain what he is going through in his mind as it involves mutual trust and c) agreeable to consult a psychiatrist and cure himself.

If he is not willing to do all of that, it is better to go through divorce. Your parents are also hurting apart from you. Your safety and happiness are the only thing that would make your parents happy.

I wish you all the best.

Viswa

 

hi desigirl,
My heart is weaping after reading ur marriage life...The things which u had written is exactly same is happening for me...i didn't even had a guy in my past .. My DH us eto talk about my senior and me..that too in 3rd rated words...starting of my marriage life i felt like commiting suicide, mentally depressed.... he had given me so much of mental tortures...even i am emotionally weak.. when he talks about my charecter, or something wrong about my family.. i use to cry like hell, will not have food...believe me, WHEN MEN KNOWS YOUR WEAKNESS THEY START TO PINCH YOU ON THE SAME THING...
Try to be quite when he talks all those stupid things.. i know how hard it will be to quite when somebody is throwing unwanted dirt on u...try... believe me thats the best thing which u can punish him..it will hurt him more on slapping...let him talk whatever... u care a damn for his talks...once he comes to know that u didn't even care for his dirty talks.. He will leave it but slowly.... Its my personal experience..sometimes he use to get wild also of u not caring of his talks.. leave it...silence is the best killer...
Have a second thought before u put a fullstop for ur marriage ..yes.. think of ur parents.. Once if u take a decision u can go back..u they have to suffer for a life long by seeing u as a divorcee/ second marriee????
It will take just a second to say "lets pull out the relationship".. think after that..about ur parents, relatives, when ur parents meet ur relatives, how they talk about the issue .......it hurts more than what they are bearing now... ..
My personal request is..ls do not update everythingto ur parents(fights,talks of ur hus)..start talking good things....
believe me .. i had done this.. yes in my house also once a while fight will come(no families without fights).. but we ll solve it my ourselves...if not we ll be quite for some time... things will drainout....think...this is my personal experience...

 

Ramya:
You feel parents are less worried if their daughter is in abusive marriage but more worried if she leaves that marriage or is a divorcee?

Just ask any parent. 90% will tell their daughters to come out of abusive marriage than bear that torture. Nothing hurts a parent more than knowing that their child is being abused and tortured for no fault of hers. parents will be more at peace to know that their daughter is out of that hell rather than remaining "married".

 

I really feel bad for you and pray that things get better.

I really think we are living in tough times. Hinduism calls this Kali Yuga. Holy things such as marriage are being attacked by dark forces.

I'm newly wed myself, and I am trying to learn how not to get stressed by any negativity because that can totally mess up someone's mind. So, at this point, when I feel negative, or angry, I ask God for help.

Let me try to help you, but I will focus on you, rather than your husband, because we can only change ourselves, no one else.

Perhaps your husband has trust issues, and is afraid to trust.

You are young, but not stupid. Marriage is a gamble, and we have to do our best.

This is the first step...admitting one's behavior

But he didn't press charges, did he? Maybe there is light at the end of this tunnel

How do you know? Only God knows.

How do you know? Only God knows.

If someone slapped your son, how would you feel towards that person.

Yes, please work it out. Look into your hearts for spiritual guidance.

How do you know? Things can turn for the better

You know what? Let him mention the guy day and night. Eventually he will see you act calm and understanding and his behaviors and energies will change for positive.

This is really not nice to think. If you think negative about him, he will think negative about you, and he will keep bringing up the guy from your past. Hinduism and other Eastern religions figured out about this vibrational energy thousands of years ago, and only now Physics is beginning to uncover this.

I think a part of you still loves your husband with your heart, and believes that things will get better. You are just hurting right now

Please persist and keep trying. Just let your Husband vent out, he'll tire eventually. But if you start getting angry, or even thinking angry about him, he will definitely react.

Parents over-react.

Trust issues. Anyone who gets angry and slaps also has mental issues. We all have mental issues. Don't blame this all on your husband.

What will that solve? You will carry that same negative energy around and probably have a worse experience

Then don't do it. Take your marriage one day at a time. Ask God for help.

You are not worthless, you are a child of God.


I suggest you talk to God. Not just pray. Tell God, "you knew this would all happen, I am giving you the pieces of my marriage, please do what you will"

Seems to me you have a soft place for your husband and want to work things out. But you need to fix your behavior, we can only fix ourselves, if we criticize others, we start to pick up on those qualities, i.e. by you saying that your husband is backwards, you yourself start acting backwards.

 

Dear OP,
Sometimes girls get married still emotionally tied to their ex and bravely spill the beans to new DH without thinking of consequences.
Later they fall in love with DH but too late.
Your DH is nice enough not to retaliate against your slap or you could have been in trouble.

What if you promise to turn into a new leaf and act like a devoted wife instead of fighting it out all the time? Keep quiet when he begins his tirade soon he will realize the change in you.
The above advice is only if you wish to stay in the marriage.
No parents would like a bahu/DIL who is not in love with their son.

If you wish to retrieve your marriage then act on it or move on.

 

Hi,
I am sure the advice given by others will be helping you alot.

One thing,If I were in your shoes I will go and meet the exboyfriend and give him a nice tight slap(I am sure you can do this based on your post).I will not leave him without humiliating in front of his family and wife if she exists.Also I will tell him if he is unmarried he should be prepared and you are going to tell the same story/details of what you have done to his wife.

Does he even understand what you and your hubby going thru,your families gn thru...

You should give this guy reality check......dont let this kind of guy go away for the damge he has done.:evil:

offcourse its biggest mistake of your hubby to go and get in touch with this guy...

 

they knew their bahu's past BEFORE the wedding, why do you think they did not call it off then?

her husband is stuck in that past, not the wife.

 

Shama,
Its again depends on the situation and the society they live with...(city/town).I never said that u should not comeout of the marriage life even if the husband is a barbarian...
yes i agree Parents are one who worry about their kids always either they are kids or grownup also...there is no second thought on that.